Sometimes, when one encounters a headline, it is best to just ruminate upon it, for a time, before clicking through.
Such was True, yesterday, when I came across the headline “New Freedom Woman Urinates On Neighbor’s Couch.”
This, to me—it was nothing but fascinating.
What, I wondered, is a “New Freedom Woman?”
Is she, perhaps, part of some new movement, in which urinating on the couches of neighbors is considered a “new freedom”?
Then, when I clicked on the thing, I in the first paragraphs discovered that “New Freedom” is the name of a town in Pennsylvania.
In re the power of naming, I nodded: yes, of course, one would have to expect, that a town named “New Freedom,” would feature such events as neighbors showing up to urinate on your couch.
But then I got deeper into the thing, and realized it was all just another Stupid Drink Trick.
An intoxicated woman urinated on a New Freedom man’s couch Saturday night as he was waiting for police to arrive and remove her from his home, charging documents state.
Kimberly Ann Crosier-Crowley, 55, of the first block of John Randolph Drive, New Freedom, faces charges of trespass, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and loitering and prowling at night, documents state.
Southern Regional Police said that at 11:25 p.m., Jon Pizzurro, who lives nearby Crosier-Crowley on John Randolph Drive, called them to say she was intoxicated and would not leave his home.
“While waiting for police to arrive, the woman [Crosier-Crowley] then urinated on his couch in his living room,” documents state.
When police arrived, Crosier-Crowley ran away. Police caught up to a stumbling, pants-less Crosier-Crowley and asked her how much she had had to drink, to which she answered, “nothing,” documents state.
As officers tried to handcuff her, she resisted, and said she wanted to go home. When they asked her name, she said, “I think my name is Kim Crowley,” documents state.
Officers said they could smell a strong odor of alcohol coming from Crosier-Crowley, documents state.
Police then talked with Crosier-Crowley’s husband, Jeff Crowley, who said his wife had been drinking alcohol inside their home and then walked outside.
Jeff Crowley let police inside their home, where they could see “many opened containers of beer throughout the kitchen,” documents state.
Police asked him if his wife had any medical conditions.
“He stated that she was just an alcoholic,” documents state.
Here in criminal-law world, about 85% of the cases that come our way are, in one form or another, some sort of Stupid Drunk Trick.
There exists also the legion of Stupid Drunk Tricks that I have engaged in, in my own life.
See? Sometimes it’s best, to just rest in the headline.
With the wanton, willing, fiery and fierce New Freedom Women. Spraying urine across the couches of the land. As some sort of Statement.