Senate Cro-Magnons Identified

Thirty-one members of the United States Senate have been definitively identified as Cro-Magnons.

These would be John Barasso, Mark Begich, Roy Blunt, John Boozman, your u.s. senatorDan Coats, Thad Cochran, John Cornyn, Mike Crapo, Ted Cruz, Mike Enzi, Debra Fischer, Chuck Grassley, Orin Hatch, James Inhofe, Mike Johanns, Roy Johnson, Mike Lee, Mitch McConnell, Jerry Moran, Lisa Murkowski, Rand Paul, Rob Portman, Mark Pryor, James Risch, Pat Roberts, Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, Jeff Sessions, Richard Shelby, John Thune, and David Vitter.

“It has long been suspected that the Senate contains a high concentration of Cro-Magnons,” announced Dr. E. Pluribus Unum of the American Anthropological Association late Thursday. “But today’s vote on whether to proceed with S.649 at last provides clear evidence that nearly a third of all United States senators are indeed full-blooded Cro-Magnons.

“This,” Unum explained, “is because only an ur-human could vote to prevent even debating very modest proposals to control the nation’s killing machines.”

Dr. Unum expects that in the coming days, further votes on S.649 will smoke out additional Cro-Magnons.

“Those who cast votes against background checks, clip-capacity restrictions, and assault killing machines will demonstrate that they too are Cro-Magnons,” Dr. Unum explained.

Dr. Unum noted that if Slartibartfast’s simple seven-word amendment—“all the guns are going to go”—reaches the Senate floor, it is possible that “the entire Senate shall be revealed as a nest of Cro-Magnons.”

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