Oh Deer

As a certified Science Man, I am embarked on a Study of the welfare recipients—also known as deer—who frequent the Manor.

Soon I will publish a Paper. Its working title is “Some Things About Deer That They Did Not deer headShow You In Bambi.

With this Paper, I should receive many Grants. Also, a Chair.

Preliminary findings include:

—When you are a deer, and you sneeze, you must then quickly run your tongue in and out of your nostrils, many times.

—When they poop, deer just lift their tails and let the pellets plop out. They do this wherever they happen to be, whatever they happen to be about. They do not have toilets.

—When they pee, they kind of splay their back feet, and then hunch forward. This is not a flattering look.

—Sometimes they will poop while they eat.

—They do not pee while they eat.

—They are more graceful running, than walking. They’re actually sort of ungainly, when they walk. But not when they run. This makes sense, as running is probably most important to them, considering who they are, and who they have to get away from.

—They have Picasso heads. It is a little-known Fact that Pablo Picasso managed to pull himself out of women long enough to spend some time closely observing deer, just before he went cubist.

—When you are a woman deer, you go out and get pregnant in the fall. Then you can go 25% body fat for the winter, insulating you from the elements.

—Deer have a special winter coat where the hairs are hollow. This means that their body heat stays in their body, rather than escaping. This is why you will see deer wandering around with snow on their backs and heads, and the snow doesn’t melt. Because there is no heat on the fur. It is all in Not Carethe deer body.

—They slow their metabolism in the winter. They, like, play at 16 rpm, rather than 33 rpm. Thus, they actually eat less in the winter, than at other times. They are sort of walking hibernators.

—Their feet, which look like women’s black high-heeled shoes, are these hoove things that have no feeling at all, really. So they can stand in snow all winter and Not Care.

—The strange insulating fur means they can also lay in the snow, and Not Care.

—When it rains, they shake off water like a dog. However, unlike a dog, when you are a deer, you are not compelled to hump everything that does or does not move, greedily eat poop, roll in dead things, or loudly lick and suck your own genitals for hours on end.


21 Responses to “Oh Deer”

  1. 1 possum April 3, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Anyone with enough free time to make all these observations has far too much free time. 🙂

  2. 3 possum April 4, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Study hard, Science Man. It is good to study.

  3. 15 sally April 9, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    OH, I am emailing this deer study to a number of people. It is superb. I love deer, but I did not know how little about them I knew. Were I in charge, I would give you grants to study the deer and the marsupial possum and the cat and the ant and all manner of the many good things of this earth. And, bluenred, you are most correct to tell Possum the journey to THIS planet is the most important. Meanwhile, I have giant Big Dog, Romeo, with me for two weeks. I am no Science Woman, but you inspire me to try to study him as he drags me several blocks for a walk, and I will record his snores as he takes up more than half my bed at night. Ps. I can not help it that I always appear to be in awe of your writings. It’s because I am! Namaste. xoxox

    • 16 bluenred April 10, 2013 at 6:42 am

      The Study of animals is Important. I believe there should be Science Grants to assist all those who would engage in this endeavor. So long as they don’t do anything Bad to the animals.

  4. 17 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) May 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Well, we do need to be studying this walking hibernation thing. It could have all kinds of benefits. We don’t really understand hibernation in general. So you should absolutely be given money for a Study.

  5. 20 sally May 16, 2013 at 8:41 am

    So the other day I heard shouting and stepped out through the slider into the back forty (40 yards? maybe) and behold, a small brown and black bunny with great long ears hopped toward me as a neighbor’s voice asked if she might come and retrieve said creature. The bunny danced –yes, danced in and out and all about my feet. It made me joyous — and that’s how I met Rowling. He came again the next day, but then they installed chicken wire over the fence holes. Meanwhile, I worry about the crazed baby squirrels dining on my bird feeders, who refuse to see me as a predator and refuse to notice there are real predators in the garden. It takes heavy window raps and yelling to force them to the trees when danger lurks — and then they shout all manner of nasty things at me from their perch. Still, your bit on the the DEER makes me miss not having them wandering in my space as they were wont to do long ago in the Berkeley hills. Much more than deer, I have missed Julia Rain. It is very good to see her in this space again. And I have never seen the Atlantic Ocean. What bothers me about that is I have watched many, many sunsets on the Pacific — what must it be like to see the sun rise over an ocean? xoxox

    • 21 bluenred May 16, 2013 at 8:09 pm

      The sun has no business rising out of the ocean, there in the Atlantic. As we know, the sun properly sets in the ocean. They get everything all bollixed up, there on the east coast.

      Is there no parental supervision for these baby squirrels? Perhaps CPS should be notified. : /

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When I Worked

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