Time Has Come Today

In his classic anthropological text Breakfast of Champions, that respected Science Man, the esteemed Dr. Kurt Vonnegut, recorded penis measurements of all the male humans referenced in that tome. At one point, he notes of one man: “He had a penis eight hundred miles long and two hundred and ten miles in diameter, but practically all of it was in the fourth dimension.”

This revelation initially sent shockwaves rumbling through the World of Science. For, if the average woman’s vagina elongates to no more than four to seven inches when he is risenaroused, how, then, could an eight-hundred-mile long penis ever hope to fit such an orifice?

The answer soon Came, as intensive Science Man study determined that most aroused vaginas are actually six- to nine-hundred-miles deep. However, fourth-dimensional instruments and/or brainwaves are required to apprehend the entirety of these vaginas.

Once it was understood that both penises and vaginas are far larger than they appear in mere three-dimensional space, Science Men Studies commenced to determine whether other human body parts are likewise larger, when further dimensions are considered and probed.

Soon, the Science Men known collectively as The Byrds released a monograph entitled “Eight Miles High,” which recorded their findings of the fourth-dimensional size of the human hallux (a.k.a., the “big toe”).

Similarly, that Oklahoma Doctor of Pentecostology, Oral Roberts, announced he was receiving visitations from a 900-foot-tall Jesus, fully arrayed in four dimensions, who had arrived to urge people to send Roberts money.

It now being established Science Fact that humans—and in fact pretty much everything else—are in truth much larger than they appear, I decided, with a birthday of my award-winning deviant daughter approaching, to hire a Science Man to determine her true age.

My hunch was that, if people are in Reality larger than they appear in mere three dimensions, they’re probably older, too.

And, it is indeed so. The results are in, and my hired Science Man has reported that, when all dimensions are examined and considered, my daughter is in truth 640 eleventy-billion years old.

This means she is far older than the Big Bang that resulted in this particular universe, and older than thirty or forty thousand of the Big Bangs that came before. And because time is, among other things, a mobius strip, she’ll be around for the next thirty or forty thousand Big Bangs that come after. Basically, she’s immortal. So, too, are you. This, it has been Proven, and it is True. Be happy in it. My advice.

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2 Responses to “Time Has Come Today”


  1. 1 sally January 6, 2015 at 11:51 am

    oh, oh, oh –Dr. Gill spoke of Shakespeare and the process of stochastic time. I’m not sure what that means. Einstein (and Milton?) announced that the past, present and future exist simultaneously –a four dimensional existence. I’m not sure what that means. I do understand Dorothy Parker’s TEMPS PERDU. Happy birthday to DAUGHTER. Namaste -xoxox

  2. 2 bluenred January 6, 2015 at 6:59 pm

    “Stochastic” is a weird word—it sounds like some sort of blockage in the throat.

    And thanks for the Dorothy. ; )


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