Amazon Denies Purpose Of Purchase Of Global Food Supply To Force Mongo To Subsist On Roots And Grubs

A spokesperson for Amazon denied Wednesday that the company is moving to purchase the entirety of the global food supply in order to ensure that Mongo cannot have any of the food, but must instead scrabble like an animal in the dirt for roots and grubs.

“That is not accurate,” Ginger Beet of AmazonEarth said Wednesday. “He will also be permitted fruit juice.”

Tensions have been high between Mongo and Amazon since the 2016 presidential campaign, when Mongo’s brain syphilis DDhxbgzXYAAi6kmcompelled him to recurrently foam in the twitlers that Amazon must be destroyed, because Jeff Bezos owns both Amazon and the Washington Post, and the latter was daily reporting, accurately, that Mongo is a psychotic monster who needs to be put in a Cage.

Things did not improve upon Mongo’s ascension to the Whiter House, which the Post accurately described as the most catastrophic electoral outcome since the Schiklgruber balloting of 1932. Mongo today continues to syphilis in the twitlers, howling nearly daily that Amazon does not pay taxes, which it in fact does pay; and that Amazon owns the Post, which it does not. The Post meanwhile methodically churns out stories that will be instrumental in putting Mongo into the penitentiary. When that blessed day at last arrives, an obelisk shall be constructed in Washington DC to honor the Post, to which creatures from all over the galaxy shall pilgrimage, and across many centuries. Indeed, time travelers from the future report that even 700,000 years from now one of the most popular names for humanoid offspring shall remain “Bezos Washington Post.”

While Mongo has been a failure at everything he has tried, Jeff Bezos rapidly transformed the Post into a healthy, expanding business, and Amazon is pretty much at the center of global commerce. Mongo has gone bankrupt more often than a dog playing Monopoly, while Bezos recently became the world’s richest man. Bezos’ stepfather and namesake is Latino, which causes Mongo to hurl himself to the floor and scream and kick his feet until he is administered a Sedative. Mongo requires assistance in unzipping his fly, while Bezos as a toddler dismantled his crib with a screwdriver, and a few years later rigged his room with an alarm system so he would know when someone tried to enter. Mongo invested in a demented scheme to combine a buggy whip with a penis, and lost his shorts, while Bezos was one of the first shareholders in Google, his stake currently imagesvc.timeincapp.comworth more than $3 billion. While Mongo could not buy an ice cream unless some Rooski loaned him the money, Bezos has purchased much of Texas, and will soon own Whole Foods, prelude to control of the entirety of the world food supply. It is then that Mongo will have to move through the forest like Bigfoot, gnawing on miners’ lettuce and horseradish root, every day weeping and praying god for maybe just some maggots in a rotting animal carcass.

“Roots and maggots will actually be an improvement over Mongo’s current diet,” explained Ms. Beet of AmazonEarth. “Among Mongo’s numberless disabilities is a brain damage that convinces him fast-food is the ‘best’ and ‘safest’ for him to consume. As he has explained, ‘one bad hamburger, you can destroy McDonald’s. One bad hamburger, you take Wendy’s and all these other places and they’re out of business. I’m a very clean person. I like cleanliness, and I think you’re better off going there than maybe someplace that you have no idea where the food’s coming from. It’s a certain standard.’ This is why he feeds out of KFC buckets while rumbling around in a golf cart. The golf cart is a reflection of another of his numberless disabilities: he ‘considers exercise misguided, arguing that a person, like a battery, is born with a finite amount of energy.’

“He really will be healthier, and eventually even happier, stumbling through the forest, naked and free,” asserted Beet. “I can see him now: snatching at some berries, scrabbling for a tuber, begging in tears a wolf to at least leave him please maybe half a hoof from a deer kill. Yes, for Mongo, it will truly be a new dawn.”

“Mongo was a throwback, an embarrassment, a shambling de-evolved atavist hooting and grunting through the wilderness of American politics,” will write Bezos Washington Post IV in his 23rd Century social history, The Unbearable Buggy-Whipness Of Mongo. “He was lost in the 19th Century, obsessed with bringing back industries long dead—coal, steel, etc.—for the whining crying white people who would not adjust to the new, brown world. People like Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, were assembling the future: freeing humans of the drudgery of work by consigning much of it to robots and drones. In 2017 French presidential candidate Benoit Hamon proposed taxing robots, and everyone laughed and called him names; but in a few short years this was understood as the basis for providing every human on earth with a universal basic income, which today allows us all to live as human beings should live: expanding consciousness, engaging in sexual congress, creating. The vision of Bezos—who grew up, not wealthy, forced to go out to secure supplies in areas of great, stifling heat: 81ae0o1uiTL._SL1500_New Mexico, Texas, Florida—meanwhile freed humans from the numbing routine of hunting and gathering: instead, the fruits of hunting and gathering would come to them. As was foreseen in the summer of 2017, as Bezos prepared to purchase Whole Foods: ‘It’s increasingly easy to imagine that a few decades from now, we’ll tell our kids about how we used to “go to the store”; they’ll look at us and say, “What?”'”

Back here in present time, Gong Li of AmazonMars suggested today that if Mongo does not want to crash through the forest like Bigfoot, peeling and eating bark to survive, he can take Jeff Bezos up on his generous offer to shoot Mongo into space. “Then he won’t have to scrabble for roots and grubs,” Li beamed. “Instead he can suck goop from space-pacs through a straw. It will be fun!”

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