Anthropologists have completed their count of the Cro-Magnons in the United States Senate.
There are 60.
“Last week the vote on whether to even proceed with S.649 revealed that there are a confirmed 31 Cro-Magnons in the United States Senate,” Dr. E. Pluribus Unum of the American Anthropological Association announced late Wednesday.
“It was expected that votes this week on certain amendments to the bill would smoke out additional Cro-Magnons,” Unum explained. “And indeed, this has now occurred.”
The 60 Senate Cro-Magnons have been definitively identified as Lamar Alexander, Kelly Ayotte, John Barasso, Max Baucus, Mark Begich, Micahel Bennet, Roy Blunt, John Boozman, Richard Burr, Saxby Chambliss, Dan Coats, Tom Coburn, Thad Cochran, Susan Collins, Bob Corker, John Cornyn, Mike Crapo, Ted Cruz, Joe Donnelly, Mike Enzi, Debra Fischer, Jeff Flake, Lindsey Graham, Chuck Grassley, Kay Hagan, Orin Hatch, Martin Heinrich, Heidi Heitkamp, Dean Heller, John Hoeven, James Inhofe, Johnny Isakson, Mike Johanns, Tim Johnson, Roy Johnson, Angus King, Mary Landrieu, Mike Lee, Joe Manchin, John McCain, Mitch McConnell, Jerry Moran, Lisa Murkowski, Rand Paul, Rob Portman, Mark Pryor, James Risch, Pat Roberts, Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, Jeff Sessions, Richard Shelby, Jon Tester, John Thune, Pat Toomey, Mark Udall, Tom Udall, David Vitter, Mark Warner, and Roger Wicker.
These beings were positively confirmed as Cro-Magnons because they voted not to limit the magazine capacity in killing machines; not to outlaw certain military-style killing machines; to permit living-in-fear de-evolvies to conceal-carry their killing machines nationwide, according to the law of whatever Cro-Magnon state they commonly snuffle and knuckle-drag about in, even when they go hooting and stumbling into states where the people have evolved beyond such fear-encrusted nonsense; or not to expand background checks for purchasers of killing machines at (1) gun shows, where a certain form of being goes to buy death weapons, and meanwhile fondle collections of swastika belt-buckles, and (2) on the intertubes, where folks can, in the privacy of their own hovels, order themselves a passel of pistols while frantically masturbating like a monkey.
Most of the Cro-Magnons took the Cro-Magnon position on most or all of these measures.
According to Unum, these votes establish, “with 100 percent scientific certainty,” that “these senators are Cro-Magnons.”
“Only an ur-human could cast such votes,” he explained.
Unum pointed out that the United States Senate has traditionally been dominated by Cro-Magnons.
“These people of the senate, you’ll recall, are the nimrods who couldn’t even vote to abolish human slavery without a massive war,” he said. “Later, it took them decades to recognize the right of women to vote, to approve civil rights legislation, to end the Vietnam War. Etc. Etc.
“They never did get around to approving federal legislation prohibiting the mutilation and killing of black people,” Unum went on. “In fact, the Cro-Magnon president Franklin Roosevelt deliberately refused to pressure the senate to do so, because he wanted approval of his New Deal For White Men.
“As he whined, in his patrician Cro-Magnon way: ‘The southerners by reason of the seniority rule in Congress are chairmen or occupy strategic places on most of the senate and House committees. If I come out for the antilynching bill now, they will block every bill I ask Congress to pass.’
“The Cro-Magnon Roosevelt also heaved Japanese-Americans into concentration camps, and stuck his thumb up his buttcrack, massaging his prostate, while the Jews of Europe died one by one.
“Yet this Cro-Magnon receives fevered hosannas from white folk to this day. Because he threw some crumbs to some white men.
“So it goes.”
Unum noted that, in their time, Cro-Magnons have generally been regarded by the citizenry as just regular fellows.
“Traditionally,” he observed, “it has only been with the passage of time that it became clear that those who, say, could not oppose slavery or lynching, or support women’s right to vote or civil rights, were Cro-Magnons.
“But,” he added, “with advancements in science, we can now pinpoint Cro-Magnons contemporaneously. Thus, the positive identification of these 60 ur-humans currently bumbling about, in their dim-bulb way, in the halls of the senate.”
“All the guns are gone,” he said. “Already happened. It’s simply a matter of waiting for time to catch up.”