In Which We Regard Two Proofs That Thought Is Alien To The Male Brain

Previously here on red we referenced the work of my colleague—a Science Man who is a woman—that determined that there are striking differences in the brains of male homo sapiens, as compared to those of females.

Here is some of what we then reported:

Women, their brains contain many folds, storing a dazzling array of information: from how to clean lampshades, to the male brainways and means of compacting more matter than exists in the entire universe into one small purse.

Men, however, their brains contain but two folds: one for sports, and one for pornography.

Building on her ground-breaking work, I have now determined that it is probable that in neither of these folds is present what is commonly considered as “thought.” It seems likely that male human beings do not “think,” at all.

I have obtained two proofs: one from the sports fold, and one from the porn fold. These proofs are presented past the “furthur.”

Our first proof concerns the sports fold.

To arrive at this proof, we must examine the arcane world of baseball.

In the sport of baseball, the player “batting”—or attempting to hit a hurled small white hard ball with a long thin firm wooden stick—is supposed to stand in what is known as “the batter’s box.” Which is a defined rectangular area next to “the plate.” Said “plate” a small flat five-sided hunk of rubber set into the ground.

But at times, to get more of an advantage, the batter will not remain wholly in “the batter’s box,” but will instead “crowd the plate.” This means he will sometimes actually lean right over it. This makes the pitcher—the person who hurls the ball—cross. Because to get a “strike,” the pitcher has to throw the ball over the plate. And it’s hard to do that when the batter is standing over it. And if a pitcher cannot get “strikes,” he is eventually drummed out of the game, and has to go work at WalMart.

In baseball, the pitcher believes the plate is “his.” As the batter believes the plate is “his.”

It’s a man thing. Like war, or publicly scratching your genitals, or failing to put the toilet-seat down.

Anyway. Some batters make a career out of “crowding the plate” . . . so that they frequently get hit by the ball thrown by the pitcher. Because the batter is standing where the ball needs to go to be a “strike.” When that happens—the batter getting hit by the baseball—he gets to go to first base. In baseball, for the batter, this is considered Good. (In the porn fold of the male brain, meanwhile, “getting to first base” is also considered Good, as it means getting to kiss on the lips a female.)

The current champion of this crowd-the-plate hit-me maneuver is a guy named Carlos Quentin. Over his career, he has been hit something like a hundred thousand times. This is far from Normal.

Sometimes a pitcher will intentionally throw at a batter—attempting to hit him with the baseball—but that is increasingly rare. For truly obscure baseball reasons which I will not bore you with in explaining, a me mad manpitcher would never intentionally throw at a batter in a 2-1 game, in the sixth inning, on a 3-2 count, with no outs.

But the other night, in just that situation, a pitcher, Zach Greinke, hit with the baseball this Carlos Quentin person, who was crowding the plate, in the arm.

Quentin, a former football linebacker, dropped his bat and “rushed the mound.” This means he ran across the field to commit what would otherwise be, if not occurring in baseball, a felonious criminal assault. Greinke, a comparatively spindly little thing, turned his non-pitching-arm shoulder towards the rampaging Quentin, who ran into it full force, breaking Greinke’s collarbone. Greinke will not be able to play baseball for at least two months. He is also in pain. He may also emerge kinda hunched up there to one side, like Quasimodo. Who knows?

After the game, and the bone-breaking crazed felonious assault, Quentin, asked what he was thinking, in running out there like a mad bull, said: “It’s a man’s game on the field. Thoughts aren’t present when things like this happen.”

So. There you have it. A naked admission that when a man is being a man, there in the sports fold, he is not thinking.


The second proof concerns the porn fold.

To regard it, we must, alas, return to those nauseating days when all the news was dominated by deafening giggling, face-palming, and righteous Puritan-thundering, because it had been inadvertently discovered that Anthony Weiner, arrogant ass (“arrogant ass” here a synonym for “white male living and/or working in New York City”), felt a powerful need to twit pictures of his penis to various and sundry wimmins throughout the nation.

Weiner first Lied that the incessantly twitted penis was not part of his corporeal container. It was, he vowed, the property of some other male human. This didn’t much work. But for a short while it did compel various confederates to loudly and loyally maintain that the twitted penis must indeed belong to some other mother’s son . . . because Anthony said so.

These confederates included his wife.

Eventually Weiner was induced by Actual Reality to admit to said looky here what i gotwife that the twitted penis, which had some time before planted a still-growing child in her womb, was, in fact, attached to his brainless body.

Shortly thereafter, Weiner resigned his seat in Congress, and seemingly abandoned his plans to run for mayor of New York.

But now, Weiner is back. In the course of a long and chundering piece in the New York Times, in which Weiner and his wife review their twitted tsuris, and Prepare the People for Weiner’s imminent announcement that he must, indeed, become mayor, Weiner is of course asked what possessed him to propel his penis across the land. To which he replies:

“It didn’t seem to occupy a real space in my feelings. I think it would be pretty surprising to a lot of people: What was he thinking?” He scrunched up his face and shoulders. “I wasn’t really thinking.”

So. There you have it. A naked admission that when a man is being a man, there in the porn fold, he is not thinking.


To sum up. As my colleague has demonstrated, the male brain contains but two folds, the sports fold and the porn fold.

Here, the confessions of Quentin, in re the sports fold, and Weiner, in re the porn fold, indicate that when said folds are engaged, they are devoid of thought. To wit, “thoughts aren’t present when things like this happen” (Quentin, sports fold); “I wasn’t really thinking” (Weiner, porn fold).

Therefore, since in the male brain there are but the two folds—one for sports, and one for porn—and since in neither of these folds is thinking present, we must conclude that the male brain contains no thoughts at all.

Something may be in there.

Just not thoughts.

Case closed.

20 Responses to “In Which We Regard Two Proofs That Thought Is Alien To The Male Brain”

  1. 1 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    I don’t clean lampshades. I don’t clean a lot of things. I carry a small zippered pouch in which reside my wallet, a pocket knife, a miniature six foot tape measure, a set of Allen wrenches because sometimes one of my bike pedals comes loose, a safety pin, a ball point pen, and a small amount of change. Now that I think of it, I should add a piece of twine. And maybe a few marbles. Perhaps a small snake?

    The wallet contains a debit card, a state photo ID, a medical insurance card, a thing I give the cashier at the grocery store to swipe that gives a few percentage of my purchases to the New Mexico Wilderness Alliance, and a small variety of coupons, though I don’t buy many Coupon Things.

    When I go shopping or otherwise out on errands, I also bring several different sizes of cloth bags and several bunji cords.

    I have absolutely no interest in porn or spectator sports.

    So I guess either I’m neuter, or Not From Here.

    • 2 bluenred April 20, 2013 at 5:39 pm

      The contents of your pouch and your wallet and your etc. reveal you to be definitively female.

      No male would carry about what you have in your pouch—to wit, tape measure, wrenches—unless he were engaged for money in something like the construction trade.

      And no male under any circumstances in the history of the species has ever carried about a safety pin.

      Wait: I take that back. Louisiana Republican Senator David Vitter may have, because his porn-fold involves enjoying being fondled by prostitutes while he is clad in a diaper, and maybe he likes to fasten the thing with a pin.

      The foresight required to enter into the world of shopping with cloth bags and/or bunji cords is something that can neither be conceived nor contained with the sports or the porn fold.

      Neither can any male, oscillating between the sports and the porn fold, appreciate the advantages of the coupons and discount cards you mention. These are to them akin to the apes scratching their heads at the monolith.

      • 3 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 6:03 pm

        The classic (sexist) gender divide thought is that women carry stuff like make-up in purses. I don’t know what else they carry. Make-up is about acting. I’m not a very good actor.

        And men carry toolboxes in cars in case the car breaks. And pocket knives in their pockets. I carry mine in the pouch because it’s easier to have everything together all in one place and bicycles don’t have trunks.

        The tape measure is for unexpected used clothing opportunities such as yard sales.

        The safety pin is for wardrobe malfunctions.

        My observation, locally, about remembering to bring cloth shopping bags is that women try to do this but often fail. Men do not try, or discuss, cloth shopping bags.

        Nobody rides bicycles except me, guys who got busted DUI, and three other guys. Bunji cords are indispensable not just for shopping with a freight bike, but for trashpicking.

        And it’s a donation card, not a discount card.

        I therefore come to the conclusion that we are both correct. I am both female and not from here. My origin is somewhere with much more advanced females. I can go with that.

        • 4 bluenred April 20, 2013 at 6:35 pm

          Most men do not carry toolboxes in their cars. The only men who carry toolboxes are those who get money for doing so.

          Guys ride bicycles only to ride faster than other guys. And also their wimmins. A couple times a week I see guys riding by the Manor faster than their left-behind wimmins. If I had been Born Normal, I would blast these men off their bikes with my concealed-carry shotguns.

          • 5 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 7:43 pm

            Really? Normal Mens can blast other Mens away with multiple concealed-carry shotguns?

            The mind boggles. First, where does one conceal a shotgun? Sure, the first one could go down your pants, but as for the second…well, I guess you could wear a really big hat.

            The logistics of double-barreled shotgunning are even more difficult to comprehend. Do you switch back and forth rapidly? Are teeth involved? Perhaps toes?

  2. 6 Alexa April 20, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    men are (as i understand it) much more affected by visual stimuli than women. it’s just the way you all iz wired. and wimmen (i hope) understand that, ‘cuz it requires a different way to communicate any urgent or time-sensitive info, imhbto.

    • 7 bluenred April 20, 2013 at 6:32 pm

      Yes. Men can see a porn. And they can see a sport. They just can’t think. ; )

      • 8 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 6:55 pm

        I have a male friend who is a highly accomplished thinker. Unfortunately what he likes to do with his thinking is challenge everything, argue about everything. He is Scientific, which is in its own way perfectly charming, but the arguing can get kind of intrusive.

        Also I’ve never gotten the sense that he’s into porn or sports. He’s into doing calculus in his head. Fortunately he’s a great lover of non-humans of all sorts. Possibly because they don’t do debate, and thus represent a kind of time off from all of this relentless Thinking.

      • 9 Alexa April 20, 2013 at 7:48 pm

        where does my little redhaired friend fit into that picture, and where do you fit in, mi honeybee?

    • 15 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 6:42 pm

      Perhaps in a statistical sense, but not across the board. I have known some amazingly visual women. One of my nieces is a classic example. She can watch someone do something and bang, imitate it immediately.

      A classic example of this was when she was introduced to my stepfather’s helicopter simulation. Ed is a recreational helicopter pilot and computer wonk-engineer, among many other things, and he had this setup involving three computers and three monitors, that created a visual simulation of the local landscape. This was, I believe, all done with written code, no photographed images. Really amazing.

      Anyway, I was out visiting them in 2006, when Toni would have been ten or eleven, and she learned to fly the helicopter simulation without crashing the helicopter within a matter of hours. Ed and my mother agreed that they should probably not mention this to one of Ed’s helicopter-flying friends, an actual pilot, who had yet to master this feat.

      Spacial-visual-depth perception intelligence just has no downsides. But it’s certainly likely that women are culturally conditioned to focus on being more organizational than visual. This is why we make better managers. We are also encouraged to listen more, ditto.

      And women who are more visual may get more isolated in some senses.

      But we may not be talking about the same thing, I realize that. Being more visual and reacting more strongly to visual stimuli aren’t the same thing.

      • 16 Alexa April 20, 2013 at 8:01 pm

        that is very interesting, Miep . . . i think it’s somewhat limiting to restrict being visual or visual stimuli to men only.

        the study i read long ago was one of those Venus/Mars kinda overgeneralizations, i.e. women are more emotional, and more responsive to words, said or written, which of course isn’t true of all women, and your niece is one brave chica.

        that sounds very fun, by the way. something i would have enjoyed to the max. 😉

        my nephew, the only redhaired Avila as far as i know, has AS and lives with me. he’s very young but i think he is brilliant.

        • 17 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 8:24 pm

          Autism spectrum qualities are common in my family, though Toni is quite socially adept, and I see her as something rather different.

          I don’t really know what to do with people who aren’t socially withdrawn in some ways. It’s just too overwhelming being around them very much, they expect what I don’t have to offer.

          Men and women are definitely biologically different overall, and the debate as to how, is still raging. It’s beyond difficult to evaluate the effects of a culture one is sunk into the middle of. It’s much more interesting to read communications from truly different, older cultures, which pretty much tend to run “You people are really sick.”

          I’ve often thought it would be neat if a few of my favorite blogger friends could meet a few of my favorite non-blogger people, whom I know away from keyboard.

          Just watching you all bounce off each other would be such a trip.

          I filter for people in pretty much the same ways, offline and online. I know who my karass are.

          And yes, you would likely love Ed. My mother describes him as being impossible to work with unless one has exactly the same skill sets. I see him as being intensely project-oriented, brilliant, obsessive in his own way. Of course Mom appreciates him no end, they have been together since the eighties, until death do them part.

          He has the whole place wired up six ways from Sunday, with regards to electronics. Mom once told me that if he was gone, she would not be able to know how to get any of it to work.

  3. 18 mieprowan April 20, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Oh, and one more thing. Assuming the lampshade is just dusty and not stained, I’d try using the brush attachment to the shop-vac.

    I’ve also heard it said that putting a sock over the end of the tube works for some kinds of fabric cleaning, but you have to have a relatively loose-woven sock. I’ll also note that the shop-vac people make it quite difficult to buy the brush attachment alone.

    I knew a fellow once who lived in a house with a wooden floor, and presumably no carpets. His partner once told me that when he was living alone, before I made their acquaintance, that when he wanted to clean the floors, he’d bring in the hose. I presume this was an annual summertime ritual, the Hosing of the Floors.

    This is sort of like guys who clean their cast iron cookware by dropping it into the bonfire.

    Efficient in their own ways, such moves. There are things wimmin can learn from Guys.

  4. 19 jumar63 April 27, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    I must admit I carry a multi-tool, various colored Sharpies, a lighter, first aid kit, flashlight, as well as my wallet in my bag at all times. Be prepared! Isn’t that the Boy Scout motto?

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When I Worked

April 2013

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