Mongo: I Am War Man, Hear Me Roar

Mongo tonight went on the television and announced that he is expanding the United States’ 136-year-old war in Afghanistan, “because I am committed to hurting and killing brown people wherever they may be, and that is why all 62,979,879 of you voted for me.”

There had been some concern that the televised address might disastrously slip sideways, as earlier in the day Mongo, the stupidest human in the history of humans, had gazed directly at the sun during the solar eclipse. (An event the sun intended as a protest against the existence of Mongo, and a warning that if the planet does not soon rid itself of Mongo, the sun will go President Trump Views The Eclipse From The White Housecompletely dark, and stay that way.) Because it takes several hours for the retinal damage incurred by staring directly into the sun to manifest itself, there were fears that when Mongo went on the television tonight, to recite the War Man plan, he might suddenly stop reading from the Mongoprompter, and begin shouting “I CAN’T SEE! I CAN’T SEE!”

However, Mongo’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, assured the enemies of the people, after Mongo made it through the speech without going blind, that Mongo “is mostly lizard, and so he has several eyelids. Some of them were safely shut, even while the main ones were open, as he looked into the sun.”

The Mongo speech began with a long opening section in which he regretfully informed the MongoRoids that they cannot serve in the US military if they are going to wear the swastika armbands and give the Sieg Heil salute. He said that such outward displays of Mongoism must be eschewed “because we need a shitload of black and brown people in the military so they can get killed to serve American interests,” which he defined as “my interest in smoking a bunch of meth and diddling my daughter.”

Then Mongo waved the bloody shirt of 9/11—he termed it “a horror of Brown People.” He said that the US military that does not have the Sieg Heilers in it must press on in Afghanistan or else Brown People will come from there and make 9/11s in America on the white people. In this he was basically selling his Afghanistan policy to the MongoRoids as an extension of his Hitler Ban and his Hitler Wall: wherever there is Brown, it must be Confronted, and Stopped.

Mongo then spread like a stain into other brown-people nations. Pakistan he described as “a stupid country” that was “invented by a couple of British drunks over lunch.” He asserted that since there are no Mongo hotels or casinos there, “I see no reason for it at all.” India he bashed for making money that by divine right belongs to the white people, and said: “since they are killing us in trade, they need to get killed in Afghanistan.”

He also vowed that “there will be no more nation-building.”

“I want all the other nations to be raging tire-fires, just like this one,” Mongo said.

Mongo additionally addressed the fact that, now that he is resident, and commander-in-chief of the Navy, the ships in the fleet are crashing and arizona_pearl_harborburning at a rate not seen since Pearl Harbor.

Most recently the USS Old Man Shouts At Cloud crashed into a merchant ship off Singapore; this follows a destroyer colliding with a container ship off the coast of Japan, a cruiser getting rammed by a fishing boat off Korea, and another cruiser that ran aground while trying to anchor in Tokyo Bay.

When informed Sunday night by the enemies of the people of the USS Old Man Shouts At Cloud fiasco, Mongo just shrugged and said “that’s too bad,” before going in to eat like an animal out of the KFC bucket. This caused everyone associated with the Navy to scream at the conch shells that they need to give Mongo a Kennedy-head.

In his War Man speech, Mongo explained that “Old Man Shouts At Cloud served in the Navy, and he is a loser who was captured. In 2008 he was beaten like a gong by a Negro. Then he passed around that paper about how I like to watch the hookers pee the bed. Finally, he voted against my No More Black Man Medicine plan. So I have a great Hate for him. And that means I have a great Hate for his Navy. And this is why I have ordered the Navy ships to crash at all times.”

Mongo also gave a shout out to Bill Cosby—”a Negro who has not been Mean to me”—who has hired for his next trial Michael Jackson’s attorney. Cosby’s defense now will be that he couldn’t have drugged and diddled those women, because he was sleeping with Michael and the chimp in the hyperbaric chamber at the time. “I also will be using that defense, when I start going into the trials,” Mongo said approvingly.

“I am War Man,” Mongo concluded. “Let all who are Brown, tremble.”

Some of the humans lamented after the speech that therein Mongo had “betrayed” his campaign promises. These are the people with brain holes. Sadsacks with intractable neurological disabilities that 0*_361pysIsCUoIPqUcaused them during the campaign to hallucinate that Mongo was the “peace candidate.” Because their brains were so sorely afflicted, they were unable to capably process the very clear words that, repeatedly, came right out of Mongo’s mouth.

There during the campaign, Mongo said he would “listen to the generals,” and that’s exactly what he’s done here. He said he would rely on military men over foreign-affairs specialists, and would appoint generals to positions throughout his administration—and that’s what he’s done. He promised to “bomb the shit” out of brown people, and he’s surely done that: he is in fact dropping bombs at unprecedented levels, ranking as “the most hawkish president in modern history,” He got a little woody, there in his micropenis, splattering Afghanis with the “Mother Of All Bombs.” He sent bombs onto the Syrians, when he sniffed some gas there; something his predecessor, The Kenyan, in similar circumstances, did not. He’s gone full-on Kim Jong Mongdong in North Korea. And he consistently and relentlessly and gleefully treats the non-white peoples of his own nation as if they are a hostile foreign power.

Nothing Mongo has done since he became the resident has surprised me. Nothing. Because I listened to what he said, back then in the campaign. And to what he had formerly said, starting way back when the mob was first setting him up in business. And I did not stick a hatpin through my frontal lobe to convince myself that he was something other than what he was, is, and always shall be.

As Mongo strode out to deliver his War Man speech, they did not play the customary “Hail To The Chief.” But instead a new song, a reworking of the old Helen Reddy tune, “I Am Woman.” The first lines went like this:

i am War Man hear me roar
in chunders too loud to ignore
i will bigly win from now until the end 
Hey. It’s what the Americans wanted. Though some are thinking twice now. Like the six in ten voters in the former Mongo-strongholds of Wisconsin, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, who now say Mongo “embarrasses” them, that he is like the guy you glimpse frantically masturbating like a monkey, there in the bushes, as you walk in the park.
A little late now. Dumbshits.
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