Even as she prepares to roll out a new corpse-themed fashion line, Lolita Mongo is contending with an increasing number of retailers determining that her sewn sewage best belongs where everything else even remotely connected to Mongo should be deposited: in the trash.
Last week, employees at T.J. Maxx and Marshalls got very clear instructions about where to put signs for Lolita Mongo products: in the garbage. The TJX Companies, the retailers’ parent company, told employees not to display Lolita Mongo merchandise separately and to throw away Lolita Mongo signs, according to a note to employees on Wednesday, a copy of which was obtained by The New York Times.
“Effective immediately, please remove all Lolita Mongo merchandise from features and mix into the runs,” the note read. “Runs” refers to the normal clothing racks where the majority of products hang. “All Lolita Mongo signs should be discarded.” A spokeswoman for the TJX Companies, Doreen Thompson, confirmed that the message had been sent to stores.
Nordstrom meanwhile has concluded it would rather eat fire than vomit Mongo products to its customers.
“We’ve said all along we make buying decisions based on performance,” Nordstrom said in a statement. “In this case, based on Mongo’s performance, we would prefer selling used clothing formerly worn by lepers, than any Lolita Mongo feces.”
Several retailers decided to donate their Lolita Mongo clothing to the homeless. But in every instance, squadrons of winos immediately arrived, doused the Mongo manure with copious amounts of Mad Dog 20/20, then set it ablaze.
Even deities are weighing in on the matter.
“Lolita products are trayf,” Yahweh pronounced last week. “They belong in the dumper.”
While Lolita had been heavily lobbying for Heaven’s angels to be clad and accessorized in her ordure, Yahweh reportedly told her: “I’ll see you in Hell first.”
The Gargoyle’s command that the Americans immerse themselves in Lolita Mongo feculence violated federal law forbidding public employees from endorsing products for the private gain of their employer or, as here, their employer’s incestuous bedmate. Ethics experts said such an employee would normally be fired, and then be fed to wild pigs.
But White House press secretary Cabbage Breath announced The Gargoyle had merely been “counseled”—though a veritable tsunami of complaints about The Gargoyle’s utterance had actually crashed all systems at the Office of Government Ethics’ website.
Asked if The Gargoyle would face any further punishment, Cabbage Breath snapped, “fuck no. Mongo would sooner shoot himself in the stomach, than discipline someone simply seeking to ensure his beloved knob-polisher makes a nickel.”
The National Institute of Health meanwhile announced that the nation is plagued by an epidemic of Americans who are literally plucking their eyes out when The Gargoyle comes on the television. Asked about this report, Cabbage Breath said the Mongo administration had abolished the National institute of Health.
When he learned that Nordstom would no longer peddle the Lolita Mongo stilettos that Russian prostitutes wear when they pee on the beds where Negroes have slept, Mongo himself took to his twit machine, belching out increasingly unsane excrement.
My daughter Lolita has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person — always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!
Lolita is always so good to my penis! People should give her many monies!
Nordstrom is a terror attack! Mongo will bomb!
“Mongo was so upset that he nearly permitted Lolita to experience an orgasm—her first,” The Gargoyle confirmed. “However, he caught himself in time. Resident Trayf remains committed to the principle of not allowing creatures who are disgusting, who have blood coming out of their wherevers, who should be treated like shit, to experience a moment’s pleasure.”