Man Admits Badness

In a stunning and near-unprecedented admission, musician John Mellencamp has confessed that his romantic relationship with actress Meg Ryan collapsed because he is an animal.

“I loved Meg Ryan,” he said. “She hates me to death. I think it’s because I’m a child. I throw fits, I gripe, I complain. I’m moody. Every bad thing that a fella can be, that’s me. Shejohn-mellencamp-bio-getty just doesn’t want anything to do with me. And I can’t blame her.”

Mellencamp’s remarks were immediately and forcefully condemned by all men everywhere.

“This Libel shall not stand,” fumed Brick Bawls, head of the International Association Of Y-Chromes. “Everyone knows that, whatever it is, it is always the woman’s fault.

“It has been so since the bible,” he complained. “The woman was the one who ate the wrong fruit and then made the man eat it, ruining everything. They are always the one to blame for the ruining, the women.”

Bawls decreed that Mellencamp “has been thrown out of mandom,” and cautioned that when Mellencamp’s fellow musician Gregg Allman made a similar admission—”to tell you the truth, it’s my sixth marriage; I’m starting to think it’s me”—that “Gregg almost immediately dropped dead, and was shoveled into the boneyard. So John ought to think about that.”

Scarepooch, Mongo’s new imbecile, and recently diagnosed with rabies, a man undergoing his own divorce, “WHICH IS NOT AT ALL MY FAULT!” as he screamed into the earholes of eighteen reporters, denounced Mellencamp as “a puke” who “I will stab many times.”

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