Archive for August 2nd, 2017

Amazon Denies Purpose Of Purchase Of Global Food Supply To Force Mongo To Subsist On Roots And Grubs

A spokesperson for Amazon denied Wednesday that the company is moving to purchase the entirety of the global food supply in order to ensure that Mongo cannot have any of the food, but must instead scrabble like an animal in the dirt for roots and grubs.

“That is not accurate,” Ginger Beet of AmazonEarth said Wednesday. “He will also be permitted fruit juice.”

Tensions have been high between Mongo and Amazon since the 2016 presidential campaign, when Mongo’s brain syphilis DDhxbgzXYAAi6kmcompelled him to recurrently foam in the twitlers that Amazon must be destroyed, because Jeff Bezos owns both Amazon and the Washington Post, and the latter was daily reporting, accurately, that Mongo is a psychotic monster who needs to be put in a Cage.

Things did not improve upon Mongo’s ascension to the Whiter House, which the Post accurately described as the most catastrophic electoral outcome since the Schiklgruber balloting of 1932. Mongo today continues to syphilis in the twitlers, howling nearly daily that Amazon does not pay taxes, which it in fact does pay; and that Amazon owns the Post, which it does not. The Post meanwhile methodically churns out stories that will be instrumental in putting Mongo into the penitentiary. When that blessed day at last arrives, an obelisk shall be constructed in Washington DC to honor the Post, to which creatures from all over the galaxy shall pilgrimage, and across many centuries. Indeed, time travelers from the future report that even 700,000 years from now one of the most popular names for humanoid offspring shall remain “Bezos Washington Post.”

While Mongo has been a failure at everything he has tried, Jeff Bezos rapidly transformed the Post into a healthy, expanding business, and Amazon is pretty much at the center of global commerce. Mongo has gone bankrupt more often than a dog playing Monopoly, while Bezos recently became the world’s richest man. Bezos’ stepfather and namesake is Latino, which causes Mongo to hurl himself to the floor and scream and kick his feet until he is administered a Sedative. Mongo requires assistance in unzipping his fly, while Bezos as a toddler dismantled his crib with a screwdriver, and a few years later rigged his room with an alarm system so he would know when someone tried to enter. Mongo invested in a demented scheme to combine a buggy whip with a penis, and lost his shorts, while Bezos was one of the first shareholders in Google, his stake currently imagesvc.timeincapp.comworth more than $3 billion. While Mongo could not buy an ice cream unless some Rooski loaned him the money, Bezos has purchased much of Texas, and will soon own Whole Foods, prelude to control of the entirety of the world food supply. It is then that Mongo will have to move through the forest like Bigfoot, gnawing on miners’ lettuce and horseradish root, every day weeping and praying god for maybe just some maggots in a rotting animal carcass.

“Roots and maggots will actually be an improvement over Mongo’s current diet,” explained Ms. Beet of AmazonEarth. “Among Mongo’s numberless disabilities is a brain damage that convinces him fast-food is the ‘best’ and ‘safest’ for him to consume. As he has explained, ‘one bad hamburger, you can destroy McDonald’s. One bad hamburger, you take Wendy’s and all these other places and they’re out of business. I’m a very clean person. I like cleanliness, and I think you’re better off going there than maybe someplace that you have no idea where the food’s coming from. It’s a certain standard.’ This is why he feeds out of KFC buckets while rumbling around in a golf cart. The golf cart is a reflection of another of his numberless disabilities: he ‘considers exercise misguided, arguing that a person, like a battery, is born with a finite amount of energy.’

“He really will be healthier, and eventually even happier, stumbling through the forest, naked and free,” asserted Beet. “I can see him now: snatching at some berries, scrabbling for a tuber, begging in tears a wolf to at least leave him please maybe half a hoof from a deer kill. Yes, for Mongo, it will truly be a new dawn.”

“Mongo was a throwback, an embarrassment, a shambling de-evolved atavist hooting and grunting through the wilderness of American politics,” will write Bezos Washington Post IV in his 23rd Century social history, The Unbearable Buggy-Whipness Of Mongo. “He was lost in the 19th Century, obsessed with bringing back industries long dead—coal, steel, etc.—for the whining crying white people who would not adjust to the new, brown world. People like Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, were assembling the future: freeing humans of the drudgery of work by consigning much of it to robots and drones. In 2017 French presidential candidate Benoit Hamon proposed taxing robots, and everyone laughed and called him names; but in a few short years this was understood as the basis for providing every human on earth with a universal basic income, which today allows us all to live as human beings should live: expanding consciousness, engaging in sexual congress, creating. The vision of Bezos—who grew up, not wealthy, forced to go out to secure supplies in areas of great, stifling heat: 81ae0o1uiTL._SL1500_New Mexico, Texas, Florida—meanwhile freed humans from the numbing routine of hunting and gathering: instead, the fruits of hunting and gathering would come to them. As was foreseen in the summer of 2017, as Bezos prepared to purchase Whole Foods: ‘It’s increasingly easy to imagine that a few decades from now, we’ll tell our kids about how we used to “go to the store”; they’ll look at us and say, “What?”'”

Back here in present time, Gong Li of AmazonMars suggested today that if Mongo does not want to crash through the forest like Bigfoot, peeling and eating bark to survive, he can take Jeff Bezos up on his generous offer to shoot Mongo into space. “Then he won’t have to scrabble for roots and grubs,” Li beamed. “Instead he can suck goop from space-pacs through a straw. It will be fun!”

Whiter House: Delay In Signing Bill Mean To Vlad Because Mongo “Still Learning How To Write”

The Whiter House today said the delay in Mongo signing the bill Mean To Vlad was due to the fact that “Mongo is still learning how to write. He is not yet able to fully form letters in the English language, or in any other.”

It has long been known that Mongo does not know how to read; this was the first public acknowledgement that he is also unable to write.

“Mongo never had time to learn to read and write,” the 400-pound guy on the bed explained. “He was too busy Making America Great flat,550x550,075,f.u3Again by enriching first the New York mob and then Rooski mobsters, while meanwhile constructing the ugliest buildings in the history of architecture.”

When reporters protested that they had previously witnessed Mongo signing various executive orders—such as those abolishing homos, and erecting coal-fired plants in every National Park—the 400-pound guy on the bed said “that never happened. That is a false memory. Mongo has never before signed or written anything. He only today learned how to form the letter ‘d.'”

The bill Mean To Vlad was approved 98-2 in the Senate and 419-3 in the House. It provides that Mongo may not give the United States to the Rooskis without first obtaining congressional approval. The bill reflects the fact that everyone in Congress knows Mongo is owned and controlled by the Rooskis. To date, Congress has proved unwilling to explicitly state that, as it is just too embarrassing, to admit that the president is a Rooski.

In signing the bill, Mongo issued two crazed foaming statements straight out of brain syphilis.

Although Mongo knows less about the United States Constitution than a dung beetle, he chunders that the bill includes “a number of clearly unconstitutional provisions,” and vows that he will spray urine on the bill at all times “in a manner consistent with the President’s constitutional authority to conduct foreign relations.” He tantrums that “Congress could not even negotiate a healthcare bill after seven years of talking,” and projectile-vomits that “I built a truly great company worth many billions of dollars. As Resident, I can make far better deals with foreign countries than Congress.”

The 400-pound guy on the bed said the delay in signing the bill Mean To Vlad was also due to Mongo having to undergo emergency putin-trump_zpseon27vtasurgery to remove Scarepooch’s tongue from Mongo’s prostate.

“During his days of service, Scarepooch had his tongue fully extended up Mongo’s sphincter, and it become lodged in Mongo’s prostate,” the 400-pound guy on the bed explained. “When Scarepooch was removed from duty, by being shot in the forehead by Order Man, he had to be extricated. It is hard for the resident to faithfully execute his office, with a dead Italian hanging from his ass.”

Scarepooch will go down in history for the extraordinary feat of being fired before he was hired. He is a time tunnel.

The 400-pound guy on the bed said everyone in the Whiter House is relieved that Scarepooch has been removed from Mongo’s anus, “because we all like to get a lick in too, and Scarepooch was hogging the place.”

The 400-pound guy on the bed said that, for her, personally, “there ain’t no sunshine,” unless “I can begin the day by plunging my tongue up Mongo’s bunghole.”

The 400-pound guy on the bed denied published reports that after decades of intercourse with Rooski mobsters Mongo’s anal canal is now “as wide as an interstate highway.”

“That is just more lies, from reporters who need to be barbecued” she said. She asserted that “precise Measurements have been taken,” and in truth the anal canal “is only as wide as a country road.”

“And you know,” she said. “You can feel it.”

Mongo Causes Bushman To Commence St. Vitus Dance

Richard Painter was chief White House ethics lawyer to George II. Now, George II is the man who brought torture back to town. So, ethics-wise, Painter is no Virgin Mary.

Thus it is indicative of just how deeply Mongo has plunged the Americans into the very bowels of Hell, that Painter yesterday was compelled by Mongo’s extreme and unceasing Caligula-like behavior to embark on a multimedia rampage denouncing Mongo’s savaging with an icepick any and all ethics—a rampage that went on all day, and all of the night.

“I would like to have one week from this Screen-Shot-2016-05-26-at-1.47.18-PMWhiter House where they don’t engage in a new act of obstruction of justice,” Painter moaned on the television.

Referencing Mongo’s personal crafting of the Lying statement about Uday Mongo’s meet with the Rooski spy nest, in order to obtain dirt on the Clinton II woman, Painter said, “once the son says something in a public statement he’d be very likely to say something to the special prosecutor, and lying to the special prosecutor is a crime. If he lies under oath it becomes perjury. This is a common strategy for obstructing justice.”

When they wouldn’t let Painter be on the television any more, he went to his twit machine, and there commenced howling:

“Weighing in” on a witness’s lie about a matter under criminal investigation is obstruction of justice.

Knowingly drafting a false statement for a person who is a witness in a criminal investigation is itself a crime. Obstruction of justice.

Lawyers who knowingly participate in drafting false statements for witnesses in criminal investigations should be disbarred and prosecuted.

What kind of a man drafts a false statement for his own son about a matter under criminal investigation? A man who can pardon his son.

Over at the Whiter House, the 400-pound guy on the bed dismissed Painter as a “sour grape,” who is just “bitter,” because “Mongo beat the least Bush son like a gong.”

“It is not Mongo’s fault the least Bush son married a brown woman,” the 400-pound guy on the bed chundered, explaining that “exposure to that woman’s defective mud-people genes caused the least Bush son to become so low energy he could not effectively compete.”

The 400-pound guy on the bed said Mongo is crafting an executive order that will provide that “losers and haters like Painter cannot determine what the law is. Only winners will be so empowered. And Mongo, he is the Winner.”


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