Hold The Mayo

There are many things wrong with the British. Probably an entire blog could be dedicated to the subject. Probably one is. I’m just too lazy to look it up.

Start with the food. What the British eat, this is not considered by normal humans to be edible. British cuisine primarily involves noblood, and boiling. If you present a food item to a Britisher, s/he will first try to squeeze blood out of it. Then s/he will toss it into a pot of boiling water.

The situation is so dire that when foodman Mark Bittman compiled The Best Recipes in the World, which contains thousands of entries, gathered up hither and yon, from sea to shining sea, not one was sourced to England.

The British do not comprehend that they eat worse than a snuffling junkyard dog. Else they would not have permitted publication of this survey, which confirms that their favorite condiment is mayonnaise.

Now, mayonnaise is not a condiment. It is not edible. It is not a food. It is an invasive alien species. To create mayonnaise requires but a single egg, and then however much vegetable oil one chooses to employ. It is possible to keep adding oil, adding oil, adding oil, until the entire planet is slathered with the stuff. This is, in fact, mayonnaise’s Plan. It is like Ice-Nine. It would render the earth uninhabitable.

There is so much fat in mayonnaise that the medical literature is chock-a-block with horrific reports of people whose aortas burst, merely from pulling a jar of the stuff from the refrigerator.

There is a reason why the best-selling brand of mayonnaise is called Hellmann’s. Because mayonnaise is literally from Hell.

The British actually produce a pretty decent condiment. Coleman’s mustard. Nice and hot. But Coleman’s finished fourth, among the British themselves.

Finishing third was something called HP Brown Sauce. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what that is. And I for sure don’t want to know what is Daddies Brown Sauce. Which finished sixth.

Not a single Britisher identified salsa as a favorite condiment.

Which is why the British are Doomed.


65 Responses to “Hold The Mayo”

  1. 1 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 9:23 am

    All this and no mention of Marmite. Marmite is a British product made of yeast extract, likely because the British climate does not support an adequate supply of pond scum, and because they are cheap to make real condiments so they just use beer waste.

    Marmite is so despised in some circles that it inspired the Marmite Is Terrible club, which has produced a number of videos I have not deigned to watch.

  2. 8 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Also, you are absolutely correct about salsa. And mustard.

    I am thinking about Food this evening most especially, because my seed potatoes were delivered today. It is likely that many would think me Not Well for even thinking it possible to grow potatoes here, but being most used to being thought Not Well, I’ll hardly let that get in the way.

    I’m going to try for new potatoes, and plant in large containers. This will not likely be a long experiment, lasting only until the May Heat-death. But fresh new potatoes are nice, and they don’t stay fresh for long.

    I’m increasingly becoming a gardening snob as I age. Why bother to try to grow anything that can be obtained commercially with still a modicum of flavor?

    Of course, by that standard, I should devote the rest of my life to planting fruit trees, but they don’t fit in five gallon buckets.

    The other challenge is tomatoes. You’d think that would be easy here, what with tomatoes originally being native to Mexico. I have tried growing such tomatoes here, wrinkled blackish heirlooms of overall alarming appearance but exquisite taste, but the problem seems to be that I’m too far north. Nearer the equator things equalize more, and it freezes later, and tomatoes are particular about temperatures.

    I often wonder how anybody manages to grow food at all, it seems so hit and miss. This would explain we have become so dependent upon such foodstocks as Soybeans, which are likely related to Kudzu, and Corn, which is a kind of Grass. We should not be eating Grass, we cannot digest cellulose. We should be Hunting and Gathering, and not soybeans either. Have you ever tasted plain cooked soybeans? Sane humans don’t eat those sorts of things. We gather Pomegranates and Figs, and hunt the wild Boar. Let somebody else eat the soybeans. With mayonnaise, if that’s how they want it.

  3. 11 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Your Deviant Daughter awarded me a Llama badge, blueness.

    I don’t know what to say. I am quite moved.

    It’s not often that anyone awards me Badges. Let alone Llamas.

    I am a bit too overwhelmed to speak much further.

    I don’t know what I really ever expected from other humans. Kindness? Courtesy? Respecting Boudaries A Little Better?

    Yeh, sure. We start with the small stuff.

    But a Llama badge?

    This changes everything.


    That’s my Mom with a local Llama

    • 12 bluenred March 15, 2013 at 8:05 am

      I’m glad she gave you a badge. She’s a nice lady.

    • 13 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 16, 2013 at 9:09 pm

      I’m happy you like the llama badge. They’re just something deviants can gift to each other, but once. It was my welcome gift to you. 🙂

      • 14 Miep O'Brien March 16, 2013 at 9:15 pm

        That’s a nice option to have available on a blog, Julia.

        I am reminded of some correspondence I engaged in with my mother awhile back, wherein we were discussing chatting people up in supermarket lines, including strangers. She wrote that she likes to do this and tries to make a point of complimenting them in some manner, which she notes tends to amaze them, because we live in a culture where nobody ever expects anyone to say anything nice to them, especially strangers.

        It seems to me a fail of Habit, because we are creatures of habit, and we could just as easily decide to get in the habit of complimenting strangers, as we could being afraid of them.

        • 15 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 6:12 pm

          The llamas are nice. 🙂

          I tend to get very strange looks when I compliment strangers, but I do it anyway. Usually I’ll make a comment about an interesting piece of jewelry or clothing, but once the person is no longer startled, they’re usually appreciative.

          There is this cool guy who shows up to the local festivals around here and shows off his extensive collection of snakes, lizards, turtles, spiders, scorpions, Madagascar hissing cockroaches (which are actually surprisingly affectionate – they’ll cuddle against your hand), and such, to show children that snakes and spiders are not Scary. Anyway, we tend to spend a while talking to him while I pet all of his animals, and he mentioned that when people have particularly well-behaved kids, we points this out and compliments the parents. Who then tend to look kind of Worried, at this grizzled old guy with a huge beard and flyaway hair paying attention to their children. He doesn’t care. 🙂

          • 16 bluenred March 17, 2013 at 6:20 pm

            A “grizzled old guy with a huge beard and flyaway hair” : you mean my brother is out there? ; 0

          • 20 Miep O'Brien March 17, 2013 at 8:13 pm

            I used to do that, only just with arachnids and hissers. I always wished they had hissers that were about ten inches long. They could sit on your shoulder, it would be awesome.

            I am not acquainted with Bob, though I feel I ought to be. Yes, kids are usually the best people to talk to at exotic pet shows, especially when you’re doing arachnids. The adults are mostly about “which ones can kill you?” and “which ones can jump?” Yawn.

            • 21 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 8:45 pm

              Bob has a whole colony of hissing cockroaches. I want one to sit on my shoulder, too.

              I’ve witnessed Bob convert many adults who were frightened of spiders, myself included. He doesn’t have a lot of time for people who just want to know which ones are dangerous.

              He’s a great guy to know.

              • 22 Miep O'Brien March 17, 2013 at 9:14 pm

                I helped run the American Tarantula Society from 1996 to 2001, and that was a lot of what we were about. It helps to learn your local spiders, starting with the few that have venom dangerous to humans. We also did a lot of stuff about breeding and handling tarantulas. It was a fascinating gig in a lot of ways. People who work to help people with these phobias are terrific, it takes a lot of patience.

                If all the spiders died tomorrow, the ecosystem would collapse shortly afterwards. If all the humans in Western Civ did, things would start improving for everyone else immediately.

                • 23 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 11:25 pm

                  The house I grew up in had a colony of black widow spiders living under it. Big ones. I did get bitten once and had to go to the ER (though Bob says it might have really been a widow bite – that’s what they diagnosed, but they weren’t sure), so as phobias go, mine wasn’t all that out there I suppose. I’m glad to have gotten over it though. Spiders are really very beautiful. I never ever hurt bugs or allow them to be hurt. I always make sure they get to go live outside. I proudly brag about the time a moth laid eggs on my hand, even though most people find that story creepy. I felt honored, even though I had to move them.

                  Really? I know how interconnected species are, but wow. I’m already so worried about the poor bees.

                  • 24 Miep O'Brien March 17, 2013 at 11:56 pm

                    Widow spiders are easily detected by their webs with the strong silk. They generally stay put unless they are starved out. Bites are not usually fatal. The symptoms include bad abdominal cramps.

                    Generally spider people are suspicious about claims about spider bites when there is not a spider body in the vicinity. Spider bites with humans are reflexive, they are not trying to drink your blood (you already know this, I always write to the lurkers).

                    I’m really happy to hear you are so open-minded about Bugz. I would love to hear about the moth laying eggs on your hand, that’s just extraordinary! Like calling birds down from the trees to sit on your arm.

                    Spiders occupy a unique predatory niche, in which they keep populations of small herbivorous insects from blooming excessively. No other predatory critters are small enough to do the job. There are tons of everybody down at that level. Somewhere in the middle, think about what mosquitoes and house flies would do if there were no spiders.

                    European honey bees are in a lot of trouble here. Still, there are native pollinators here as well. But overall the environmental stresses industrialized nations engender are whacking non-humans no end.

                    I don’t know what kind of advice to give people anymore, other than try to plant something. Your father is also sensible with his across-the-board fix on No More War. Blueness is really quite sophisticated with his approach there. Yes, he’s harsh sometimes, comes off as over the top, but he’s always worth reading. He reminds me of Ted Rall. Never giving an inch.

                    • 25 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) April 18, 2013 at 10:38 pm

                      My symptom was a huge swollen spot on my foot and a red line crawling up my leg – the doctors called it a “poison line” and said if it got to my heart it would be very Bad.

                      Well, I was at a Memorial Day BBQ hanging out outside and around dusk there were all of these moths flying around the light and I was watching them and all of a sudden this rather large one lands on my hand. I let her stay there of course. She was very pretty – soft white fuzzy wings. She started doing this odd flapping motion and I was worried at first but then she laid this green egg on my finger! I was worried it would fall off but it was actually stuck pretty good. She repeated this until she had laid four eggs, and then she just flew off. Meanwhile I was really excited and kept proclaiming (quietly) that everyone simply HAD to see this! Most people thought it was icky but my husband watched and seemed rather fascinated too. But he was worried because they couldn’t stay on my hand – if I wasn’t disabled I probably would have tried to just incubate them on my finger somehow, but that was’t really possible. So we very carefully transferred the eggs onto a leaf and hid it somewhere safe. I took pictures but they were on my old camera-phone so I don’t have them anymore.

                      Poor spiders. 😦 Planting is good, and feeding the birds, and ending war. All good. And yes, he is very sensible and sophisticated.

                    • 26 bluenred April 19, 2013 at 9:00 am

                      I remember those photos. You may have sent them to me on the tubes. If you did, they will be in the bowels of this computer somewhere. I will have to go look.

                    • 27 mieprowan April 18, 2013 at 10:50 pm

                      Now I’m feeling sad. Because I have spent so much time with so many widow spiders up close and personal, and have entirely failed to effectively explaim to anyone how they don’t have to be a problem.

                      I like the idea about black holes having a heartbeat though.

                    • 28 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) April 18, 2013 at 11:10 pm

                      Don’t be sad! I know the way to deal with insects in general is just to come to an agreement to live in peace. But I was so young I suppose I was caught in the crosshairs of the anti-insect war my mom and grandma were waging.

                      I wouldn’t have minded the black widows so much if they hadn’t felt the need to fly out of the cabinets at the speed of light when I tried to retrieve potatoes. Or deliberately run back and forth in front of the front door whenever we turned on the porch light. I actually think they’re quite beautiful, but I guess I’ve come to fear their shape, even as I appreciate its beauty.

                    • 29 mieprowan April 19, 2013 at 12:02 am

                      oh, it’s all right Julia. You’re a lovely person. You don’t need to keep apologizing. Your father doesn’t have to either. Me either. It’s excellent to work that out. love!

  4. 30 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I Keep Noting That Things are getting increasingly Odd on the Internet, Bueness.

    This is Hard. We Must Continue To Stay Stalwart And Continue to Kick Ass”

    just saying.

  5. 31 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    Oh, and Blueness?

    I sometimes feel a fail towards death.

    It’s hard.

    I always like Alexa because she exists in beauty above such despair.

    I cannot begin to say how beatiful she is is.

    I want to marry both of you.

    This is not about gender.


  6. 33 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    It was all right.

    I took a nap and I have no idea what I’m listening to now, except it’s Lou Reed. Well, that’s nice.

  7. 34 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Now it’s “I Will.” by the Beatles. Now isn’t that that nice.

  8. 35 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 16, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    I agree completely about the wrongness of mayo. I remember when I was little and my mother blamed my picky food habits on you, namely my insistence that mayo was Wrong. I consider myself lucky to have inherited the ability to see the truth of this alien invader posing as a condiment.

    I profess myself an anglophile in most matters, but food certainly belongs to the French and Italians, at least as far as Europe is concerned.

    • 36 Miep O'Brien March 16, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      I’d never really thought about it until blueness brought this up, but though I’ve attempted to make mustard at least once, have made many tomato sauces, and occasional cream sauces, and many salsas, including fruit salsa, I am not clear as to whether I have ever attempted to make Mayonnaise. Perhaps decades back, when I was young and naive.

      It’s just not all that exciting. Basically mayonnaise is about oil and vinegar plus egg. There are many ways to work with oil, vinegar and eggs or all sorts of other foods.

      It’s limited. And it requires egg yolks, which have the potential for salmonella contamination if you don’t raise your own chickens, so one is at the mercy of commercial food manufacturers, and you know what *they’re* like.

      Thusly mayonnaise has become less evil than irrelevant, as evinced by blueness’s anecdote about waiters pretending not to hear requests for this substance. That is not how one addresses Evil. That is how one addresses that which is simply beneath one’s notice.

    • 41 bluenred March 17, 2013 at 10:48 am

      Eschewing mayonnaise is not a “picky food habit.” Because mayonnaise is not a food. It is not even a native of this planet.

      Neither is eggplant.

      I was in a store the other day, and an eggplant spoke to me. That it can do this without lips is pretty impressive. But completely scarifying.

      • 42 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 6:18 pm

        Well, SHE called it a picky food habit. I see it as a defense mechanism. But I am kind of a picky eater, though I do not think this comes from you. She also lamented my insistence that salad is not a meal, food that can be eaten hot (chicken, pizza, etc), should generally be eaten hot – except for carrots – carrots are meant to be eaten fresh, not as orange mush. I’m sure YOU can cook carrots well, but I don’t expect it from anyone else.

        Also, tomatoes should not be ingested when fresh. At least not by me. All tomato-derived foodstuffs, however, are excellent.

        She thought I was especially picky when it came to hamburgers. I wanted only meat cheese and ketchup. At least these days I have upgraded to onions.

        Not eggplant though. I don’t think I have ever eaten an eggplant, and I don’t plan to. They should be displayed in modern art museums, not put into the body.

        What did the eggplant say?

        • 43 bluenred March 17, 2013 at 6:24 pm

          All of these things are Right. No, tomatoes should not be eaten fresh; in all other ways, they are Heavenly. Yes, hot food is meant to be consumed when hot. Salad is not a meal, not even in France. Carrots are best crisp and straight from the ground.

          The eggplant said that they, the eggplants, knew, that I knew, that they, the eggplants, are Alien.

          There is no reason to eat an eggplant. I think if you do that, it Takes Over. And you become an eggplant-driven being. Sort of like a pod person. In fact, when you think about it, an eggplant is pretty pod-shaped. ; 0

          • 44 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 6:52 pm

            Hmm. I suppose I do inherit these food proclivities from you then.

            They are indeed pod-shaped. And now they are on to you. Let us hope they do not join forces with the potato chips.

        • 56 Miep O'Brien March 17, 2013 at 8:46 pm

          Generally people make cooked tomato food items using canned tomatoes and sauces, which are made from edible varieties of tomatoes left to properly vine-ripen, which allows the fruit to fully sugar up.

          Raw tomatoes sold in grocery stores are of a hybrid species crossed with rutabagas. Sometimes people put these in salads for visual effect, as is done with curly parsley, neither of these things having any other purpose than purely decorative.

          • 57 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) March 17, 2013 at 11:26 pm

            I don’t like how people think that it’s a good idea to make fruit pretty but not as tasty.

            • 58 Miep O'Brien March 17, 2013 at 11:37 pm

              Indeed. I live in the desert with worse drought all the time. My mom lives in Washington State surrounded by unattended fruit trees.

              It’s not just about pretty, though. It’s about transport and storage. I am confounded that people still buy “fresh” fruit in many cases. It’s like buying lottery tickets.

              We can still sometimes get good pineapple and mangos here. But that’s relatively local.

              I grew some extraordinary heirloom tomatoes a few years back. But they stop setting fruit when it gets up in the nineties. The pollen gets sterile or something like that. So long-season tomatoes don’t give you much back. Early-season determinate ones are okay, but they aren’t heirlooms with their wonderful winey flavor.

              • 59 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) April 18, 2013 at 10:43 pm

                I don’t blame them. I don’t feel like doing much of anything when it gets up in the nineties either.

                When I lived in California the fruit situation was a lot better. I miss fresh peaches.

                • 60 mieprowan April 18, 2013 at 11:16 pm

                  Yo Again, Otra Julia (which I was named originally, we could start a club!)

                  I’m really sorry that I have been not hanging out with you on your poetry blog. I’ve been hurt a lot for decades what with people I cared for kicking me out of their lives unexpectedly. When your dad wrote here about how confusing it was for him with your wanting to bring a fuse to show ‘n’ tell, or sing Grateful Dead tunes in your grandmother’s bathtub, or collect small stones at school because We Have Always Gone About Collecting Small Stones..well, that just got to me me.

                  I know he is one of my tribe. We may be having language problems though.

                  And that just gets to me. A lot.

                  Love, heartbeats from the deep, and all loving kindness, Julia..

                  • 61 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) April 25, 2013 at 9:06 pm

                    Oh really? Wonderful! Hooray for Julias!

                    Oh, deviantART is pretty confusing. I understand. I should hang out here more, too, anyway.

                    …I still get caught singing Odd songs at Odd times. I was mad that the grocery store cut off the Sarah McLachlan song half-way through for an add so I just kind of sang the rest of it myself while I was shopping. No one stared directly, at least.

                    • 62 bluenred April 26, 2013 at 11:10 am

                      Grocery stores are notorious for playing some nice music and then interrupting it to announce that there is a sale on hemorrhoid products in aisle six.

  9. 63 mieprowan April 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Also,I read a nice feminist reductionist piece on Facebook the other day that was working the argument that girls are the scariest.

    And indeed they are. Because nobody has yet told them that the rules are going to change now, honey, and you must submit.

    What happens if girls don’t buy into any of that?

    What happens if girls organize around around being women, not around how they associate with men?

    • 64 bluenred April 19, 2013 at 9:03 am

      Of course girls are the scariest. That’s why boys treat them so badly. They’re scared. And they’re particularly scared of vaginas.

  10. 65 mieprowan April 18, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Don’t be sad, I know you will
    True love will find you in the end.

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