City Of Angels

From the beginning, as a Spanish colonial town, Los Angeles was a tough place, whose first building was the jail. After the Mexicans were dispossessed by the Yankees in the 1850s, with a chicanery that is typical of the place, it remained for the next twenty years the worst frontier outpost in the West, with whorehouses, weekend murders, and frequent lynchings of Chinese and Mexicans. The Protestant churches even closed down and abandoned the city to the devil—and the Roman Catholic Church.

—Frank MacShane, The Life of Raymond Chandler

Time for another episode of “Overheard in LA,” in which little conversational gems culled—okay, stolen—from the laist featurette are rendered here for red readers. I so enjoyed the last one I posted, back he is risingthere in September, that I thought I’d put up another.

To refresh: these are Real words, uttered by Real lost angels, which touchingly reveal who they are, and what they are about.

—”Oh my god, I just realized they didn’t play ‘Gangam Style’ at our wedding!”

—”Oh my god, that dog is so cute. You should have it stuffed when it dies.”

—”Oh my god, I just got the best parking spot. I am going to change all my plans for the day.”

—”Why would anyone squeeze juice out of a giant mammal and drink it?”

—”If they can make watermelons seedless, I’m pretty sure they can make dogs that don’t shit.”

—”I don’t need to be drunk to be a stripper.”

—”After a wax, all my follicles are sore.”

—”It looks like the collagen is only in half of my lip!”

—”I spend a lot of time alone, so I change my look a lot so the people I talk to in the mirror always look different.”

—”People in L.A. are terrible drivers. Trust me, I almost hit a bicyclist, like, every day.”

—”Don’t you just hate it when your WiFi doesn’t reach your hot tub?”

—”Yeah, I guess I could just go home and write some songs.”

—”She never worked again after she got a nose job.”

Whole Foods cashier: “Would you like to kill a tree and get a bag or would he is still risingyou like to carry your items out?”

Young woman: “If I pay for coffee on a date, I devalue myself.”

—”You are the first guy I have dated in years that doesn’t have an iPhone. I still feel weird that your messages aren’t blue.”

—”I’m going to outsource my next breakup.”

—”He wasn’t a vegan. He was a Vulcan. It’s a different dietary situation.”

—”They’ve gotten more sexy now: Brussels sprouts.”

—”Spit that gum ball out. It’s not good for you. IT’S NOT SUGAR FREE.”

—”It’s a paleo, gluten-free, probiotic wrap. And it’s farm-to-table!”

—”Maybe I’m, like, just not meant to eat kale.”

—”I wouldn’t say I’m manorexic, but I’m giving up sugars and dinners.”

—”Whatever you do, Aaron, don’t get blackballed from Bay Cities the way our last intern did.”

—”My brother was re-birthed in a men’s group today. He literally simulated a vaginal water birth in a pool surrounded by men. He really had some breakthroughs. Apparently our mom was stressed during labor.”

—”I swear on my hamster’s life.”

—”I hate Waze. Buncha assholes telling me how to drive. I don’t need to crowd source my self-loathing.”

—”Halloween stresses me out. I can’t tell if people are celebrating early, or just back from their estheticians.”

—”I’m really shocked by the lack of Jesus in California.”

—”Will there be Xanax in heaven?”


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When I Worked

November 2013
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