Archive for February 18th, 2015

Stalin Orders Everyone Out Of The Pool

The invisible doomed disqualified death’s head who has decreed she will serve as the second noggin upon the mutant 2016 presidential Bushton body Wednesday morning Decided that the results of a Poll released by NBC shall Command that all Democrats must immediately cease javolrunning against her, or else be Liquidated.

The Poll allegedly showed that 69% of Democrats in New Hampshire, seems they Want her; in Iowa, she is Wanted by about 68% of Democrats; and in South Carolina, she is some 48% Beyond the nearest Democratic challenger.

“All the other Democrats will Quit Now,” Stalin spokeswoman Alegre Riverdaughter told Bedlam News. “Or we will march on a road of their bones.”

Also on the List of the Dead is David Axelrod, who formerly worked for The Black Man, and who has written a book that contains some Mean things about The Stalin.

“Why would you be undercutting your party’s next candidate?” a Stalin apparatchik moaned about Axelrod’s wanton public Trotskyist heresy.

“It’s not helpful, and it’s definitely not appreciated,” said another henchman. “Frankly, he is Dead.”

Informed Sources indicate that the Stalin campaign is furiously manufacturing and distributing to The Faithful blazingly sharp ice-axes with which the Brains of Deviationists may be Penetrated.

“We came, we saw, they died,” Stalin cackled gleefully.

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Revised Standard Version

way it really was

And We Sailed And We Sailed

Ashcroft, ISIL Condemn Thousands of Penii And Vajayjays Nakedly Displayed

Bedlam News has this morning learned that George II-era Attorney General of the United States John Ashcroft and the 7th-Century time-travelers of ISIL shall together embark on a mission to the Holy Land to there combat thousands of stone come play with uspenises and vaginas that wantonly lie nakedly displayed to the eye of all and every.

The bold and brazen sex organs have apparently been there in the great wide open fornicating without surcease for more than 8000 years. And people have Come to Watch.

“The fact that they are still visible today, thousands of years after being used, indicates that they were frequently visited, for short events, during a significant period of time, and by many people,” opines a heathen Science Man.

In the shocking photo reproduced there to the right and above, a stone penis can be seen Nearing a stone vagina, not caring who Knows or Sees.

“This must be Stopped,” Ashcroft fumed Tuesday night, as around him various Christianist sufferers wailed and rended their garments.

Ashcroft is well-known as an American politician who lost an election to a dead man, rubbed himself up with Crisco before taking bad breaststhe oath of office, abjures calico cats as agents of Satan, and threw a shroud over a statue of the Spirit of Justice, lest her bare stone breasts wreak havoc across the land.

Now—worse even than breasts—penises and vaginas are nakedly frolicking Where Once Walked Jesus.

“They must be Destroyed,” Ashcroft vowed.

In this are agreed the time-travelers of ISIL, who recently arrived in Our Time, looked around, and decided pretty much everybody and everything Here and Now should be burnt or beheaded.

“We will join the infidel Ashcroft in obliterating the Fornicating Evil from the Holy Land,” ISIL spokesman Abu-al-Dim-bulb Bow-Wow-Wow Ben-Wa-Balls-Butt-Buddy La-La-La told Bedlam News. “Then, when the mission is accomplished, we will cut off his head.”

“They shan’t cut off my head,” Ashcroft retorted. “Because it is protected by Holy Crisco.”

For the nonce, Ashcroft and ISIL are united. And together they may be regarded below. Singing a hymn to their creator. Thanatos.


When I Worked

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