It is 5:41 a.m., there in the Mongo Mausoleum. Mongo stirs, abed, coming into what, in him, must pass for consciousness. Beside him, his daughter, Lolita Mongo, also awakens. She slides down the bed, employs a handheld electron microscope, and thereby locates Mongo’s micropenis. She then proceeds to polish his knob. A morning ritual, since her 11th birthday. Or maybe her 10th. Mongo can no longer really remember. Lolita certainly can’t.
Mongo reaches for his pipe, stuffs it full of crank, and lights up. As the Panzer Powder reaches what, in him, must pass for a brain, Mongo turns to his twit machine. And begins, there, to twitler.
All of my Cabinet nominee are looking good and doing a great job. I want them to be themselves and express their own thoughts, not mine!
Okay, that’s relatively sane. Though the truth of it is that his nominees, comprising the worst proposed cabinet in the history of the Republic, are mostly just mouthing whatever it is they think will most likely sail them through the confirmation process.
But then the Panzer Powder really kicks in. As Lolita continues to orally massage his micromember. And he lets go with a great noxious blat of Mellow Yellow dysentery.
It now turns out that the phony allegations against me were put together by my political opponents and a failed spy afraid of being sued….
Totally made up facts by sleazebag political operatives, both Democrats and Republicans – FAKE NEWS! Russia says nothing exists. Probably…
released by “Intelligence” even knowing there is no proof, and never will be. My people will have a full report on hacking within 90 days!
Can no one get through to this “man,” that every time he cites to Russia vowing that he is not a Russian stooge, as proof that he is not a Russian stooge, he stands naked and revealed, as dumber than any dirt clod on the planet?
And that when he persists in placing “intelligence” in quotes, thereby spitting in the faces of the conch shells, and continues to claim that the conch shells leaked on him, though super-spook James Clapper the day before specifically wrote and called him to say they had not, that he is unerringly ensuring, that he is gonna get . . . conch-shelled?
there’s a mongo on the road
his brain is squirmin’ like a toad
the conch shells made their play
so it’s a holiday
they gave that beast a ride
his twits have all now died
mongo on the road
Though it may not need get that far, as the world-savers at Penthouse say they have been contacted by three people claiming possession of Mellow Yellow tapes, and these could be rolling across all and every tube by the end of the week.
Adult magazine Penthouse has received three claims for its $1 million offer to anyone who could provide real tapes of President-elect Donald Trump’s alleged and unproven sexual escapades at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow.
[Editor Ralphie] Arnowitz said Penthouse, which has published controversial documents and interviews in the past, has not received physical tapes or video files but individuals have responded to the offer via email and its customer help line.
Should Penthouse receive a tape or file, Aronowitz said it will then turn it over to experts formerly affiliated with the Federal Bureau of Investigation—how they were affiliated Aronowitz would not explain—in order to authenticate it. Aronowitz said he hoped to see a video by the end of the week but that there is no set time frame or deadline.
Of course, Mongo will then turn to his bff Vlad. Who made his bones authenticating a sex tape that was phony. For Mongo, Vlad will be called upon to perform the opposite function: to discredit a tape that is Real.
Before becoming president at the end of 1999, Mr. Putin played a prominent role in a particularly spectacular example of this Russian specialty. As head of the Federal Security Agency, or F.S.B., in 1997, Mr. Putin won the trust of Mr. Yeltsin by helping to destroy the career of Russia’s prosecutor general, Yury Skuratov, who, after starting an investigation into Kremlin corruption, was disgraced on national television by the broadcast of a video that showed a man who looked like him in bed with two young women.
Mr. Putin certified in public that the man in the video, widely believed to have been arranged and then filmed by the F.S.B., was indeed the prosecutor general. Mr. Skuratov resigned. The corruption investigation ended. A grateful Mr. Yeltsin named Mr. Putin prime minister and then president.
Mongo/Putes-butt-boy propaganda sewers like Zero Hedge, Daily Caller, and the Drudge Report are meanwhile frantically lying that it was psychopaths at 4chan that generated the Mongo material, a dossier that in truth was compiled by ex-MI6 spook Christopher Steele. But no one believes such filth-portals. Except the 62,979,879 howling racists who vomited Mongo into the presidency.
But wait! Mongo is not done! With his morning twitlering!
What are Hillary Clinton’s people complaining about with respect to the F.B.I. Based on the information they had she should never…..
have been allowed to run – guilty as hell. They were VERY nice to her. She lost because she campaigned in the wrong states – no enthusiasm!
Mongo know Clinton woman guilty! Mongo no care what FBI said! Mongo judge! Mongo jury! Mongo executioner!
Here, Mongo is alluding to the belated decision by the Justice Department inspector general to try to determine what the fuck was going on with James Comey and his Mormon minion morons at the FBI, when, ten days before the election, they blabbed all into the public prints about “the emails” on pathetic horndog Anthony Weiner’s weiner-machine. While meanwhile remaining totally silent about the fact they were also investigating Mongo as a Russian stooge.
But Mongo, he need not worry. For unless the Penthouse people come through, in just seven days Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III, and all his many sheet-people, will nightride into the DOJ, thereby ensuring the inspector general inquiry concludes Comey was wholly godly, faulting him only for not immediately lashing the Clinton woman into the prison.
Meanwhile, as Mongo this a.m. twitlered, and as seen above, “My people will have a full report on hacking within 90 days!” Mongo has appointed as head of this “hacking” team the unsound and unsane Ferret. Who will come back with a report that damns the Clinton woman as responsible for all cyber attacks that have ever occurred in the US. And recommend, as the way to remedy this problem, boiling the Clinton woman down into glue, and then using the goo to plug any and all holes in the country’s cyber defenses.
But wait! Mongo not done!
As he releases his Mongo seed into daughter Lolita’s dutifully churning maw, he twitlers:
The “Unaffordable” Care Act will soon be history!
Yeah! Right on! We will march on a road of bones! Of the people Mongo make dead by ripping away their health care!
Lolita Mongo, finished with her morning labors, rests content, knowing she has officially been promoted from knob-polisher, to First Lady. While Mongo wife #3, Melania Mongo, has been dispatched to the doghouse—the only fitting residence, or so Mongo believes, for a woman over the age of 35.
The Mongo administration will likely rename the Office of the First Lady as the Office of the First Family, sources told CNN last month.
Mongo’s daughter, Lolita Mongo, is expected to play an active role in her father’s administration, including advising him on issues ranging from climate change to family leave.
Sources say Melania Mongo, Mongo’s wife, will perform some of the duties traditionally assigned to the First Lady.
The Slovenian immigrant and former model was overshadowed by her stepdaughter during the election campaign. She will live in New York with her son Barron Mongo, 10, in the first few months of Mongo’s presidency.
Assuming, Mongo actually has, a presidency.