Mongo Law Jockeys Arrest Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Van Pelt Siblings

In a stunning pre-dawn raid, armed agents of President-elect Mongo arrested and jailed “several high-ranking members of the so-called ‘Peanuts gang,’ com-smyp Negrofied libtards who have been terrorizing this nation for more than six decades,” Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III has announced.

Appearing before a small gaggle of reporters drawn exclusively from Fox, Breitbart, Stormfront, and Sputnik, seSSions played surveillance footage that seemed to show Charlie Brown, the ceaselessly morose round-headed child who dresses worse than even Bill Belichick, entering a Christmas-tree lot, there selecting a small tree, and then leaving the lot without paying for it.

“You see?” seSSions crowed, “He’s a thief. Open and shut.”

seSSions said that after Brown was arrested and booked, a DNA sample was extracted from the child, “which proves conclusively that—pursuant to the one-drop rule, which, come January 20, will again be the law of this land, thanks be to Jesus—this wanton tree-thieving criminal is a Negro.

“Of course,” seSSions continued, “we knew that as soon as we saw him steal the tree. Because Americans, they don’t steal trees. That’s Negroid behavior.”

seSSions next rolled surveillance tape of “the Peanuts gang” ice-skating.

“You see that dog?” rumbled seSSions. “Negroes—I mean dogs—have no business on the ice. And his outrageous assault on those children? That dog needs to be put down.”

seSSions said that DNA testing had disclosed that the dog, known as Snoopy, is, like Brown, “of the Negroid persuasion.”

Peanuts gang” member Lucy Van Pelt was arrested on charges of practicing psychiatry without a license, seSSions said, while her brother, Linus, was charged with “flagrant homoism.”

“Homoism,” seSSions explained, “is well-known as a subset of Negritude.”

seSSions then produced surveillance footage of what he described as “a Negrified dance orgy.”

“A warrant is out for the arrest of that Negroist piano-player,” seSSions announced. “We believe his name is Schroeder. We have learned that he had no proper permits for holding that Negroid dance orgy in that cramped and confined space. The whole place could easily have gone up in flames, like in that Ghost Ship fire, that cooked all those queers and coloreds.”

seSSions said the child who is the bassist in the above “dance orgy” had been taken into protective custody. “He is known only as ‘Pigpen,'” seSSions explained, “and his parents have allowed him to live in conditions of such squalor and filth that the State has taken possession of him for his own safety and well-being.”

seSSions said “Pigpen” had been given a new name—Steve Bannon—and added that “once the poor boy is cleaned up, he will be immediately enlisted in the Marines, so he can learn how to hunt Negroes, grease Muslims, and shoot Mexicans in the desert. He’s gonna be an American.”

seSSions next happily shared with those assembled some pictures of his slaves.

Asked why he was referring to himself as “Confederate General,” rather than “Attorney General,” seSSions explained that “Mongo has changed the title from ‘Attorney General,’ to ‘Confederate General,’ in order to help heal the country’s divisions.”

seSSions then played for the reporters what he described as the “new anthem” of his department. Which is rendered, in a somewhat different form, below.

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When I Worked

December 2016

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