Attention Americans: You Elected An Insane Person

On Monday, Resident Trayf gathered House and Senate leaders in the State Dining Room for a get-to-know-you reception, served them tiny meatballs and pigs-in-a-blanket, and quickly launched into a story meant to illustrate what he believes to be rampant, unchecked voter fraud.

The Monster kicked off the meeting, participants said, by retelling his debunked claim that he would have won the insane-1popular vote if not for the three million to five million ballots cast by “illegals.” He followed it up with a Twitter post early Wednesday calling for a major investigation into voter fraud.

When one of the Democrats protested, Twitler said he was told a story by “the very famous golfer, Bernhard Langer,” whom he described as a friend, according to three staff members who were in the room for the meeting.

The three witnesses recalled Mr. Langer being the protagonist of the story, although a White House official claimed the barking-mad resident had been telling a story relayed to the golfer by one of Mr. Langer’s friends.

The witnesses described the story this way: Mr. Langer, a 59-year-old native of Bavaria, Germany—a winner of the Masters twice and of more than 100 events on major professional golf tours around the world—was standing in line at a polling place near his home in Florida on Election Day, the resident explained, when an official informed Mr. Langer he would not be able to vote.

Ahead of and behind Mr. Langer were voters who did not look as if they should be allowed to vote, Mongo said, according to the staff members—but they were nonetheless permitted to cast provisional ballots. The howling racist resident threw out the names of Latin American countries that the voters might have come from.

Mr. Langer, whom he described as a supporter, left feeling frustrated, according to a version of events later insanr-2contradicted by a White House official.

The anecdote, the aides said, was greeted with silence, and the shitgibbon was prodded to change the subject by Rinse Pubis, the White House chief of staff, and Senator John Cornhole, Republican of Texas.

Just one problem: Mr. Langer, who lives in Boca Raton, Fla., is a German citizen with permanent residence status in the United States who is, by law, barred from voting, according to Mr. Langer’s daughter Christina.

“He is a citizen of Germany,” she said, when reached on her father’s cellphone. “He is not a friend of Mongo’s, and I don’t know why he would talk about him.”

But a senior White House staff member, who was not at the Monday reception but has heard the Clockwork Orangeman tell the story, said Mr. Langer saw Mongo in Florida during the Thanksgiving break and told him the story of a friend of Mr. Langer’s who had been blocked from voting.

The story, the aide added, had made a big impression on Resident Trayf.

Glenn Thrush (who will soon be put in a Camp)


4 Responses to “Attention Americans: You Elected An Insane Person”

  1. 1 sally January 26, 2017 at 8:54 am

    Agghhhh – what is great today is the poor Repubs are having a hard time with Mongo at the retreat — where he is not “retreating” from any of his madman plans. And now I must find a “real” copy of the attached music. I forgot how often I used to sing that ditty when people made fun of my most reverent announcements of how I saw the world…

    • 2 bluenred January 26, 2017 at 9:59 am

      Tough luck for them. They assented to Caligula riding their party into the White House.

      Here’s a real version of that song, by a band called Lard, which of course is named after Mongo’s greatest constituent part.

  2. 3 sally January 26, 2017 at 10:17 am

    Wow– loved the Lard! You made my day. Thank you! (And poor Ryan is beginning to look weary and perplexed. He may need to be carried away long before Mongo.) wheee. Namaste

    • 4 bluenred January 26, 2017 at 10:29 am

      Ryan hasn’t gobbled great handfuls of lard with every meal for the past 70 years, as has Mongo. Also unlike Mongo, he actually goes outdoors.

      Many presidents have complained of being cooped up inside the White House—George W. Bush in particular said he missed the outdoors—but the shitgibbon can go for days without breathing in fresh outside air.

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