Archive for December 26th, 2016

Small Blue Thing



Chef Cooks Mongo

I’m a New Yorker, Donald Trump is a New Yorker. And the New Yorkers I know, we’ve lived with this guy for 30 years. I’ve seen Donald Trump say things one day, and then I saw what he did the next. I’ve seen up close how he does business. Just like if you lived in a small town, you’d get to know the sheriff, the guy who runs the hardware store, the guy who runs the filling station. I’m not saying I know the guy personally, not like I’d hug him, but I’m saying that as a New Yorker, we pretty much are neighbors. And my many years of living in his orbit have not left me with a favorable impression, let’s put it that way. There are so many reasons to find the guytrumpspam-0 troubling. When Scott Baio’s the only guy you can find to show up at your convention, you’re in trouble.

He has a vineyard in, is it Virginia? I think a very interesting question would be to see who’s picking his grapes. I believe I know the answer, which is why I’m asking the question.

I will never eat in his restaurant. I have utter contempt for him, utter and complete contempt. Just like David Burke—I mean, I never had the highest opinion of him in the first place, but I guess he’s the last person in this life I should look to for principles. Burke went in and took over [the space Jose Andres had originally occupied], and promptly tried to poach his staff, I hear. This was after Jose reached out and said “Everyone welcome him to Washington, don’t hold it against him, just because I decided to pull out.” So Burke’s a steaming loaf of shit, as far as I’m concerned, and feel free to quote me.

It’s not helpful, that sort of thing [opening in a Mongo hotel]. I’m not asking you to start putting up barricades now, but when they come and ask you, “Are you with us?” you do have an option. You can say “No thanks, guys. I don’t look good in a brown shirt. Makes me look a little, I don’t know, not great. It’s not slimming.”

And Trump—the man eats his steak well done. I don’t think he’s a good person. I remember the Central Park Five, and what he said. I’ve seen how he’s treated employees. I saw what he did to Atlantic City. I saw what he did to the west side of this town. It’s fuckin’ ugly. He’s going to make trumpicecreamthe whole world look like the back of Rick James’ van.

You know, it’s why they always kill the comedians and the poets first. People can’t stand ridicule. It clearly gets under Trump’s skin—he can’t bear it, it’s really a problem for him. So if you’re looking to do something, I think, you should ridicule him. Not his voters. His cabinet, for sure, and his appointees, but not all at once. Stick with him.

A lot of people are like, “I’m never watching your show again, now that you’ve moved to the Clinton News Network.” As if they’ll fall asleep for a few seconds at the end of my show, and wake up and catch a few minutes of Wolf Blitzer, and it causes some homosexual urges and a desire to join Al Qaeda.

If I can convince people to look around, and see who’s actually doing a lot of the work in this country—picking vegetables, it’s all immigrant labor—and then ask themselves, truly, whether they under any circumstances would take that job? You know, to look in the eyes of the cook who makes their eggs-over every day, and ask themselves whether they’d want to stand outside their house and be dragged away from their kids? If I can convince a few people to go to a country like Oman, which has a completely non-sectarian version of Islam, which is incredibly tolerant and super cool, or to Senegal, where they’re Sufi, they’re just as devout as anyone in the Islamic world but people who just came from Dubuque, they’d be comfortable there, they’d find trumpsausagesbeauty in it, they’d hear the call to prayer and think “Okay, there might be something here other than what I thought”? That would please me.

Twitter is proving not helpful, Facebook has been, you know. The troll army has been really interesting. They come up pretty dependably any time the Russia show airs. For a while, any seriously anti-Trump shit I posted, I would get a group of them, a fairly organized troll army, and not just eggs. That’s a new wrinkle. And that ain’t gonna go away. This is now a new, effective way to communicate.

Russia clearly is going to be a problem for me. The last time I was there, they killed my lunch partner, you know? And I’m a little pissed about that. And I’ve expressed that publicly, which is increasingly not such a wise thing to do. Russia, I personally would feel uncomfortable there at this point.

Anthony Bourdain

Mongo Law Jockeys Arrest Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Van Pelt Siblings

In a stunning pre-dawn raid, armed agents of President-elect Mongo arrested and jailed “several high-ranking members of the so-called ‘Peanuts gang,’ com-smyp Negrofied libtards who have been terrorizing this nation for more than six decades,” Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III has announced.

Appearing before a small gaggle of reporters drawn exclusively from Fox, Breitbart, Stormfront, and Sputnik, seSSions played surveillance footage that seemed to show Charlie Brown, the ceaselessly morose round-headed child who dresses worse than even Bill Belichick, entering a Christmas-tree lot, there selecting a small tree, and then leaving the lot without paying for it.

“You see?” seSSions crowed, “He’s a thief. Open and shut.”

seSSions said that after Brown was arrested and booked, a DNA sample was extracted from the child, “which proves conclusively that—pursuant to the one-drop rule, which, come January 20, will again be the law of this land, thanks be to Jesus—this wanton tree-thieving criminal is a Negro.

“Of course,” seSSions continued, “we knew that as soon as we saw him steal the tree. Because Americans, they don’t steal trees. That’s Negroid behavior.”

seSSions next rolled surveillance tape of “the Peanuts gang” ice-skating.

“You see that dog?” rumbled seSSions. “Negroes—I mean dogs—have no business on the ice. And his outrageous assault on those children? That dog needs to be put down.”

seSSions said that DNA testing had disclosed that the dog, known as Snoopy, is, like Brown, “of the Negroid persuasion.”

Peanuts gang” member Lucy Van Pelt was arrested on charges of practicing psychiatry without a license, seSSions said, while her brother, Linus, was charged with “flagrant homoism.”

“Homoism,” seSSions explained, “is well-known as a subset of Negritude.”

seSSions then produced surveillance footage of what he described as “a Negrified dance orgy.”

“A warrant is out for the arrest of that Negroist piano-player,” seSSions announced. “We believe his name is Schroeder. We have learned that he had no proper permits for holding that Negroid dance orgy in that cramped and confined space. The whole place could easily have gone up in flames, like in that Ghost Ship fire, that cooked all those queers and coloreds.”

seSSions said the child who is the bassist in the above “dance orgy” had been taken into protective custody. “He is known only as ‘Pigpen,'” seSSions explained, “and his parents have allowed him to live in conditions of such squalor and filth that the State has taken possession of him for his own safety and well-being.”

seSSions said “Pigpen” had been given a new name—Steve Bannon—and added that “once the poor boy is cleaned up, he will be immediately enlisted in the Marines, so he can learn how to hunt Negroes, grease Muslims, and shoot Mexicans in the desert. He’s gonna be an American.”

seSSions next happily shared with those assembled some pictures of his slaves.

Asked why he was referring to himself as “Confederate General,” rather than “Attorney General,” seSSions explained that “Mongo has changed the title from ‘Attorney General,’ to ‘Confederate General,’ in order to help heal the country’s divisions.”

seSSions then played for the reporters what he described as the “new anthem” of his department. Which is rendered, in a somewhat different form, below.

When I Worked

December 2016
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