Mutant Watch

Recently I have been encountering references to something called a “Miley Cyrus.”

For a long time I hadn’t a clue as to what sadthis person, place, or thing, actually was.

Then, the Truth, it became clear to me. When I realized that we were not talking about “Miley Cyrus.” But, rather, mileycyrus. This being the scientific name for a sad and debilitating birth defect in which the sufferer is born with a tongue entirely too large to fit inside the mouth. And so it flops around outside all the time.

Now that Science Men have announced they have discovered a way to monkey with genes so that all Wrongness and Weirdness may be evicted from embryos, mileycyrus shall soon be a thing of the past.

And not a moment too soon.

11 Responses to “Mutant Watch”

  1. 1 nancy a November 7, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Science Men should Hurry..

    There is an Army. There is a Movement…

    Please do not ask me how i know this : )

    • 2 bluenred November 7, 2013 at 3:41 pm

      It is a bowel movement. It is an art army.

      Although in some of those shots she looks like she could have strolled out of the Factory and into “Walk On The Wild Side.”

  2. 3 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 7, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    This is good news for I, too, am afflicted with the birth defect mileycyrus. My tongue is too big for my mouth as well, and therefore every single time I sneeze (truly), I bite it. I have gotten used to the unpleasant sensation, but I am happy to hear that further generations shall not have mileycyrus inflicted upon them.

    • 4 bluenred November 7, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      I don’t believe you are afflicted with mileycyrus. I believe it is Normal for the tongue to sometimes extrude from the mouth when one sneezes. The true sufferer of mileycyrus has a tongue that lolls far outside the lips at any and all times. It has to be rolled up like a carpet and secured with twine in order to remain secured in the oral cavity.

      Many strange Things, they Happen, when one sneezes. For instance, it is against the law to sneeze while driving an automobile. This is because the eyes close, completely, always, when one sneezes.

      What I don’t understand is why you have to bite your tongue when it extrudes outside your mouth during a sneeze. Sneezing generally involves opening the mouth. Try to sneeze with your mouth closed, and you will hurt yourself. That your mouth seems to slam shut during a sneeze: perhaps this indicates that you have an inordinate number of alligator or crocodile genes. These people’s mouths are programmed to snap shut whenever anything encounters the teeth. Perhaps a DNA test is in order. ; 0

      • 5 Rain Jeys November 7, 2013 at 10:45 pm

        Is that actually illegal? I know it’s unfortunate when one sneezes while driving.

        Multiple dentists assure me that my jaw is undersized. So when I sneeze, my tongue sticks out slightly whilst my jaw automatically closes, perhaps because of alligator DNA, or perhaps because I don’t believe in breathing with my mouth and so leave it closed most of the time. So I suppose I have a minor offset of mileycyrus Plus at some point I became convinced that it was necessary for the mouth to be closed when sneezing so as to avoid the spreading of germs. And the last time I has dentistry done they made my tooth too big so now when I sneeze I bite my cheek too. Science Men need to get on this, but after they cure the advanced form of mileycyrus.

        • 6 bluenred November 7, 2013 at 11:41 pm

          First of all, fuck the spreading-of-germs shit. If people in your sneeze-radius cannot handle your germs, they need to either buck up, or go into a bubble-tent.

          Clearly, you have been Placed In Fear by dentists and god knows who else, all of whom should be placed in a Concentration Camp.

          It is not necessary for you to bite your tongue in half so that you do not, through a sneeze, spread “germs.”

          No one’s teeth close “automatically” on their tongue when they sneeze: you are doing this from some sort of terminal germ-aversion, which you no doubt picked up from, uh, er, The Compound.

          You should come up here, and I will walk you through the town, and invite you to sneeze freely; and you will then learn, from perusing the newspapers and the intertubes over the next several weeks, that you have not inflicted upon the populace some sort of devastating Captain Trips plague of disease.

          Dentists who say your jaw is “undersized” are simply trying to rob your money.

          I think you should come here and fully extrude your tongue while sneezing maniacally. When, after a month, everyone has not died, like they did in The Stand, you will know that Wrongness People have buried you in horseshit. And then you can climb free of it. ; )

        • 7 bluenred November 7, 2013 at 11:52 pm

          And what the hey is this business about “the last time I had dentistry done they made my tooth too big so now when I sneeze I bite my cheek too”? I thought dentists just ripped teeth out, or filled up tooth-holes with metals like mercury, that would later drive you mad.

          Are you telling me they now swell the things, the teeth, like ticks?

          If some dentist swelled your tooth up like a tick, so that you now have to bite your tongue at all times, go in and tell him to remove the tickness, which I’m sure you never gave him permission for in the first place.

          Otherwise, we will sue, and sue, and sue, and take all his money, and his condos, and his yachts.

          • 8 Rain Jeys November 8, 2013 at 12:12 am

            I don’t know who or why or what or how I started sneezing close-mouthed, I guess I thought everyone did until you just informed me that was not the case. The dentists have never charged me extra for having a small jaw, they just continue to ask me to open wider when I can’t, and then proclaim that I can’t open wide enough because my jaw is tiny.

            Well see, the teeth on the left side of my mouth got kind of messed up because my wisdom teeth grew in and there wasn’t room, so they didn’t line up right. Then my crown fell off so I went for half a year without it, and now that all my teeth are “normal” again, I’m not used to it, because they felt tinier for a while. It’s just a matter of me getting used to it. At least my wisdom teeth are gone now so my teeth don’t ache all the time.

            I’d like to come and visit you! With or without a Proper Sneeze Procedure Boot Camp. 🙂

  3. 10 sally November 10, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Egad– I was told to sneeze with my mouth open so as not to damage my nose! No one seemed to care about the germs– and now I see they do not tell children to cover their mouths when coughing or sneezing, but to cough or sneeze into one’s elbow! It is a strange sight. And Rain Jeys belongs in heavenly places. She should visit. Meanwhile, gotta dash and look for a frog that chirps like a bird. I searched for a bird beneath my front bedroom window (!) until someone said it was likely a frog. Frogs do chirp– but supposedly only in Texas. Is that so? Can a Science Man help here…sigh.

    • 11 bluenred November 10, 2013 at 1:50 pm

      I believe there are frogs that chirp. Frogs make many different sorts of noises. I used to have a frog who was silent most of the year. Until breeding season arrived. Then he would startle the peace of the evening, bellowing to raise high the roofbeams.

      Elbows, for no reason known to me, enjoy a lot of cachet these days. You are not supposed to put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear. You are supposed to sneeze into your elbow. Next we will hear that the elbow is a vital and necessary adjunct to sexual congress. Or that humans possess a second brain, as did the dinosaurs, located in the elbow.

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When I Worked

November 2013

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