Mongo Make America Weight Again

So Mongo will be the fattest fuck to waddle into the White House since William Howard Taft, who routinely broke furniture throughout the residence from 1909 to 1913.

Under Taft, the place had only recently recovered from the second presidency of Grover Cleveland, who whaled around the White House from 1893 to 1897.

Mongo has already out-blubbered Cleveland, who spun the trump-fatneedle on the scale up to 260. Mongo, who lies about anything that happens to come out his mouth, initially claimed to weigh 236 pounds, but then revised that to 267. So, by his own admission, he’s currently larded up above Cleveland.

It is quite probable he actually weighs more, and is rapidly approaching Taft’s human-zeppelin record of 340 pounds. In fact, informed sources claim that Mongo’s true weight at this moment is 57,689 pounds. But that, through one of his many deals with the devil, he is able to keep most of it hidden, most of the time, in the fourth dimension.

It is without dispute that Mongo enters the Oval Office as the oldest fart ever to be elected to the presidency. He wheels his walker up and down the halls at age 70, besting the previous record-holder in decrepitude, Ronald Reagan, by a year.

Mongo will likewise be the first president since Reagan to drool around the White House crippled by dementia.

Mongo’s father Fred, had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for 6 years, prior to his death in 1999. And as Salon suggests, the genetic connection may explain some of Mongo’s bizarre behavior.

“At times it can be very hard to distinguish between extreme right-wing politics and symptoms of dementia. The Alzheimer’s Association tells us that if two of the following core mental functions seem impaired then it is time to seek medical help: Memory, communication and language, ability to focus and pay attention, reasoning and judgment, visual perception.

“Alzheimer’s carries other symptoms besides memory loss, including difficulty remembering newly learned information, disorientation, mood and behavior changes; deepening confusion about events, time and place; unfounded suspicions about family, friends and professional caregivers; more serious memory loss and behavior changes.”

Prior to his election, The Improper also picked up on Mongo’s trump-weightodd behavior.

“During a primary campaign stop in Pittsburgh, he gushed: ‘How’s Joe Paterno? We gonna bring that back? Right? How about that—how about that whole deal?’

“Paterno was head coach of Penn State’s football team. He was forced to resign for covering up a child-molestation scandal involving one of his coaches. Mongo seemed to be the only person in the room who didn’t realize Paterno died in 2012.”

If Mongo does have some form of dementia or early Alzheimer’s, it may be well-known among the people closest to him and members of the Republican Party. Alternately, or in combination, Mongo could be an old man with bad manners and almost no self-control, who was born into a life of privilege and thinks living in the past is an actual destination. Either way, from a political perspective, there isn’t much reason for conservative partisans to clue in the public about any of it. The levers of power can be moved by well-hidden puppeteers. And in the case of Mongo, the oldest president in American history, he may never even know it.

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2 Responses to “Mongo Make America Weight Again”


  1. 1 Elva January 19, 2017 at 2:10 pm

    As I sit here with my open lap top, I have my TV on listening to the laying of the wreath on the unknown solider by Trump. He waddled down the steps and I expected him to fall flat on his fat face. Tomorrow I plan to listen to him giving his speech, but I will have my eyes covered. It will be the first day of four years. I hope I am able to be around till that time.

    • 2 bluenred January 19, 2017 at 2:50 pm

      He is old and infirm and demented and he weighs more than two cars. After he left, that soldier climbed out of the crypt and threw the wreath across the boneyard. Mongo needs to be put in a Home. He should be placed on a drug that robs him of speech, and his fingers need to be bound together so he cannot twit. Be careful watching him on the tubes: even short-term exposure can bring on PTSD. And it is the duty of all the Sane and Decent people to have breath until he is properly dispatched to the appropriate jail, morgue, or asylum.


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