Vlad Defends Pee-Friend Mongo

Vlad the Impaler convened his annual kabuki press conference today, and therein described his pee-friend Mongo as a man good and godly, before whom all Americans should bow down.

“We do see some major achievements, even over the short period he has been in office,” Vlad gushed. “Look at the markets, which have grown. This is evidence of investors’ trust in the US economy. This means they trust what President Trump is doing in this area.”

Vlad said he proudly stands shoulder-to-shoulder with Mongo, the MongoRoids, senile old lefties who think this Russia still has something to do with storming the Winter Palace, and others in whom may be detected no higher brain functioning—which describes the entirety of all those who do not accept that the Russian government diddled in the 2016 US presidential election.

“You know that all this was invented by the people who stand in opposition to Mr. Trump to present his work as illegitimate,” Vlad lied so baldly and outrageously that his nose immediately grew so long it made contact with the Moon.

In other lies, Vlad said the exhaustively documented policy of the Russian state to transform its athletes into doped-up farm animals so they can win more medals, that is just shit made up, like gravity, or heliocentrism. The whole thing, he said, is just a Plot to Get Vlad. “This whole scandal was whipped up in the run-up to Russian domestic political events. No matter what anybody says—I am sure that is the way it is. No matter what they say, I know that this is so.”

The damning diary of Russia’s former national antidoping director, Grigory Rodchenkov, Vlad said, was actually written by Bill Ayers, who has also inscribed all writings attributed to The Kenyan, while meanwhile, Vlad sobbed, Rodchenkov is being fed drugs by the FBI, when what he really needs to do is come home to Russia and drink some nice polonium tea.

Vlad said that while he is indeed running again to be the president, he doesn’t feel like talking about what he would actually do when elected. “I would prefer not to talk about my election programme at this point. Just like any other candidate I will certainly have one. In fact, my programme is almost ready.” He added that it doesn’t really matter what is his programme, because the election is just a stupid, boring charade, and anyone who through it tries to genuinely, legitimately challenge him, will simply be put in the prison, or get shot on the bridge.

Vlad said Ukraine is part of Russia and anybody who thinks different can die like a dog.

He also said the Poles should stop bitching about Russia killing their entire government in that 2010 plane crash, or he will make 17 September 1939 look like a square dance, and Katyn Forest like a tea party. “Turn this page, finally, and grow up,” he said.

Vlad said that Ramzan Kadyrov, the psychopathic butcher who is his Chechnyan sockpuppet, is a man who loves children as much as does Roy Moore.

Vlad took a question from Tatyana Felgengauer, a woman who was stabbed in the neck while on the radio—which is what can happen if you are Mean to Vlad—and she asked whether the rule of law could ever be expected to become Real in Russia, and Vlad replied that he thought the rule of law was just fine in Russia, and if she disagreed, she could get stabbed in the other side of the neck.

Mongo, enraptured, watched the press conference from deep inside the Mongo chamber, ecstatically masturbating the entire time. “My life for you!” he yowled, repeatedly, at the image of his true luv, there on the screen.

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When I Worked

December 2017

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