Archive for October 19th, 2017

Order Man Tells Dead Negroes To Shut Their Yaps

Order Man is a retired serial killer Mongo initially tasked with killing brown people down along the nation’s southern border. He was then brought in as chief of staff, in a desperate attempt to impose some semblance of order in the Whiter House, back in the days when the likes of Rabies Man were running amok in the place, biting the desks and raping the sofa cushions.

In recent days Order Man has been shamelessly deployed as a human shield, in a craven gambit to protect Mongo from the consequences of his chundering lies about his predecessors’ record of contacting the relatives of US troops killed overseas. Order Man was quickly compelled to take even 29906170001_5616084654001_5616086113001-vsmore incoming, as widows and orphans across the land began clogging the tubes with tales of how Mongo is too busy masturbating like a monkey on the twit machine to give them a ring about the dead soldiers in their lives. One man said Mongo did call him, and even promised him a $25,000 bribe to shut up about his dead son, but the money was never sent; the Whiter House was forced to admit that Mongo had spent the money instead on remote-controlled butt plugs for Lolita.

Then Congressmember Frederica Wilson stated she was in the car when Mongo placed a call to the family of a soldier killed in Niger, and that Mongo was—surprise, surprise—callous and unfeeling, and couldn’t be bothered even to say the name of the dead soldier, or of the man’s widow, to whom Mongo was speaking. Mongo immediately whipped out his micropenis and pounded out a string of twitlering lies about the encounter, denying all. Then the man’s family members confirmed Wilson’s account, and so there was nothing to be done but place a giant Kunta Kinte slave collar around Order Man’s neck and drag him by a chain onto a stage to there take all the grenades, for Mongo.

The 400 pound guy on the bed stepped aside so Order Man could tell the press assembled that Mongo “called and expressed his condolences in the best way that he could.” Order Man added that “if ‘the best way that he could’ included ten minutes of screaming about Kneeling Negroes in the NFL, and an inquiry as to where the family likes best to get their fried chicken, well, that’s what people were electing, when they cast their vote for Mongo.”

Order Man said that was why he was “absolutely stunned” that Congressmember Wilson first listened in on the call, and then went to the press to talk about it. “Because if the election of Mongo means anything,” he pointed out, “it means the Americans are absolutely not interested in anything any Negress has to say. The election of Mongo was an explicit, complete, total rejection of Negritude, in its entirety. The only job of Negroes today is to go get killed overseas wherever rich white people want them to die, and, at home, to be shot by white police officers whenever those officers want to test-fire their guns. They are to keep their mouths shut at all times—and that goes double for their Negresses. The Negresses can do that shrieking and wailing over the coffins, like they do, but they are not to talk back to their betters, by which I mean any white person anywhere.”



Go Look At Uranus

If you are one of the ever-dwindling number of Americans who can look up at the sky and actually see the stars, you should go out now and look at Uranus.

All night Uranus will be visible to the naked eye, or at least to a naked eye pressed to binoculars.

At a magnitude of 5.68, Uranus shines no more brilliantly than the sky’s faintest stars. Given a dark sky free of light pollution, you might see omicron-pisciumUranus with the eye alone—but only if you know right where to look for this distant world in front of the rather faint constellation, Pisces.

In astrology, Pisces is the sign of psychedelics, REM sleep, quantum colored glasses, absolute refusal to accept that Mongo is actually in the world, and general deep weirdness. Thus it is right and meet that there one may perceive Uranus.

When I was in the school I had a criminal fake news teacher who insisted that Uranus was pronounced yer-uh-nuss. But we children were not deceived: we knew it was truly pronounced yer-anus. And that the criminal fake news teacher refused to acknowledge this because she was afraid if she correctly pronounced the word aloud, we children in the school would titter. And so what if we did? There is nothing wrong with tittering. And an anus is actually pretty titter-worthy. Except when, as now, it is the president.

Uranus is named after the guy who was married to Gaia, who is the earth. The word is derived from a proto-Greek word that means “to rain,” and is here probably referencing ejaculate, as the same root-word elsewhere wandered off to make a word meaning “to urinate.” If you are the guy married to the earth, you would want to have some ejaculate, so together you two could make some uranus_14other planets and moons and such.

Uranus is also the son of Gaia, because those old Greeks, they knew quantum.

Uranus was castrated and his genitals were thrown into the sea, where they churned up the foam that became Aphrodite. Today Aphrodite governs one of the two folds present in the male human brain—the porn fold. The other fold, the sports fold, is governed by Vince Lombardi.

The Science Men do not know a lot about what goes on there on the planet Uranus, because it doesn’t talk much, and it is shrouded in a “gaseous envelope”—which is also something that is occasionally emitted by your anus. It has a magnetic field that no one understands, and is cooler than the other planets, for No Known Reason. If you went there you would want to wear a jacket, because it is -371 degrees there, or colder even than Minnesota. It does have seasons, but doesn’t want to discuss them. The geography of Uranus is dominated by natural features known as dingleberries. These were named after Dr. Bernard Phillips Dingleberry, who first observed them, by placing his head up his ass. There is a lot of ammonia on Uranus, so it would smell like a catbox, if they had smelling in space. Uranus has 27 moons, all of which are named after characters from the works of William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope. These men liked anus jokes, too. From A Midsummer Night’s Dream are named the moons Titania, Oberon, and Puck. But there is from Dream no moon named for Bottom. Which is ridiculous. For this is, after all, Uranus.

So go out and look at it. You may then have a most rare vision.

Send In The Owls

When I Worked

October 2017
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