Let Him Have His Friend

I suppose condominium associations must serve some useful purpose. Maybe. All I know, is that whenever I hear about them, it is because they are bonering.

Take these nutgongs in Clearwater Beach, Florida, on jihad because a human is cohabiting in his condo with a squirrel.

Ryan Boylan, a human, and Brutis, a squirrel, were blown around together during Hurricane Matthew, and have since become good friends. “Ever since then, I mean, oh my God, I can’t imagine not being around her,” Boylan says.

In April, Brutis was chased up a tree by some dog. Instead of responding to this Outrage by wondering “why are there dogs?”, an officious snitch ratted out Boylan to the condo association, damning him as a wanton scofflaw harboring an “exotic animal.” Now the condo hitlers seek to evict both Boylan and Brutis, forcing them to live like winos in a leaky cardboard box under the freeway.

Boylan could marry Charles Manson, or even Mongo, and bring him into the unit, no questions asked. But a squirrel in the house causes these condo bozos to besiege Boylan’s abode like it’s the Bastille.

“If it was a gerbil or something that your grandkid had hiding under the bed, I’m sure that would be fine, but a squirrel is a wild animal,” said one condo hitler.

So what, that a squirrel is a wild animal. Mongo is a wild animal, and he is the president!

Manson would stick forks in the neighbors, and Mongo grab them by their gonads and make them insane with his twitlers, yet they could live in the condos. Brutis presents no such Menace, but “is just like an inside cat,” Boylan says. “She just walks around and hides pecans and hazelnuts, which are her two favorites.”

“I am not sure how any animal that weighs less than two pounds can harm anyone,” says Boylan.

Mongo weighs more than four countries, and hourly harms every creature on the planet, and yet he can be in the condos, especially the ones he rents to Rooskis. Manson likes to draw on the walls with human blood, and he could be in a condo.

And why in the condos are dogs permissible, but not squirrels? Dogs are ongoing mutants, genetically manipulated from failed wolves attracted to the humans by their garbage, today out there everywhere frantically humping chair-legs and ceaselessly licking their balls, in sizes insanely ranging from teacups to Mack Trucks. Their farts are a serious contributor to global warming, and when the humans put them in the sweaters, everyone with sentience needs Medicine.

Brutis does not wear sweaters, and has never blown gas out her ass that sent people to the Hospital. She also doesn’t flop her tongue out her lips and mindlessly take off running after anything and everything that moves, for No Reason, like the dog that started this mess, like every dog who ever was or ever will be born.

In the photo down below there we see Brutis with her hands on the nuclear controls. I certainly trust Brutis with them, more than I do Mongo.

Boylan is now suing, because he has a Doctor Paper that officially classifies Brutis as his “emotional support” squirrel, and says if ever Boylan is deprived of her, he may start shooting at the schools.

“Due to his emotional disability, Ryan Boylan has certain limitations coping with what would otherwise be considered normal but significant day to day situations. To help alleviate these challenges and to enhance his day to day functionality, I have prescribed Ryan to obtain emotional support animal(s),” the Doctor Paper says. “The presence of the animal(s) is necessary for the emotional/mental health of Ryan Boylan because its presence will mitigate the symptoms he is currently experiencing.”

I know just how he feels. Everywhere in this house are the animals—cats, dragons, frogs, birds, fish—and whenever I open the front door then comes a-runnin’ the deer, squirrels, birds, possums, crickets, skunks, and whatnot, and still I can scarcely cope with “what would otherwise be considered normal but significant day to day situations,” and so should probably myself obtain multiple Doctor Papers, and staple them to my chest and my forehead, so as to feel Secure.

No dogs come here, but if ever they do, I am equipped with Yelling, and also Big Sticks. I have many dog holes in my body, but am prepared to receive more, in Defending the Family.

Once a brutish shit-colored dog who looked like he should be herding children into a gas chamber sunk his fangs into my arm, and, when I lifted my arm, he dangled from it like a sofa-sized sausage. He was later sent to a Factory, and there Cloned: thus, were born the MongoRoids.

These Island Walk Condominiums in Clearwater Springs are located in Pinellas County, which in the 2016 presidential election went for Mongo. This says to me that the people of that county need to immediately start stuffing their homes with hazelnut-smuggling squirrels, so the people can surmount their Roidalism and learn to be human. There are also many other native local animals—herons, egrets, pelicans, vultures, mockingbirds, jays, owls, turtles, bobcats, deer, alligators—who should start living in the condos. It would be a brave condo hitler who tried to evict a person and his gator. Alligators weigh more than Volvos, run faster than Jesse Owens, and snap shin-bones like toothpicks.

Also, Pinellas County suffers from a serious infestation of white people—some 82% of the population is melanin-deprived. That’s a lot! Where were the condo boards when these people moved in? For thousands of years, the place was populated by the animals and by the Tocobaga people. But the latter were ODed by conquistadors, smallpox, and priests, and evaporated in the 18th Century. Today, they are not even “exotic animals.” They are just gone.

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When I Worked

November 2017

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