Iowa MongoRoids Stick Their Heads Up Their Cornholes

A New York Times reporter journeyed to Iowa to discover the cornholing denizens of that state still have their heads rammed all the way up their anal canals.

A thing called Al Ameling, who lives near the Minnesota border, but is reportedly not allowed into that state, because of his raging cornholing propensities, said he don’t pay no never mind to any Rooskis making Mongo their butt-boy.

Nothing he has heard since Election Day has shaken his support, including reports this week that donald-trump-spars-with-univision-journalist-jorge-ramosAmerican intelligence agencies are investigating unverified accounts of meetings between Trump aides and Russian officials, as well as sex tapes purportedly made of Mr. Trump in Moscow. On Wednesday, Mr. Trump called the allegations completely false.

“The way it is nowadays, unless I see positive proof, it’s all a lie,” Mr. Ameling said in a telephone interview on Wednesday. He added he was more concerned that government officials might have leaked the material to the news media. “I don’t know if it was classified, but if it was, whoever leaked it needs to go to jail,” he said. “We need law and order back in this country.”

Legions of Ameling’s fellow cornholers similarly displayed brains more scrambled than their eggs.

Many were hazy on specific policy details about how, say, House Republicans were seeking to replace Medicare with a voucher system. These voters feared an outbreak of European-style terrorist attacks by Muslims in the United States, maybe in their own communities. And overwhelmingly, Trump supporters did not want their hard-earned money redistributed to people they regarded as undeserving.

Cornholers Jackie Furman and Melissa Ell were contacted while yeehawing around a restaurant.

As she bussed a table, Ms. Ell commiserated with Jackie Furman about those who take advantage of government aid.

“I think they should be drug-testing if they’re on welfare,” Ms. Ell said.

“The welfare system needs to be reorganized,” agreed Ms. Furman, a retired commercial bakery manager, complaining that “Chicago people” were moving to Burlington to receive higher benefits and bringing crime.

Ms. Furman, 70, said, “I’m ashamed to say we caucused for Obama” in 2008. “My view is he purposely got into the presidency so he could ruin America.”

Here is yet another cornholing ding-dong, allowed to vote so special-kind-of-stupidthat the human race can continue to drag its knuckles along the ground for seemingly all eternity.

Mike Staudt, a retired farmer from Marble Rock, voted for Mr. Obama in 2012, but called the Affordable Care Act a form of socialism. He said he had no problem with a candidate who had run as the voice of the working people but was stocking his cabinet with the ultrawealthy.

“I know these guys are really rich,” he said. “They may have pulled off a few plays that weren’t exactly on the up-and-up, but they all had to be pretty smart to be billionaires. If they replace their own concerns with the concerns of the country, they can make things really move forward. That’s what I’m excited about.”

My father was born and raised in Iowa. But while still a very young man he jumped aboard an Indian motorcycle and rode at top speed to California, before his head could disappear forever up his cornhole. If he had not, I would at this moment be at one with these people, out there porking a mule, squealing like a pig, “Shit howdy, Mongo’s for me!”

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