Archive for November 7th, 2013

Squeal Like A Pig

Recently I excoriated the Lay’s people for having, in my opinion, gone stone-mad, in unleashing upon the land “Cheesy Garlic Bread” potato chips.

In the comments to that piece, I further learned party with your pig onthe company is also now peddling “Chicken and Waffle” chips.

The horror. The horror.

I could come up with no reasonable explanation for this. Except perhaps that, in this merger-happy nation, Lay’s had merged with an insane asylum, and so certified lunatics were now churning out the chips.

But today I have to reassess this conclusion. Because evidence is emerging that Lay’s, with its various and sundry waffle and garlic-bread chips, may actually be paddling in what these days passes for the mainstream of American commerce. Now that I have learned of bacon-scented deodorant.

Now, I like bacon. But I like it in my mouth. I like what my taste buds have to say about it. I have never considered applying it to my body. Much less affixing a couple strips to my armpits.

But who am I to say? Matt Drudge, we know, when he engages in sexual congress, likes to get all drippy and gooey with raw eggs. Maybe he also likes his partners to grease up with fresh raw bacon. Bacon and eggs, as we know, go well together. Maybe this sort of thing brings new meaning to “squeal like a pig.”

Maybe for such people J&D’s Foods new $9.99 “Power Bacon deodorant” is just the ticket. A wonderment described by the company thusly:

For When You Sweat Like A Pig. POWER BACON is the Meaty Fresh evolution of J&D’s meat flavored and scented health and beauty products division. Designed specifically for people with active lifestyles, POWER BACON provides 24 hours of Bacon Scent. For all day meat scented protection apply liberally. Do not eat, leave exposed to sunlight or explore the wilderness without a firearm(s).

I think probably something is going on in the country that I don’t understand. I think maybe I need to fill the larder with Chicken & Waffle potato chips, lather my pits with Power Bacon deodorant, get me a coupla guns, and then call a radio talk-show, wherein I shall squeal like a pig that New World Order black helicopters are forcing me to enroll in Obamacare.

Then, perhaps, at last, I shall be an American.

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Mutant Watch

Recently I have been encountering references to something called a “Miley Cyrus.”

For a long time I hadn’t a clue as to what sadthis person, place, or thing, actually was.

Then, the Truth, it became clear to me. When I realized that we were not talking about “Miley Cyrus.” But, rather, mileycyrus. This being the scientific name for a sad and debilitating birth defect in which the sufferer is born with a tongue entirely too large to fit inside the mouth. And so it flops around outside all the time.

Now that Science Men have announced they have discovered a way to monkey with genes so that all Wrongness and Weirdness may be evicted from embryos, mileycyrus shall soon be a thing of the past.

And not a moment too soon.


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