Auld Lang Syne

New Year’s is traditionally a time when white people stay up late, wear silly hats, blow horns, and then go out and get arrested for drunk driving. Once they sober up, they stagger home, and there laycelebrate on the couch and watch TV football all day. Thus it has been so, and for millennia.

It did not surprise me, when I stumbled recently upon a tube called Muslim Matters, to learn that Muslims frown upon New Year’s. Because Islam, after all, was founded by a man who liked to ride his horse very fast across the desert, looking for heads to cut off. Then he would retire to the tent, where he would rotate his penis among various wives and concubines, meanwhile refining the religion he had invented, featuring himself as its bestest and lastest prophet. There was simply no place in this man’s life for liquor, blat-horns, or pigskin.

Muhammad Wajid Akhter records in Muslim Matters four Islamic gripes about New Year’s.

First, “it is technically inaccurate and pagan.” Well, shit. Them pagans—fucking everywhere, and seemingly impossible to get rid of.

“As Muslims,” Wajid intones, “we have our own calendar that has been in constant use for 1400 years. Even though we may end up using the Gregorian calendar due to circumstances beyond our control, we know for a fact that Allah has ordained the use of the lunar calendar for us in our worship—and therefore, by extension, our daily lives.”

But New Year’s, “its origin—like so many Western holidays—lies in the pagan Roman festivals associated with Janus—the two headed deity who symbolised change.” Janus is actually a pretty cool dude, but we don’t have time for that now. For Wajid is now on about how “the Gregorian calendar (so called because it was developed by Pope Gregory) ouchdecided on the 1st of January as the New Year to celebrate the circumcision of Jesus.”

Wait . . . what?

But—get this—turns out this is true. Seems that all this time, there on New Year’s, people, rather than drinking and eating Doritos, should have been out filleting foreskins, in honor of the Skinning of the Lord.

Who knew? Certainly not me. Learn something new every day.

A word about this Pope Gregory person. This was the Gregory XIII version, and he was definitely of the rat-bastard form of pope. His idea of a good time was to celebrate a mass that exulted in the slaughter of 30,000 people in the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre. He dispatched both troops and assassins to Great Britain to get after Elizabeth I, and swarmed like sand-fleas both spies and missionaries upon the shores of Japan and the Philippines. He ordered that more tomes fry in that papal lake of fire known as the Index Of Forbidden Books. And he especially liked to persecute Jews.

On New Years Day 1577 Pope Gregory XIII decreed that all Roman Jews, under pain of death, must listen attentively to the compulsory Catholic conversion sermon given in Roman synagogues after Friday night services. On New Years Day 1578 Gregory signed into law a tax forcing Jews to pay for the support of a “House of Conversion” to convert Jews to Christianity. On New Years 1581 Gregory ordered his troops to confiscate all sacred literature from the Roman crazed haterJewish community. Thousands of Jews were murdered in the campaign.

Throughout the medieval and post-medieval periods, January 1—supposedly the day on which Jesus’ circumcision initiated the reign of Christianity and the death of Judaism—was reserved for anti-Jewish activities: synagogue and book burnings, public tortures, and simple murder.

Right up through the 18th century police in Rome would use whips to drive Jews to Catholic Churches to listen to their weekly sermon. Even in the church police will be present, using whips on Jews who fall asleep or who appear to not be paying sufficient attention to the priest.

[Gregory also] renewed (1581) the prohibition against the attendance of Jewish physicians upon Christian patients, and ordered (1581) the surrender to the inquisitors of all copies of the Talmud[.]

When this utter ass decided to muck with the calendar, it was because he was grumpy that the Julian calendar was “too long”—in that it treated each year as 365 days, 6 hours, rather than the “more real” 365 days, 5 hours and 49 minutes. As a result, Easter had, over time, “moved” . . . which made Big Hat Greg so crazy he almost had to rush into a nunnery and sire another bastard.

Instead, he came up with the Gregorian calendar. And, in doing so, decreed that, in order for time to get in line with his new calendar, ten whole days—October 5 through October 14 of 1582—would never exist. Everyone on the planet would just skip right over them. They would be non-days, never born. October 4, 1582, would be followed by October 15, 1582. So Greg had it written. So he had it done.

The common people went wild, regarding this as simply a ruse to rob them of a week-and-a-half’s rent. The church was always about ripping them off; now the thing was actually abolishing whole days, just to steal their money. Various different-one peoples, particularly in let's change timeEastern Europe, refused to recognize the Gregorian calendar for many centuries. In Russia, for instance, Greg’s new page-turner was not accepted until the Bolsheviks decided in 1917 that they might as well overthrow time, as well as everything else.

But back to why Muslims have a Hate for New Year’s.

“What,” grouses Wajid, there in Muslim Matters, “is there to celebrate?”

New Year’s, bespeaks Wajid, “is a celebration that is completely cut off from the reality of the rest of the Ummah. The starvation in Somalia, the murder in Syria, the imprisonment of Gaza, the ethnic cleansing of Burma—celebrating the New Year is pretty much exactly the opposite of the ‘fever and wakefulness’ that the Prophet spoke about when he said we were like one body.”

Okay, this is the “shit is bad and so we’re bad too if any time we have a good time” argument.

Boooorrrrring.

Next up, New Year’s “usually involves un-Islamic practices.” Like, “when you picture New Year’s Eve celebration, you don’t picture people sitting in an Islamic environment encouraging each other towards good as the clock strikes midnight. Instead, they are mixed gender events where people wear fashionable clothes, dance and sing songs, etc. It is necessarily an Islam free zone[.]”

Oh my god. Women and men dancing and singing together. Surely the earth shall quake in the greatest of pain, and the very stars of the sky shall wink out in shame. AND WHAT IF THERE’S deep badnessNAKEDNESS? The very prophet, yea verily, might have to shriek and poke his eyes out.

Finally, decrees Wajid, New Year’s is “against the spirit of Islam.”

Apparently there was some massive Muslim confab on this question:

This issue occupied the minds of greater people than us—Uthman, Ali and many other of the greatest Sahaaba. When the great assemblage of the companions of the Prophet had discussed this issue at length, the matter was brought to a close by the wise words of Caliph Umar that are as relevant today as they were then. He said:

“The Hijrah has separated truth from falsehood, therefore, let it become the epoch of the era.”

Right. I especially like the “truth” of how Muhammed took off from the Temple Mount on a flying horse that winged him up for a tour around the various heavens, where he met some prophets and also his god. Said magical sojourn thereby conveniently enabling Muslims to supplant the site of Solomon’s Temple, the holiest site in Judaism, with their very own al-Aqsa Mosque, to mark the spot where Muhammed went a-heaven-flying on a Very Special Horse.

Just as the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris sits atop, deliberately, what was once a druid sacred grove.

Animals duel over dirt, with their piss, to mark their territory.

Humans, in their own way, do the same.

Party.

Advertisements

0 Responses to “Auld Lang Syne”



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




When I Worked

January 2015
M T W T F S S
« Dec   Feb »
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  

%d bloggers like this: