Wanted: A Salamander The Size Of A Car, With A Head Shaped Like A Toilet Seat, And A Mouth Bristling With Hundreds of Sharp Little Teeth

Many are the animals who once walked this earth, but walk it no longer, which is Wrong.

Take these salamander people that Science Men recently unearthed from a dry lakebed in Portugal. Their bones are all over the place there.

Bones of the bring mesalamanders. Not of the Science Men.

From these Bones, the Science Men are learning many things. Such as:

“It’s basically a salamander that’s the size of a car,” said Dr. Steve Brusatte, a palaeontologist at the University of Edinburgh, who led the research.

“It’s one of those creatures from the distant past that looks like an alien.”

“[It] had hundreds of sharp teeth in its big flat head, which kind of looks like a toilet seat when the jaws snap shut,” Dr. Brusatte said.

In the late Triassic period, when dinosaurs and mammals were still small and marginal, it was monsters like this which were “the big dogs,” he told BBC News.

Other, related species were even bigger, stretching up to 10m in length—more like a bus than car.

Together these species dominated the supercontinent Pangaea, which was only beginning to split into today’s land masses.

Why are these people not around today? For I need a couple to roam around here on the grounds of the Manor.

Because the Manor is besieged, seasonally, by raccoons. Who rip up the earth and toss plants hither and yon, for No Reason. Other than that are they are Imps of Satan.

A couple of these toilet-seat-headed, car-sized salamanders, I figure, would encourage all raccoons to stay well away.

There is also the matter of dogs. The Manor, blessedly, has never come under assault from dogs. But dogs, it must be recognized, are—everywhere—a constant threat.

The feed store across the street offers many and manifold animals, and in adverting each, offers little signs that provide such information as to where-from each beast do hail.

Today, for instance, I noted that the sign denoting the origin of their rats for sale, read: “everywhere.”

This too is true of dogs. They come from everywhere, and they seek to go to everywhere.

But if there were salamanders the size of a Buick in my yard, with heads like toilet seats, and many hundreds of sharp little teeth, dogs would not come here. And this would be Good.

For “dog,” spelled backwards, is “god.” And you know what that means.

Satan.

Raccoons, like so many of the things that in this world are Wrong, are the fault of white people.

Here the voice of the tubes:

There is evidence that in pre-Columbian times raccoons were numerous only along rivers and in the woodlands of the Southeastern United States. As raccoons were not mentioned in earlier reports of pioneers exploring the central and north-central parts of the United States, their initial spread may have begun a few decades before the 20th century. Since the 1950s, raccoons have expanded their range from Vancouver Island—formerly the northernmost limit of their range—far into the northern portions of the four south-central Canadian provinces. New habitats which have recently been occupied by raccoons (aside from urban areas) include mountain ranges, such as the Western Rocky Mountains, prairies and coastal bad prayi8ngmarshes. After a population explosion starting in the 1940s, the estimated number of raccoons in North America in the late 1980s was 15 to 20 times higher than in the 1930s, when raccoons were comparatively rare. Urbanization, the expansion of agriculture, deliberate introductions, and the extermination of natural predators of the raccoon have probably caused this increase in abundance and distribution.

Because of white people, raccoons are today totally out of control. And soon they shall not only be breaking into our homes and opening our refrigerators—this I have personally witnessed—but also manning our missile launchers.

Raccoons, I mean. Not white people. They already do that.

Before the advent of white people, raccoons were delimited to a small part of the North American continent. But now they are Going Everywhere. And thus, nowhere is safe.

For instance, Dumb People imported raccoons into Japan in the late 1970s. Today, they have taken over the entire country. You can be praying in some shrine in some Japan-land way-back-of-beyond, and a raccoon, totally Satan-controlled, will suddenly roar through the paper wall, and start gnawing on your knees.

Not even the Germans can stop them. Some raccoons got loose from a demented private zoo in Germany during a WWII air-raid, and today they are running totally wild. The population grew from 185 in 1956, to more than 400,000 in 2008. Not even German-style mass extermination programs have proven successful. Soon they will be in the government.

So I need the salamanders big as a car with the toilet heads and all the teeth. Roaming upon the grounds of The Manor. So that My Land can remain raccoon-free. There is enough Satan whenever I go to Google News. I do not also need Him too, whenever, at night, I look out the window.

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