Go Look At Uranus

If you are one of the ever-dwindling number of Americans who can look up at the sky and actually see the stars, you should go out now and look at Uranus.

All night Uranus will be visible to the naked eye, or at least to a naked eye pressed to binoculars.

At a magnitude of 5.68, Uranus shines no more brilliantly than the sky’s faintest stars. Given a dark sky free of light pollution, you might see omicron-pisciumUranus with the eye alone—but only if you know right where to look for this distant world in front of the rather faint constellation, Pisces.

In astrology, Pisces is the sign of psychedelics, REM sleep, quantum colored glasses, absolute refusal to accept that Mongo is actually in the world, and general deep weirdness. Thus it is right and meet that there one may perceive Uranus.

When I was in the school I had a criminal fake news teacher who insisted that Uranus was pronounced yer-uh-nuss. But we children were not deceived: we knew it was truly pronounced yer-anus. And that the criminal fake news teacher refused to acknowledge this because she was afraid if she correctly pronounced the word aloud, we children in the school would titter. And so what if we did? There is nothing wrong with tittering. And an anus is actually pretty titter-worthy. Except when, as now, it is the president.

Uranus is named after the guy who was married to Gaia, who is the earth. The word is derived from a proto-Greek word that means “to rain,” and is here probably referencing ejaculate, as the same root-word elsewhere wandered off to make a word meaning “to urinate.” If you are the guy married to the earth, you would want to have some ejaculate, so together you two could make some uranus_14other planets and moons and such.

Uranus is also the son of Gaia, because those old Greeks, they knew quantum.

Uranus was castrated and his genitals were thrown into the sea, where they churned up the foam that became Aphrodite. Today Aphrodite governs one of the two folds present in the male human brain—the porn fold. The other fold, the sports fold, is governed by Vince Lombardi.

The Science Men do not know a lot about what goes on there on the planet Uranus, because it doesn’t talk much, and it is shrouded in a “gaseous envelope”—which is also something that is occasionally emitted by your anus. It has a magnetic field that no one understands, and is cooler than the other planets, for No Known Reason. If you went there you would want to wear a jacket, because it is -371 degrees there, or colder even than Minnesota. It does have seasons, but doesn’t want to discuss them. The geography of Uranus is dominated by natural features known as dingleberries. These were named after Dr. Bernard Phillips Dingleberry, who first observed them, by placing his head up his ass. There is a lot of ammonia on Uranus, so it would smell like a catbox, if they had smelling in space. Uranus has 27 moons, all of which are named after characters from the works of William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope. These men liked anus jokes, too. From A Midsummer Night’s Dream are named the moons Titania, Oberon, and Puck. But there is from Dream no moon named for Bottom. Which is ridiculous. For this is, after all, Uranus.

So go out and look at it. You may then have a most rare vision.

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2 Responses to “Go Look At Uranus”


  1. 1 sally October 23, 2017 at 3:58 pm

    too much light — too many streetlights and neons and such here — would desperately like to go where one can look up and see the stars — used to be able to lie on the grass on Lyons Ave. and see stars –and, wow, remember the showers of shooting stars… many things are changing … and I grow old,

    • 2 bluenred October 24, 2017 at 9:27 am

      Humans make lights and also gunk in the air, and so in many of the places it is not easy to see the night sky. I am lucky because here there are only a few of the human lights, and very little gunk, and so there is one section of the property that at night is totally dark, and there one can Look into the sky. It’s crowded there, though; since it’s the darkest spot for many blocks, deer and skunks and raccoons and various other people are out there nights, too.

      Eliot wrote:

      I grow old … I grow old …
      I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

      That is from the same poem wherein he foresaw Mongo:

      I should have been a pair of ragged claws
      Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.


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