Mongo Meant To Apply Rogaine, Applied NoBrain Instead

Over the period of Donald Trump’s political career, from candidate to president, there have been assessments of his personality and history that have ranged from shrewd businessman to Machiavellian strategist to narcissist to huckster. People have called him clever and clueless, a showman and a showboat. Everyone has a take on Trump, and after this past week, I finally have to conclude that almost all of these are wrong. There’s only one correct take on Trump—he is probably the dumbest man alive.

No, really, the man is as bright as a one-watt bulb. The wheels are turning, but the hamster is dead. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there’s no train of thought coming. If there is one easily quantifiable thing to be said about Trump, it’s that with enough money and lawyers, the most slack-jawed goon can 2CF9AE6300000578-0-image-a-6_1443713757731succeed. Well, only if he’s a straight cis white male.

Some people have said that if he wasn’t born a millionaire, he would be a used car salesman in Queens. That’s far too generous; he would be selling “Luke Vitton” bags from a card table off Canal Street, because he was the only three-card monte dealer in the city to actually lose because he didn’t know how to throw the cards. He wouldn’t even be worth the beat cop’s effort to chase down the street. Why do I say this? Because that’s about the level that most people with his measure of “savvy” make it. Trump was born with millions of dollars and an army of lawyers to cover his behind, something a two-bit hustler never has. Because of this, this guy has never actually learned from any screw-up of his. Not even to shut up and wait for a lawyer.

The cops are even required by law to give you the Miranda warning: “You have the right to remain silent.” Trump has never figured this out. Every time he’s gone to court, he’s exhausted his opponent with legal gymnastics or settled. The few times he’s testified, he’s gibbered like a hyperactive monkey and ended up spewing some of the most self-incriminating, face palm–inducing garbage you’ve ever heard. Now that he’s president, he doesn’t even think he needs to listen to advisers to tell him to sit down and shut up.

It’s been leaked that when Trump went to fire FBI director James Comey, Steve Bannon, a man better suited to stripping a house for copper wire than to be a presidential adviser, even told him it was a bad idea to do it right then—but did Trump listen? Nope. Because he’s simply too thick to realize how awful it was. If Trump really is guilty of colluding with the Russians, you do not fire the guy leading the investigation. Nixon did something similar, and Nixon was a hundred times shrewder than Trump could be even after being hit with cosmic rays and having his intelligence increased a million times. If Trump is innocent, you still don’t do it! On top of that, he didn’t tell his own spin doctors he was going to do this, wrote the most guilty-sounding termination letter he could, and the next day met with the Russians in the Oval Office. Somewhere out in some small rural town in the Midwest, a corrupt mayor is watching all of this go down and he can only shake his head and think, What is this amateur bullshit?

Trump is probably the best argument against capitalism, reality television, and bankruptcy laws. He’s the beneficiary of thousands of years of human advancement, because someone as thick as him usually got eaten by wild animals early in their life. Only a person who has succeeded due to enough sycophants comment_Z0rs1XaWKXCR7n1mn9lNWwjmEueliLxwmopping up behind him and enough money to hire the kinds of lawyers that make the higher order of demons recoil in disgust could have made it this far. Everyone says that he’s this great showman and this great businessman, but if he’s honestly this bad at media manipulation and strategy, I really have to wonder how many times he thought he was the con man but was actually the mark? I guess the only person who can answer that is Vladimir Putin, and I don’t think he’ll stop laughing at us long enough to tell.

Amanda Kerri

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