New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, head coach Bill Belichick, and team owner Robert Kraft stunned the nation Sunday when they took the field before Super Bowl LI, ran out to the 50-yard-line, stripped off all their clothes, kneeled, and bowed their heads to the turf.
“We humbly beg forgiveness,” they said in unison. “For we supported Hitler.”
They then rose to their feet, and directed the crowd to follow them in a march on the White House.
“We are Patriots,” they said. “And it’s time we started acting like it.”
As the stadium emptied, the crowd moving slowly, but determinedly, on the long walk from Houston to the White House, millions more, from across the nation, joined in.
When they all reached the White House, the place was empty.
Belichick began designing plans to hold new elections as soon as practicable.
Kraft announced that in the meantime Teen Vogue writer Lauren Duca would serve as acting president. “She is the sort of person this country needs,” he said.
Brady ate a strawberry. And then another. And another. And another.