Archive for December 31st, 2016

Naked MongoRoid Makes America Great Again

The Trump Bar opened at noon, and one of the first customers was the street performer known as the Naked Cowboy. His normal turf is Times Square, but he’s been spending a lot of time at Trump Tower. He ordered—“Vodka with a splash of orange juice”—and took a Trump On Route Outdoor Performance Piececorner stool. Over his shoulder were a TV and a magnum of Trump Champagne. He wore his signature getup—cowboy boots, cowboy hat, and Fruit of the Loom briefs with “Trump” on the rear—plus a silk boxer’s robe decorated with the Stars and Stripes. “I wear it while I’m indoors, out of respect,” he said. “I have an affinity with Trump. I get him. We’re both media promoters, media whores, whatever you want to call it. People get hung up on political stuff, but I don’t care. Black, white, gay, transvestite—just stand up and make something of yourself. Look, my wife’s a Mexican immigrant. She still doesn’t have her papers. Maybe she’ll be the next to be deported, who knows? I don’t think he’d do that. But if he does, hey, that’s fate. Plus, it’s a nice thing to have hanging over her head—you know, ‘Do the dishes, or else.’ ”

Andrew Marantz

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Imongoral Address

So first it was claimed that The Troglodyte, Stephen Miller, long-time aide to Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III, before going on the road as carny barker for Mongo, would craft Mongo’s January 20 inaugural address.

It was also expected that The Nazi would contribute a draft. In German.

Then came word that Mongo himself would get out the crayons and trump-good-brain_zpsjxlai9ymbutcher paper, and laboriously scrawl out some Mongbonics:

President-elect Mongo has gotten involved in penning his inaugural address, planning to craft a speech himself that he will keep short so supporters traveling to Washington for the ceremony won’t have to stand out in the cold.

Who knows?

It is possible that Beelzebub will weary of all these middlemen, and inscribe the address himself, in words of fire, which he will then flare out the mouth of Mongo . . . sorta like how it was with that demon-possessed kid in the true-life documentary film The Exorcist.

In the meantime, the conch shells, who are quietly monitoring every move of the Mongo, have vouchsafed unto me a copy of the most recent draft grunted up by the short-fingered vulgarian. Some excerpts follow:

—”Ask not what Mongo do for you, ask what you do for Mongo. What do for Mongo? Bomb newspapers! Newspapers mean to Mongo! Make rubble!”

—”Mongo go in inauguration parade in rickshaw pulled by Clintons. Big funny! People laugh!”

—”Mongo for police! When shoot black person, get raise!”

—”Mongo heal country. States no vote for Mongo, Mongo throw out of United States. First deport states. Then bomb!”

—”Mongo main foreign policy: Mongo need new wife! Old one wore out! She 46—is corpse! Mongo conquer Eastern European countries, with friend Vlad—there find new wives. Vlad keep countries, Mongo only want wimmins. Grab pussys!”

—”Mongo have infrastructure! Make Chinese build railroads, like in Make America Great Again days. For food, they eat Mexicans—solve rapist immigration problem! Railroad ties, them made of Muslims! Greased in pig fat! HAR-HAR-HAR!”

—”Mongo make swear of allegiance to Israel always! Unlike bad Kenyan president. Mongo only puzzlement about Israel: why so many Jews there? Should go somewhere else! Vlad take—Siberia need more peoples! Bannon say put Jews on trains, but make stop on way, for showers. Get clean!”

—”Mongo kill wind machines—ruin golf-course view! Mongo make new energy source—liquify deported people, use to run cars!”

—”Mongo solve climate change—caused by cows farting very bad! Mongo put big plugs in cow bungholes. Problem solve!”

—”Four score and seven years ago—Mongo not born yet! Still in daddy’s penis!”

—”Government must save money. Spend too much! So Mongo get rid of food stamp program. Poor can eat dirt, like in Haiti! Nutritious! Mongo use saved money to gild his advisors. Make pretty, all shiny!”

—”Mongo make jobs program for Negroids living in hellholes. These pedal stationary bicycles to generate electricity. Put in homes of white peoples. Everyone benefit—black people have jobs, white people have power, Mongo have hellholes, where mowed down and replaced with Mongo hotels!”

—”Only thing to fear, Mongo hisself!”


When I Worked

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