Polar Bear Penises Are Melting

Stunned and sorrowful are Science Men, having determined that polar bear penis bones are shriveling and snapping, due to the human penchant for plastics.

[E]xperts have warned that chemical pollutants may be help me spockreducing the density of the bears’ penis bones.

This puts them at risk of breaking their penis, which could have disastrous consequences for mating and the survival of the endangered species.

A team of scientists led by Christian Sonne at Aarhus University, Denmark, has found that a certain type of pollutant called polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) is associated with a less dense penile bone.

They have previously shown bears that have high levels of pollutants named organohalogens, such as PCBs, in their bodies, have smaller than average penis bones and testes.

PCBs were used to make paints and rubber goods in the 1930s, but were banned in 2001 after scientists discovered they can cause cancer.

Because they break down slowly, they can still be found in the Arctic, meaning that animals such as polar bears are especially at risk.

In the wake of this Horror, informed sources have told Bedlam News that Clinton II, the death’s-head recently disqualified as a Democratic Party candidate for president, has laid in truly massive amounts of PCBs, intending to administer them in huge doses to her husband, Mr. Death’s-Head, in order to render reasonably quiescent his rampaging Clenis.

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2 Responses to “Polar Bear Penises Are Melting”


  1. 1 sally January 29, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    oh, where, oh where else could I learn extremely important bits of information if not from you! Do I sound sarcastic? No, no– I am truly concerned about the polar bears’ existence, as well as his ability to find sexual joy. There’s not a lot of excitement happening on the melting ice where he resides. Sorry that I feel much less concern about Clinton II — though you surely have noted how many others in the halls of our Congress who need large doses of PCB or zippers that need to be soundly dosed with Elmer’s Glue.


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