Back To The Future

Back in the days of the tsar Joseph Stalin, ol’ Jolly Joe was praised as many things.

Our Best Friend. Our Best Teacher. The Pathfinder Of The Ages. The Genius Of Science. Brighter joe joeThan the Sun. The Greatest Military Strategist Of All Time. Etc.

Joe in fact kept around as the nation’s president Mikhail Kalinin, because that dude could most often most say such things with a totally straight face.

As his reward, Kalinin saw the ugly scum-town Tver named in his honor: it became Kalinin.

He did not see the old city of Konigsberg renamed, in his honor, Kaliningrad. Because that happened after Kalinin was dead.

Kaliningrad was stolen by ol’ Joe at the cessation of WWII, to serve as the headquarters of the USSR’s Baltic Fleet. Those living there when the Red Army arrived—mostly Germans—were reduced to slave labor for Joe and the boys, before they were finally expelled—all of them—in 1950.

When, after the collapse of the Soviet Union, many towns and cities underwent name changes—Leningrad returned to St. Petersburg, Stalingrad reverted to Volgograd, Moscow was rechristened Putintopia—Kalinin lost the little scum-town, as it became again Tver. But Kaliningrad, it remains Kaliningrad to this day.

And it is a real garden spot, that place, yes indeed, with both the highest crime rate in Russia, and the highest incidence of AIDS and tuberculosis in all Europe. The burg is perhaps best symbolized by the forever-unfinished “House of Soviets”—more familiarly known to Kaliningraders as “the buried robot,” for that is what it looks like. This monument yuckto ugly was built on the site of the 700-year-old Konigsberg Castle, which was mostly destroyed in WWII, with the rest blown up in the 1960s on command of the tsar Leonid Brezhnev, because he apparently got a rash about “fascism” whenever he thought about the place.

“House of the Soviets” was supposed to be some super-whizbang Monument to Something. But construction was abandoned when it became clear the dunce-caps who designed the thing had moronically endeavored to site tons of concrete on the marshy soil of one of the ex-castle’s moats. Folks dropped tools and ran when they realized the thing was listing and sinking. As it still is.

When the tsar Vladimir Putin visited Kaliningrad in 2005 (one of his wives hails from the town), the abandoned edifice was painted light blue and furnished with windows—a nice little Potemkin facade—but no one went into it, or even talked about it. The butt-ugly building is today considered by many to be the apogee of post-war Soviet architecture, and thus some would like to preserve it, as an example of What Can Happen.

Uncle Joe liked to fuck with Kalinin—he basically liked to fuck with everybody—and so in 1938 he arrested Kalinin’s wife, Ekaterina, and hauled her off to a labor camp. (She was Estonian, and for Joe that was reason enough.)

First, though, she was tortured at Lefortovo, until she “admitted” she was a “Trotskyist.” (Leon Trotsky served the same purpose for Stalin as Boris Berezovsky today serves for Putin: the we are familyperson upon whom Everything may be Blamed.)

Sometimes Stalin would have her shipped from the camp to one of his vodka orgies, where she was made to dance on the tables. Her husband, Kalinin, got to watch this, in between bouts of verbal prostration praising Joe as The Genius Of Science, Brighter Than the Sun, The Greatest Military Strategist Of All Time, etc.

Joe let her out of the camps when Kalinin was dying; as soon as Kalinin went under the ground, Stalin sent Ekaterina into exile. Eventually, in 1960, she got from the government a Paper that said that on second thought, “there was no evidence against her of anti-Soviet activities.” Her body had been broken in the camps, and her mind weren’t doing much fine either. Soon after, she died.

Amid all the many praises heaped on Stalin by Kalinin, and by various other assorted toadies, it must be said that ol’ Joe was never credited with having mastered the art of traveling through time. Thus, in this, Stalin has been outdistanced by his successor, the tsar Vladimir Putin.

For, as the world is currently in a flurry about the “disappearance” of Herr Putin, no one, it seems—no one but we here at red—has Examined the Evidence, and thus come to the only true and Right liftoffconclusion: Putin is not disappeared, but is simply traveling through time.

We know this from both Rossiya 24 and Rossiya 1, Russian state TV channels, which on Friday, March 13, announced:

“The Kremlin also reports that Vladimir Putin met with Kyrgyzstan President Almazbek Atambayev on Monday. They talked about cooperation in investment and humanitarian spheres, as well as the energy sector. They also discussed the possibility of Kyrgyzstan joining the Eurasian Economic Union.”

This meeting of the tsar Putin with Kyrgyzstan’s Atambayez will not occur, in normal time, until Monday, March 16—that is, tomorrow. However, according to Rossiya 24 and Rossiya 1, on Friday Putin and Atambayez had already met, and on that Monday, three days hence.

There is but one Explanation for this, and red has it. Yes, Vladimir Putin has secured the services of the esteemed Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown, well-known through the series of Back To The Future true-life documentary films, and Dr. Brown has enabled Herr Putin to freely flit back and forth in time. This is how on Friday, Putin had fly away homesuccessfully concluded a meeting held on the following Monday.

Not only that, Doc Brown has fashioned for Putin a special time-traveling goose, which Putin flies about as he travels from Then to When.

Red has exclusively obtained a photograph, seen there to the left, of Putin astride this wonder-bird, as he visits with a cosmonaut, at some unknown when.

This is far cooler than the DeLorean automobile Dr. Brown once gadded about through time in. Methinks.

So be Aware. He is Coming. Aboard a wonder-bird. To some place, some time. Near you.


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