Brian Williams: I Shot Jesse James

Informed sources have this night disclosed to Bedlam News that now-suspended NBC newsman Brian Williams has claimed that, once upon a time-travel, it was he who put a bullet into the back of outlaw Jesse James, thereby killing him.

It is by now Well Known that President Barack Obama back in the 1980s was teleported to Mars, as part of a DARPA “chrononauts” odyssey, in which i'm a man yes i amvarious and sundry humans were lashed hither and yon, up and down the line of space and time, for Reasons that seemed Right, at least Then and When.

Now, in a Bedlam News exclusive, we learn that Williams too was part of this Secret program. Yanked by DARPA, for Reasons still Unknown, out of his New Jersey high school, and summarily and without Warning transported to 1882 Missouri, Wiliams found himself there shimmering into life in the parlor of Jesse James, a crazed malevolent psychopathic yeehaw who liked, and even lived, to Shoot Shit, and just Because.

“I knew that he hated Yankees, and I was from New Jersey,” Williams told Bedlam News. “New Jersey is so Yankee that not even most Yankees will acknowledge it . . . unless Bruce Springsteen is singing.

“I knew that if he knew where I was from, he would kill me,” Williams continued. “He was hanging a picture. His back was towards me. But I knew that if he turned around and saw me, he would shoot me. So, it was self-defense.

“I ripped a revolver from the guy standing next to me, whom I later learned was Robert Ford, a known confederate of Jesse’s,” Williams said, “and I shot Jesse in the back. I had to do it. Otherwise he would have shot me.”

Williams has previously asserted that he ingested and then blatted out in dysentery Hurricane Katrina floodwaters, as mounds of bodies first washed over him and then slept in his bed in his hotel room; that he had been penetrated bodily and actually been killed several times by Many Rounds fired by ululaters with RPGs while he shat his pants in helicopters flying above both Iraq and Palestine; that he had been Robbed and Beaten by Scut Fargis while trying to peddle Christmas trees; and that he had planted his penis in Raquel Welch, Don Ho, Jim Dandy, and Jan Morris, among others, though nothing ever squirted out, because he Always got Scared.

I’ve never personally experienced Brian Williams. Because I have not viewed broadcast TV in this millennium. And, long before the man shat in the anchor’s chair, I heard him on the Sean Klannity radio show, soberly fellating Rush Limbaugh. And thereby concluded he was but a brainless geek who should Go to Hell.

He’s of interest to me now only because he is a Walter Mitty who Got In Trouble because he Decided that to be a Real Man he had to become one with serial killers and five-star racists.

He had to, in short, become a ‘Merican.

More repulsive to me than that he exaggerated shit is that when he speaks of riding with the American military serial killers, who had no business being in Iraq, he incessantly speaks of “we”—as if proud to be among, to identify with, these murderous psychopaths—and eagerly adopts, their serial-killer language, as in describing helicopters as “birds.”

Then, when he spins out in his head his tales of Katrina-era New Orleans, he’s constantly invoking Doom and Danger from rampaging gangs of black Tom Robinsons bent on murder and rapine. Those cry like a robotfucked buck Negroes will even kill him to get his water bottle!

The guy is a complete pathetic sadsack. And now I read he’s the number one news anchor in the nation? Jeebus wept.

I hear Williams wanted—when Jay Leno, a man as funny as Drano, who utterly destroyed, forever, the Tonight Show, announced he was stepping down to fuck full-time his 223 cars—to uplift his butt from the anchor chair and plop it back down in the Tonight seat. Which shows the man, as a news man, was never serious.

I don’t care that the man says he shot Jesse James. I care that we were ever supposed to believe he was capable even of even of even of but reading the news.

I care that he’s the devil, as foreseen by James and Albert Brooks.

What do you think the devil is going to look like, if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I’m semi-serious here. He will look attractive, and he will be nice, and helpful, and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation, and he will never do an evil thing. He will just, bit by little bit, lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he’ll get all the great women.

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