Archive for October 17th, 2017

No End In Sight To The War On Christmas

When running to be the president Mongo promised many things: to grind the Mexicans into mortar to build a wall, to permit the police to shoot Kneeling Negroes at all times, to identify the Mooslems and then kill all their families. Etc.

He also vowed to end The War On Christmas.

“They don’t want to use the word Christmas anymore at department stores. I will assault that. I will go so strongly against so many of the things, when they take away the word Christmas.”

The War On Christmas was for many years a sinister, subterranean conflict, unknown to the general christmas-concentration-camp-decorations-crampedpublic, until Ted Baxter brought it before the people, in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that every night he would masturbate like a monkey while urging women over the telephone to pleasure themselves with falafels.

It is well known from the true-life documentary film It’s A Wonderful Life that whenever a bell rings, an angel gets his/her wings; Baxter stunned the nation by revealing that whenever anyone says “Happy Holidays,” rather than “Merry Christmas,” nails are driven through Jesus’ flesh.

In attempting to become the president Mongo naturally jumped aboard this bent bandwagon, as he sought to appeal to the vast wasteland of Americans who believe that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church, and that those Baxter damns as “secular progressives” are running amok in the department stores, rabid to sodomize Christ behind the cosmetics counter.

Because the Americans are too stupid to even have a country, Mongo became the president. And, several days ago, their dear beloved Mongo, he announced that victory was nigh, in the War On Christmas.

“We’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again!”

Yeehaw! Lord be praised! We are Delivered!

But not so fast. Because out there in the Cornhole State, a known Mongo region, a man was recently arrested after he drank mass quantities and then went out on his lawn and bellowed “Jingle Bells” at top volume through a bullhorn.

He is a political prisoner! Mongo must free!

“This shall not stand,” the 400 pound guy on the bed said grimly. “‘Jingle Bells’ is one of our holiest Christmas songs: it is a well known Fact that Jesus sang it at the Last Supper. Every American has the right to sing it, whenever and wherever they wish.

“It was the first song broadcast from space, because Jesus likes it so much,” the 400 pound guy on the bed continued. “The astronauts thought maybe Jesus could hear it better out there, closer to heaven.”

The 400 pound guy on the bed said “Jungle Bells’ is additionally precious to Mongo because the incessant references therein to sleighs and sleigh-rides “are redolent of Russia, homeland of Mongo’s greet good pee-friend Vlad.”

“The arrest of this God-fearing Merry Christmas man is proof that in the War on Christmas we still have a ways to go,” Mongo himself said later in the day. “I have directed Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III, images-2a.k.a ‘Sheets,’ to investigate for civil rights violations and then execute in the electric chair everyone associated with this man’s arrest.”

Mongo additionally announced that as a result of complaints that compelling horses to draw sleighs constitutes cruelty to animals, he had signed an executive order freeing horses of such burdens, ordering that all sleighs shall henceforth be drawn by Kneeling Negroes.

“They like kneeling so much, they can kneel while they pull sleighs!” Mongo heehawed.

And all the 62,979,879 MongoRoids, they heehawed with him.

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Dictionary Men Change The Word “Lie” To “Mongo”

The International Association of Dictionary Men has voted unanimously to retire the word “lie,” and replace it with the word “mongo.”

The Dictionary Men decided to do so after Science Men proved conclusively that what Mary McCarthy once Libeled about Lillian Hellman—”every word she writes is a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the'”—is, in the case of the words that flow from Mongo’s lips, and tliar-1080x608from his twitlers, absolutely, positively, 100% True.

“We combed through his every utterance, his every note inscribed in crayon, throughout the entirety of his life, and we were completely unable to find anything that was true,” reports Science Man Bjorn Borm, “All of it, was lies.”

“And this is why we are retiring the word ‘lie,'” explained Dictionary Man woman Sandra Cheevy. “‘Lie’ is a word that has had a good long run, but we simply don’t need it anymore, now that we have ‘mongo.'”

“He lies with every breath,” Borm added. “Even breathing in his sleep, he lies. His every snore, is a falsehood.”

Yesterday Mongo appeared before the press with Turtle Scrotum, to review various ways they are wrecking the world. As ever, every word to escape Mongo’s lips, was a lie. Or, in the new parlance, a mongo.

For instance, he mongoed that his predecessor in the presidency never called the families of slain US soldiers, because of his Kenyan Mooslemism. This was a howling mongo; Obama, in truth—a realm that Mongo has never once entered—even reversed a cruel policy that had former presidents declining to contact the families of soldiers who had committed suicide.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for the Sane and Decent people to remain civil, when Mongo sets about mongoing. Thus, a member of Obama’s administration yesterday went to the twit machine and there wrote:

that’s a fucking lie. to say president obama (or past presidents) didn’t call the family members of soldiers KIA – he’s a deranged animal.

Sounds about right to me. Although now I understand that deranged animals have hired Gloria Allred to file a class-action suit alleging it is libel and defamation per se to be compared to Mongo.

Remember during the 2016 campaign, the numbskulls who claimed it was actually the Clinton II woman who was the premier liar?

Never forget. Never let them forget. Even if they crawl across cut glass to Canterbury, in an attempt to make amends, it shall never be enough. Ever.


When I Worked

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