Strangelove Classifies Mongo’s Anus

General Strangelove, an insane man appointed by Mongo to be his National Security Advisor, a post that does not require Senate confirmation, in a Friday news dump announced that he has classified Mongo’s anus, and it will therefore no longer be accessible to congressional investigators probing Mongo’s status as Vlad The Impaler’s butt-boy.

“I have given Mellow Yellow‘s anus the highest possible classification,” Strangelove snarled, “and so henceforth no one can look into c0xcbafweaiabah_1_it without my explicit written permission.”

Strangelove, who is himself one of a half-dozen or so Mongrels currently under investigation for making his anus freely available to Vlad The Impaler, warned that anyone who opposed this anal classification would probably be shot.

“This is outrageous,” nonetheless responded South Carolina Senator Ashley Wilkes. “How can we be expected to probe Mongo’s capacious opening to Vlad if we are not allowed to examine his yawning Vlad-battered sphincter?”

Who is that man?!” Strangelove shrieked. “He needs to be mutilated!

Wilkes also said he strongly opposed Mongo’s proposed 20 percent tax on Mexican goods, as it would cut into his drinking.

Simply put, any policy proposal which drives up costs of Corona, tequila, or margaritas is a big-time bad idea. Mucho Sad.

“If there is one thing we have learned early about the Agent Orange administration,” Wilkes said, “it is that all of us must drink heavily at all times, simply in order to survive.” He said he thus considers free and open access to any all liquors “a matter of national security.”

The Gargoyle has meanwhile announced that on Friday Mongo spoke via phone for an hour with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto. She stated that for 30 minutes Mongo boasted that more people had attended his Imongoration than had ever been born in Mexico, for 25 minutes he chastened Peña Nieto for permitting three to five million Mexican citizens to cross the border to vote for the Clinton II woman in the 2016 presidential election, and for five minutes he complained that Mexican food gives him diarrhea.

The Gargoyle next said that on Saturday Mongo will speak via phone with Vlad The Impaler, the first time the two men have conversed since the Imongoration.

“Mongo misses Vlad very much,” The Gargoyle sighed. “Every night he cries, missing Vlad so much. To get him to sleep we have to give him a methamphetamine and methadone pacifier.”

The Gargoyle said that “of course” Mongo and Vlad would discuss the lifting of US sanctions against Russia. “Those sanctions are so silly,” she said. “Mongo believes Vlad should be permitted to impale any country he so desires, just so long as it is not the United States. In fact, he wishes Vlad would immediately and forcefully impale Mexico, and so prevent all those filthy brown people from coming here.”

Old Man Shouts At Cloud then lumbered out to thunder that “Resident Trayf should remember this when he speaks to Vlad The Impaler. He should remember that the man on the other end of the line is a murderer and a thug who seeks to undermine American national security interests at every turn. For our commander in chief to think otherwise would be naïve and dangerous.”

Mongo responded that Shouts mccain-celebrationAt Cloud is “a loser who was captured,” and who was “beaten like a gong by a Negro,” and therefore anything he says is of no value whatsoever. The Nazi then jackbooted over to say Shouts At Cloud “needs to keep his mouth shut, or he can go into a Camp.”

Down at the United Nations, US Ambassador Nimrod Hellbroth swaggered in to announce that “you’re going to see a change in the way we do business. Our goal with the administration is to show value at the UN, and the way we’ll show value is to show our strength, show our voice, have the backs of our allies and make sure our allies have our back as well. For those who don’t have our back, we’re taking names; we will make points to respond to that accordingly.”

Asked what “respond to that accordingly” might mean, Hellbroth replied: “nuclear weapons.”

“If you don’t support us, we will nuke you,” she explained. “It’s that simple. Resident Trayf has made it very clear that he doesn’t understand why, since this country produces nuclear weapons, it does not use them. He considers that a tremendous and inexcusable waste of resources. As a businessman, he knows that a product has no value, unless it is used. Therefore, the US will now be about nuking whosoever might deserve it. And that would be anyone and everyone who doesn’t support us.”

Nuke that man!” Strangelove screeched, as he pursued a fleeing Wilkes past the still-intoning Ambassador Hellbroth. “Nuke him!

Mein Führer!” The Nazi bellowed, as he hastened to square his machinegun on Wilkes’ rapidly retreating form. “I have him in my sights!

“We will,” Hellbroth said levelly, “march on a road of bones.”

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