Clothes Make The Mutant

I have just been informed, by the Chief Panjandrum of the David Bowie Is The Greatest Of All Gods Marching And Chowder Society (Icepick Division), that Bowie has been proclaimed “the best-dressed person in British history.”

“Bowie had to overcome a king, two queens and a political heavyweight to triumph in our poll, and in doing so has struck a blow for 20th and 21st-century fashions,” editor Rob Attar said. “David Bowie has received many accolades in his glittering career, but surely none of them compare to [this].”

I have several problems with this sin gdesignation.

First, it is the work of but 4000 people who submitted online ballots in a poll conducted by the website arm of BBC History Magazine. This means either that Bowie people somehow got wind of this poll, and quickly flooded it with paeans to the Master, or that BBC History Magazine is congenitally the vortex of a dangerous Bowoid cult, one that should probably be Suppressed.

Second, Bowie is not a “person.” As revealed in the documentary film The Man Who Fell To Earth, he is an alien being who came to this planet in search of water. Instead, he encountered alcohol. In which he proceeded to become permanently immersed.

Third, his name is not “Bowie.” He is in truth David Robert Jones. And, as set forth in the documentary television series Fringe, he has been about, in several universes, trying to crash the whole place to a close. Fortunately, he is, in all and every universe, inevitably ultimately upended by universe-hopping people powered by hallucinogens.

Fourth, neither Jones/Bowie, nor any other male human and/or alien in the entire history of Britain, has ever, at any time, been better dressed, than is Kate Winslet, when she is naked.

Fifth, I recently purchased a small print of Jules Breton’s The Song Of The Lark. I submit that the woman pictured therein should have been awarded the BBC History Magazine appellation. Because she is Real. And so is what she is wearing. Which is probably all the clothes that she owns. She is down in the dirt of it, of human existence, as experienced by 99% of the people ever to populate this planet. And yet she is singing.

It could be objected that the Song Of The Lark woman should be disqualified, because Breton was a French painter. But so what. As is well-known, the French overran Britain in 1066. And therefore everybody there, since, has been, really, French. It’s just that, after near a millennium on that wintry windswept isle, all their teeth went bad, and they forgot how to have good sex.

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11 Responses to “Clothes Make The Mutant”


  1. 1 nancy a October 22, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    You know, this is just begging for some kinda soundtrack : )

    There are the obvious choices, but instead, the Icepick Division would like to offer this :

  2. 6 Rain Jeys November 4, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    David Bowie is clearly a supervillian. In addition to what has been revealed about him in the Fringe documentary, in the animated documentary series “The Venture Brothers” it has been revealed that he is also “The Sovereign” of “The Guild of Calamitous Intent”.

    I like your nomination better.

    • 7 bluenred November 5, 2013 at 9:12 am

      Reagan once said the USSR was “the locus of evil in the modern world.”

      I think it’s Bowie.

      • 8 Rain Jeys December 7, 2013 at 1:36 am

        The “locus of evil” quote is a classic. I need to use it in everyday conversation more often.

        • 9 bluenred December 8, 2013 at 1:38 am

          I have been using it, here and there, for 30-some years. I don’t know what speechwriter came up with this gem, for the Alz-addled Reagan. But it was pure genius. “Locus,” it is so much better, than the expected “focus.” It sort of combines locusts, with a spy camera.

  3. 10 nancy a January 8, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    In compliance with my duties as Chief Panjandrum of the David Bowie Is The Greatest Of All Gods Marching And Chowder Society (Icepick Division), i am here to inform you:

    Today is the Birthday of the Best Dressed Man in the Entire Universe (or, if you must, “the locus of evil in the modern world.”)

    Either way, Party On then : )


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