The First Monday In October

Below find excerpts from NSA intercepts of recent communications involving various justices to the United States Supreme Court.

John Roberts: Yes, David, be assured: the Plan is proceeding apace. We have firmly defined corporations as persons, thanks to Scalia pulling enormous quantities of effluvia out of the vast cavernous reaches of his capacious anal canal. And last term, in the Voting Rights cases, we succeeded in bashing the Negroes and the Brown uber allesOnes off the walls of the Alamo; this term, we are determined to declare definitively that Negroes are, in fact, not persons. Scalia says if “no Negro is a human” was good enough for his hero, Judge Taney, in Dred Scott v. Sandford, it’s good enough for us; and, since we went back to the 19th Century for the “corporations-are-people” decision, there is no reason why we can’t return to that same century for the “Negroes are not people” ruling. As Scalia points out—convincingly—the Founders did not regard The Blacks as human: so why should we? (Nino says Thomas won’t be a problem—he doesn’t consider himself black.) The Negroes-ain’t-persons doctrine will also obviate the birther cases: it won’t matter where Obama was born, once it is determined he is a non-person. He could have been born in Peoria, or even on the grounds of Liberty University; but, if he’s a non-person, he can’t serve. The day is coming, David—believe me—when the White House will be White again. As you know, I have been working for this Negroless day since my days in the Reagan administration. Hewing always to my secret motto: Land o’ cotton uber alles! Soon, David, we shall see again the Real America: the one where White businesses are people, but the Wrong-colored creatures who work for them are not. Next, we shall see about lifting the requirement that such creatures be paid . . . .

Stephen Breyer: Okay. What I need you clerks to do is to find me some cases this term where I can vote so it looks like I’m a liberal. While meanwhile fulfilling, always, my prime directive: fellate business.

Samuel Alito: I am hoping that in one of the 954 cases on the docket this term where we get to sneer at Sandra Day O’Connor and meanwhile march on a road of bones to the complete and total abolition of all abortions in this land, that we can find some “hook,” in which we may rule that the government not only can, but should, install monitoring devices in the reproductive regions of all American women. (Maybe “national security”?) Because, really, the only way to get these animals under control is to track, in real time, what goes in and out of their vaginas. As is well known, the only permitted use of a vagina is to receive a married penis, at the peak time of fertilization, and lizardpersonthen to expel a child, some months after fertilization has occurred. Meanwhile, Nino says he is working on the opinion wherein we shall declare that life begins when a man looks at a woman and decides she should have his baby. I’m excited! When that decision comes down, there are already many babies out there, from me!

Sonia Sotomayer: Elena, I asked Ruth about poisoning Scalia, and she says it just won’t work. She says she’s tried several times, at those dinners they have together, to slip damn great doses of poison into his food, but none of them have ever had any effect. It is her opinion that he actually died many years ago—probably from an aorta blow during one of his many uncontrollable fits—and was then replaced by some sort of manufactured RoboJustice, that is impervious to poison. Also, she says nothing really can be done about Clarence telling you, during conference, to “get me some more coffee, bitch”; according to her, “that’s just his way.”

Anthony Kennedy: Roberts was being an ass again, swaggering in here to smirk: “Look, Tony, in this job you can’t just be about pleasing the homos. You got to do that last term; this term you need to take the heat of the health-care cases, re-rigging the thing so it continues to serve our corporate friends, which the knuckledraggers in the stupid tea-hats are just too dumb to get.” I asked him if I could at least write the opinion striking down the contraception-coverage requirement, but he said he’d promised Sam and Scalia that this term they could exercise total control over all cases involving “the holes.”

Elena Kagan: Looks like I may get the decision where we decide that the Fourth Amendment permits cops to seize, without a warrant, people’s cellphones, and roar through all the contents. The ghost of William O. Douglas came around to start screaming at me again last night: see about doubling down on my downer prescriptions.

Clarence Thomas: The porn the clerks got for me last term was for shit. I need good hard continuous action this year; how the hell else am I going to stay awake in this damn job? Also, thank “The Cleaner” for stuffing in the Jimmy Hoffa landfill that Post reporter who was planning to break the story that the reason why I never ask questions during oral argument is because of the earbuds implanted in both my earholes, broadcasting non-stop dirty talk from Vicki, Vixen, and Juggs. Oh—and find out if that reporter, before he disappeared, told anybody in his family about me. If so, The Cleaner says there’s room for them in the landfill.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Just waiting to find out what part of my body will need to be removed and/or replaced this term. Meanwhile, watched the last episode of the lordthat Breaking Bad show. Regarded wistfully the part where the machine-gun mounted in the car cut down all the bad boys. Oh well. A girl can dream . . . .

Antonin Scalia: I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. And I, the Lord, said unto Roberts, Come up to me into the mount, and be there: and I will give thee tables of stone, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that thou mayest teach them.

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