Archive for July 1st, 2017

Mongo Meant To Apply Rogaine, Applied NoBrain Instead

Over the period of Donald Trump’s political career, from candidate to president, there have been assessments of his personality and history that have ranged from shrewd businessman to Machiavellian strategist to narcissist to huckster. People have called him clever and clueless, a showman and a showboat. Everyone has a take on Trump, and after this past week, I finally have to conclude that almost all of these are wrong. There’s only one correct take on Trump—he is probably the dumbest man alive.

No, really, the man is as bright as a one-watt bulb. The wheels are turning, but the hamster is dead. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there’s no train of thought coming. If there is one easily quantifiable thing to be said about Trump, it’s that with enough money and lawyers, the most slack-jawed goon can 2CF9AE6300000578-0-image-a-6_1443713757731succeed. Well, only if he’s a straight cis white male.

Some people have said that if he wasn’t born a millionaire, he would be a used car salesman in Queens. That’s far too generous; he would be selling “Luke Vitton” bags from a card table off Canal Street, because he was the only three-card monte dealer in the city to actually lose because he didn’t know how to throw the cards. He wouldn’t even be worth the beat cop’s effort to chase down the street. Why do I say this? Because that’s about the level that most people with his measure of “savvy” make it. Trump was born with millions of dollars and an army of lawyers to cover his behind, something a two-bit hustler never has. Because of this, this guy has never actually learned from any screw-up of his. Not even to shut up and wait for a lawyer.

The cops are even required by law to give you the Miranda warning: “You have the right to remain silent.” Trump has never figured this out. Every time he’s gone to court, he’s exhausted his opponent with legal gymnastics or settled. The few times he’s testified, he’s gibbered like a hyperactive monkey and ended up spewing some of the most self-incriminating, face palm–inducing garbage you’ve ever heard. Now that he’s president, he doesn’t even think he needs to listen to advisers to tell him to sit down and shut up.

It’s been leaked that when Trump went to fire FBI director James Comey, Steve Bannon, a man better suited to stripping a house for copper wire than to be a presidential adviser, even told him it was a bad idea to do it right then—but did Trump listen? Nope. Because he’s simply too thick to realize how awful it was. If Trump really is guilty of colluding with the Russians, you do not fire the guy leading the investigation. Nixon did something similar, and Nixon was a hundred times shrewder than Trump could be even after being hit with cosmic rays and having his intelligence increased a million times. If Trump is innocent, you still don’t do it! On top of that, he didn’t tell his own spin doctors he was going to do this, wrote the most guilty-sounding termination letter he could, and the next day met with the Russians in the Oval Office. Somewhere out in some small rural town in the Midwest, a corrupt mayor is watching all of this go down and he can only shake his head and think, What is this amateur bullshit?

Trump is probably the best argument against capitalism, reality television, and bankruptcy laws. He’s the beneficiary of thousands of years of human advancement, because someone as thick as him usually got eaten by wild animals early in their life. Only a person who has succeeded due to enough sycophants comment_Z0rs1XaWKXCR7n1mn9lNWwjmEueliLxwmopping up behind him and enough money to hire the kinds of lawyers that make the higher order of demons recoil in disgust could have made it this far. Everyone says that he’s this great showman and this great businessman, but if he’s honestly this bad at media manipulation and strategy, I really have to wonder how many times he thought he was the con man but was actually the mark? I guess the only person who can answer that is Vladimir Putin, and I don’t think he’ll stop laughing at us long enough to tell.

Amanda Kerri


It’s Not Gilead . . . Yet

The tweets are not, sadly, all that surprising given the president’s record of being mad online. But the grotesqueness with which he targets Brzezinski, painting an image of her as a desperate, aging shrew, feels like a new level of shock horror even for Trump.

It’s also in line with other comments Trump has made throughout the years where he paints women’s bodies as 2e870ff960ef8d74ceff76f55c610706disgusting, confusing bags of flesh and blood whenever they function outside the role of eye candy.

Trump’s tweets aren’t just a reflection of his obvious psychological undoing. They’re an extension of a complex that prevents him from seeing women as people. The fact that they bleed is gross, their bodies are strange, and he wants everybody else to think so too.

Behold: the latest example of Trump’s tendency to depict women’s bodies as disgusting. By using Brzezinski’s face as a special effect, he attempted to make us believe she was so desperate for a place in the boys’ club that she was willing to stand on the steps of a sub-par resort, gushing blood. Bitch, please.

To start, anyone who rolls up to a members-only club with a bleeding face deserves the loudest of kudos for being the most punk of all people. But while Mika Brzezinski’s “little hands” clapback was punk in itself, it’s really none of our business if she chose to get plastic surgery. Nor is it the business of the president.

Not that he cares. By painting such a grotesque image in his tweets, he implies that Brzezinski underwent what he considers a shameful procedure. And we can assume this because he uses “facelift” as a pejorative. In his narrative, Mika wasn’t bleeding from an injury or from a preexisting condition, she was bleeding from a facelift—a cosmetic procedure. Likely to seem young and desirable—exactly the way Trump prefers women to look.

Isn’t that funny to see a woman try to conform to beauty ideals of youth? Or so suggests the man who uses hair plugs and a spray tan as an attempt to look younger, or who spent his first meeting with press as president-elect complaining that they printed photos of him with a double chin.

Every 28 to 35 days, most women of childbearing age tend to menstruate. And while the process might seem strange or unnatural to the leaders of Gilead, it also bozar-cranach_prev_pfile111636_activity9136.jpgconfuses and frightens the president, a (tragically) non-fictional man.

Back in 2015, Trump again used blood as proof that women were gross, describing host Megyn Kelly as having “blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever” in the wake of what he felt was an unfair line of questioning.

Which, admittedly, would have been extraordinary. Should Megyn Kelly had begun bleeding from her eyes on live television, it could be assumed that she boasted unfathomable powers, including the ability to moderate a debate while simultaneously battling the virus from Outbreak. But what scared Donald the most was a natural bodily function: the shedding of one’s uterine lining.

Of course, the private school system may have failed Trump, spurring a mistaken belief that menses is a source of evil. But somehow, despite being a nearly 70-year-old husband and father, the man remains unfamiliar with—and intimidated by—periods. He doesn’t experience them, so he equates menstrual blood to wrongness. So to Trump, Megyn was bleeding as an act of aggression, as a way to scare and to challenge him—maybe even to knock him from his pedestal and usurp the throne as a demon-witch.

In 2011, attorney Elizabeth Beck requested a break from a deposition to pump breast milk and Donald Trump was appalled. Allegedly, he turned bright red and screamed, “You’re disgusting, you’re disgusting,” which arguably should’ve made for a better campaign slogan than “Make America Great Again.”

Trump seems to believe that breasts—and the women attached—have no purpose other than to appease him sexually or invoked to brag about the hotness of his own daughter. And because the president increasingly equates women to sexual objects, he’s grossed out to learn their bodies have purposes outside the realm of heteronormative sex (with him).

So when confronted with a new reality, Donald believes f0a69047ab4b87904bdc0db5e845b82ahe’s being rallied against; that women can weaponize their bodies as a way of disgusting him to death.

In 2003, Donald Trump made what could be construed as the most upsetting claims of all: that then-girlfriend/now-wife Melania Trump had never “[made] a doody.” And angels wept.

Having detailed the revelation on the Howard Stern Radio Show, both Stern and Donald sang the praises of their respective partners who’d apparently never had gas or a bowel movement. At least nothing either had experienced.

The thing is, any person who thinks this way is dangerous. To actively hate and be repelled by women’s bodies is the source of toxic masculinity that fuels sexism, assault, and even worse.

When Trump tweeted about Brzezinski’s alleged facelift, it was to perpetuate his disgust and to shame her into silence. Trump wanted his followers to see Mika Brzezinski as a desperate woman, grotesque in appearance, who was a dispensable source. What he didn’t consider was that not everybody thinks that way. It’s not Gilead . . . yet.

Anne Donahue

When I Worked

July 2017
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