Season’s Bleatings

They’ve started in with the Christmas music. Three stores I’m in yesterday, and in every one, some plodding, soul-marauding version of “The Little Drummer Boy.”

Why? Why is that song everywhere? What does it even mean? I can never remember. It is a trauma, and so I’ve blocked it all out. I know there’sthe horror. the horror. a kid. And he has a drum. And he bangs on it. Other than that, it’s all a blur.

It can’t be a Real song of the season. For if it were, there would be some well-known, artful, true-life documentary film about it. Like Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol, or Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. But no. It is just a sound. A plodding, noxious sound. An aural incubus, that attaches itself to the rear of the year, to drive us all mad.

Even as a youth, the drum beast, he soiled my soul. The thing has these hideous refrains: “do you hear what I hear?” “do you know what I know?” Etc. My brother and I, while still wee tykes, in order to Survive, whenever we were set upon by this demon, with his sticks and his skin, would recite “do you smell what I smell?” And then hold our noses, or make some disgusting farting noises with our lips. It was like a charm. To ward off the Horror.

This is still my automatic response, when assaulted by the drumming one. And so, yesterday, while shuffling through the feed store, bearing a bag of crickets, to reenact with the bearded dragon The Wild Bunch, and the kid starts in with his drumming, over the store sound system, I hear myself, audibly mumbling: “do you smell what I smell?”

People looked askance. Some of them moved away. A couple clutched their children.

Fuck ’em. They don’t know what it’s like. Living in this brain.


50 Responses to “Season’s Bleatings”

  1. 1 nancy a November 16, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Now Wait a Minute!

    Isn’t this only supposed to be like the Greatest X-Mas Song Ever?? : )

    • 2 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      Saints be not praised. It is David Robert Jones. And the corpse of Bing Crosby. And they are banging the boy.

      • 3 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 1:30 pm

        now hold up a hot minute . . . i know for a fact you ain’t the Grinch with a heart 2 sizes too small.

        you like at least one or two things about Christmas, don’t you?

        God rest Ye, Merry Gentleman . . . . and ho ho ho. 😉

  2. 8 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    just came back to say hi and bye . . . .until next Wednesday, but WHAT is this sacrilegio y blasfemo mas doliente/i>? hmmm?

    i’ll bet you never heard Our Blessed Angel Whitney Houston sing the hell outta what i’ll admit is otherwise an earworm, so here is her rendition of the way that song is ‘sposed to be sung and heard.

  3. 23 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    no coincidences, word. i was up all night @ work and listened to Changes. David Bowie’s magis and style are what would you call it – timeless? never gets old. always gets better on re-listening.

    • 24 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      Between you and the sooth, this place is a David Robert Jones vortex. I guess I shall have to devote more posts to the fellow.

      • 25 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 3:16 pm

        that’s the best idea i’ve heard in a while. 😉

        • 26 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 3:32 pm

          You folks may have a David Robert Jones jones, but he’s never made any cool Christmas movies, as did the corpse of Bing Crosby. Before he was a corpse.

          • 27 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 3:35 pm

            did i say he was Gil Scott-Heron or 2Pac or Little Stevie Wonder? no, no, and no . . . . but we the peoples loves some diversity, don’t we? 😉

      • 28 nancy a November 16, 2013 at 4:52 pm

        Well, weekly, maybe?: )

        • 29 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 4:59 pm

          You want the dude every week? The thing will transform into the Orwell & Jones Revue.

          Okay. Here’s some David Robert Jones.

          • 30 nancy a November 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm

            Wrong Guy – that is decidedly not The Best Dressed Man in the Entire Universe : )

            But you know i am only teasing..

            Your Demanding Readers have their faves, but the creative surprises are the Best Part of this place..


            • 31 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 5:38 pm

              That version of Jones had other stuff to worry about, besides clothes. He was busy trying to ruin all the universes; the hopping from one universe to the other, meanwhile, sometimes caused Problems like his face melting and blistering and festering and mutating.

              It’s a hard life, being David Robert Jones.

  4. 32 Alexa November 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    it occurs to me that there are tags for ala and Ms. Ah-Ha . . . however, as per The Thing Itself, one can only assume that Alexa Diaspora is unworthy of a tag. i beg to differ on that . . . but i ain’t trying to tell you how to run your own bizness. 😉

    • 33 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 3:48 pm

      You know, in Reality, probably most of the posts around here should just be tagged Underneath The Bunker.

      ; 0

      • 34 Alexa November 17, 2013 at 12:50 am

        tired as i am right now, it occurs to me that lyrics of the 80s are still – as ever – fuckin wid me.

        the reflex is an only child
        he’s waiting in the park

        see? that’s what i’m talkin about! can you make it stop, por favor con dulci y besos y conquestara. i’m serious, too. i think my last thought in this lifetime will be nonsense lyrics from a nonsense era and i would pay real money for some brain plasticity white-out. haha.

        • 35 bluenred November 17, 2013 at 8:20 am

          I am haunted by TV-ad jingles that were cruelly implanted in my brain when I was, like, five.

          Such as:

          ay, yi, yi, yi
          i am the frito bandito


          you get a lot to like
          with a
          filter, flavor
          pack or box

          Make it stop.

          • 36 Alexa November 17, 2013 at 12:46 pm

            why does this weird sticky phrasicity get stuck in our heads?

            lots of people don’t endure this. some could not endure it.

            • 37 bluenred November 17, 2013 at 1:12 pm

              I am sure there is a Science Man study out there somewhere that seeks to explain it. I’ll try to track one down. I know too that a couple years ago on this blog I wrote about such “Earworms.” So maybe I explained it then. I just can’t remember, now. I can only remember Frito and Marlboro jingles. : /

              • 38 Alexa November 23, 2013 at 1:16 am

                what does my sweet prince prefer? gotta tell you i like magick way more than science.

                • 39 bluenred November 24, 2013 at 3:42 pm

                  Since Mr. Clarke observed that any sufficiently advanced form of science is indistinguishable from magic, I think it’s wise to pick magic. ‘Cause then you get both. ; )

          • 40 Alexa November 23, 2013 at 1:18 am

            hold the phone. is that last one real? the marlburoughs one? where and when was that?

            • 41 bluenred November 24, 2013 at 3:44 pm

              Totally really. It was a jungle that was on the teevee back in the Dark Ages when they let cig ads on the thing. Children were made to listen to it. Then they went out and became chimneys.

    • 42 bluenred November 16, 2013 at 4:31 pm

      It occurs to me we could inaugurate the Alexa Diaspora tag with a blog post by Alexa.


  5. 45 dave h November 20, 2013 at 11:46 am

    better holiday fare:

  6. 49 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) December 7, 2013 at 1:48 am

    One of my very favorite things about you is that you like to change the lyrics of songs and then mutter them randomly whilst out shopping. I’ve always enjoyed that,

    I read this while out with my mom, and she asked why I was laughing so hard, so I read it out loud to her and her response was to start singing the “I’m All Alone In The World” song. And she agrees with you that the Drummer needs to be Stopped.

    Also, “aural incubus” is possibly the best usage of alliteration ever penned.

    • 50 bluenred December 8, 2013 at 2:07 am

      But I thought “I’m All Alone In The World” was verboten, because it moves you to tears.

      That was one of many indicators that let me know, from the get-go, that you were a truly special child. Because that song indeed encapsulates, baldly, the howling loneliness of incarnation, in the corporeal container of the human body. And you felt that. All the way. From before you could even freakin’ talk. And have held on to it. To this day. The essential error, of moving from shared consciousness, to this singular shit.

      “Aural incubus.” Yeah, that’s pretty good. I didn’t notice it at the time. I was just ramblin’ on. Trying to get to the end.

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