I Sometimes Think About Sarah Palin When I Drive

Which is why I don’t drive much these days.

I prefer to walk. Or take the bus.

Because I don’t think about Sarah Palin. Then.

See, I decided, and some time ago, that Sarah Palin palinswas never Real. At least in any universe I might inhabit. She couldn’t possibly be. Must needs: perish that thought. Just too horrifying.

As I once expressed it:

I am not comfortable with occupying the same Reality where Bristol Palin is considered worthy of a television show.

There has to be another, more real Reality. One where neither Bristol, nor Sarah, is considered worthy of any attention whatsoever.

Where children are not named “Tripp.”

Where Mad John McCain was permitted to select Joe Lieberman or Charlie Crist as his VP. Instead of being denied that opportunity by The Rove Brigade. Causing him to pitch a fit, and petulantly lunge for this unutterable creature from non-Reality. Who burst in from another dimension, through some sort of strange and terrifying portal, up there in the snows of Alaska.

It is comforting, believing that Sarah Palin was never Real. And, once it is accepted that even the so-called “sun,” around which the Earth purportedly revolves, is no longer there—Not Real—it is not all that difficult to apprehend: that “Sarah Palin”: was never Real.

But today I am occupied by a different thought. And that is that Sarah Palin may, after all, be Real. But also Proof of the Reality of De-Evolution.

Or so say the Science Men. Beyond the “furthur.”

Yes indeedy. The Science Men, they have now determined that—of all people—dust mites, they are furiously sculling, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

They are less today, these dust mites, than they were before.

They are de-evolved.

These dust mites, it seems, they have, among other things, wholly repealed “Dollos’ Law.” Which, like all laws, is only there so long as beings cannot be trusted to behave, within themselves, in a way that requires no laws.

A new study shows that certain organisms can undergo reverse evolution, that is, go back to the way they were living before evolving new traits. The study challenges the idea that yuckevolution is uni-directional and an organism can’t undo changes.

The idea that organisms can’t revert back is held by Dollo’s law, which states “that evolution is not reversible; i.e., structures or functions discarded during the course of evolution do not reappear in a given line of organisms.”

“All our analyses conclusively demonstrated that house dust mites have abandoned a parasitic lifestyle, secondarily becoming free-living, and then speciated in several habitats, including human habitations,” according to Pavel Klimov and Barry OConnor of the U-M Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology.

Researchers found that the mites have gone back to the ways of their ancestors by beginning to live independently; a phenomenon which goes against the idea that evolution only goes forward.

it does not surprise me at all that dust mites have succeeded in reversing the controls of evolution. For I have long known these creatures to be decidedly strange and truly horrifying organisms.

This was blazingly brought home to me, nearly thirty years ago, when I returned to my abode, one unsettling day, to learn that I had suddenly spent $1750 to buy a Kirby vacuum cleaner.

Because, somehow, some demonic Kirby vacuum-pusher, had managed to penetrate the wilds, and there stumble upon our extremely rural abode. And next terrify my then-wife, then-pregnant, by running his roaring dust-mucker across the nether regions of our bed. Sucking up mass quantities of extremely unsettling detritus, which he identified as dust mites and skin flakes. Convincing her, At Once, that his Kirby was the only instrument extant that could ensure that such filth would no longer mar our sleeping and loving compartment.

Now, I have nothing against vacuum cleaners. I presently have this cunning little Dirt Devil, which I run more or less continuously, because I live with three cats, who daily shed more hair than 3000 sheep. If I did not constantly run the Dirt Devil, I would become a Headline: to wit, “Cats Feed Three Days Off Corpse Of Man; Found Smothered In Cat-Hair Dust Bunnies.”

But this Kirby, it was more than anyone in the civilian sector might ever want or need. On occasion, when we grew bored, my then-wife and I, we would lounge around out on the porch, and use it to suck F-16s out of the sky.

Last I heard, she still possesses the instrument. And has used it successfully to wholly disappear at least two inconvenient husbands.

But anyway. The news that dust mites are running headlong into de-evolution, this fully explains Sarah Palin. She is a human who has, like the dust mites, reversed the evolutionary controls. Passing into acquatic palinur-humanness. Into a time when humans had not yet mastered language, or sense, or even the ability to walk upright. This is why her freakin’ butt is always sticking out. She has de-evolved to the point where humans could not yet straighten their spines.

The notion of existence: let’s face it: it becomes more malleable each day.

We know, for instance, that the sun does not exist.

And that Sarah Palin, allegedly the Republican candidate for vice-president in 2008, either was never Real, or is as de-evolved a dust mite.

And then, yesterday, we had this amusing juxtaposition of two Science Men stories.

First, we were informed that Science Men had decreed that one-third of all dinosaurs who ever existed, never existed at all. They had simply been “juveniles,” who had been “misclassified.”

Then, we were told that other Science Men had stumbled upon, there in the Antarctic, some 30,000 new sea creatures, many of whom had heretofore never been classified as Real or Existing at all.

What is Real? What is not? What Exists? What does not?

Surely Americans are poorly equipped to adequately answer this question. For they occupy a continent in which it has been decreed, via group agreement, that the original inhabitants, who rooted this land for well over 15,000 years, shall be regarded as if they never existed at all. Except in a few faded photographs. And neo-hippie imaginings.

There was nothing at the edge of the river
But dry grass and cotton candy.
“Alias,” I said to him. “Alias,
Somebody there makes never realus want to drink the river
Somebody wants to thirst us.”
“Kid,” he said.
“No river
Wants to trap men. There ain’t no malice in it. Try
To understand.” 

We stood there by that little river
and Alias took off his shirt
and I took off my shirt.
was never real. Alias was never real.
Or that big cotton tree or the ground.
O
r the little river.

—Jack Spicer, “Billy The Kid,” The Collected Books of Jack Spicer 

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52 Responses to “I Sometimes Think About Sarah Palin When I Drive”


  1. 1 alexadiaz27 March 11, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    what is this: Pick On Charlie Crist day? nuh-uh. not so fast, mister. this man was my governor and has converted from moderate halfhearted Republican to an Obama-endorsing Democrat.

    now maybe you can resist, but few things in life make me as happy as a good “Sinner, won’t you please come home?” epiphany.

    • 2 bluenred March 11, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      Hey, I’m not picking on Charlie. Just reporting a Fact. McCain wanted for his veep Crist or Graham, but the Roves said no, because both men are gay; he wanted Lieberman, but the Roves said no, ’cause he’s a Dem. So John had a tantrum, and selected Palin, beloved of Kristol, and a creature not Real.

  2. 5 alexadiaz27 March 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    you know what i’m talkin’ ’bout!

    • 6 bluenred March 11, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      Well . . . dang. ; 0

      I didn’t think Chuckles had anything to do with women, except for that Potemkin Wife he took when he thought he might get the John veep nod.

    • 7 Miep O'Brien March 11, 2013 at 7:01 pm

      This phrase has developed new meanings since I first became acquainted with it. I must admit to dismay at learning that what was once about being prostituted is now about pleasure.

      When language evolves like that, I want to tell it to go home and take a nap.

      • 8 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

        There are a lot of language abusers out there. Like the people who came up with “pay down” the debt, and “grow” the economy. And who retarded evolution by at least 10,000 years by transforming “mike” into “mic.” They should all be put in a Camp.

  3. 9 Miep O'Brien March 11, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    All deeply interesting, especially about the Alaskan Portal, which likely explains much about Alaska. Best CT I’ve heard all month.

    I am left, however, with a nagging question. Where can you go where they let you fondle giant starfish while giant snakes await in the background? Is this some new kind of sexual fetish of which I have not been informed?

    • 10 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:19 am

      please let me know if you find out? seriously. i’ll slap a roll of stamps on Jason’s ass and send him to Alaska tout suite.

    • 11 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 11:54 am

      The starfish humans come from one of the links in the piece; I think the one to the 30,000 new marine creatures, apparently discovered by people like those starfish-fondlers.

      The Alaska portal through which emerged Sarah Palin is sort of the up-north version of those sinkholes that are swallowing Florida.

      I saw today that some guy was playing golf in Illinois when a sinkhole opened up and dropped him underground.

      It is apparently no longer safe to walk the surface of the planet.

      • 12 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 4:11 pm

        We have an already-happened sinkhole right next to Route 285 here, an abandoned brine well. The Authorities assure us that, while it is a given that it will collapse, they are Confident that they will be able to Predict this Occurence sufficiently in advance to keep everyone Safe. I tell you, I sleep better at night knowing that.

        • 13 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 4:14 pm

          Okay. I don’t like knowing that you dwell in a land of sinkholes.

          Step carefully!

          • 14 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 4:24 pm

            Some years ago one of my neighbors called me over to our shared fence to point out that she was attempting to water one of her shrubs on the fence line, and that the water was all endlessly traveling down a hole just on my side of the fence. She seemed to want me to do something about this. I do not have any spells for fixing Bottomless Pits.

            The world is a dangerous place.

            • 15 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 4:32 pm

              This woman sounds like a sinkhole-creator. She should be Reported.

              I am starting to feel a CT coming on. About some sort of beings—who knows who they are, or why they are doing this—conspiring to transform the planet into a web of sinkholes.

              • 16 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 4:41 pm

                Done. BOLO on Grip. 😉

              • 17 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 5:01 pm

                In the last newspaper article I read about the collapsing brine well, someone involved in monitoring it noted that they could “hear things moving around down there.”

                I am challenged to think of any context in which this phrase could be anything but ominous.

                I stay away from this region of town. It is near the Wal-mart, which is not a problem, what with Wal-mart being its own sort of sinkhole.

                A woman here of my acquaintance has a son who is considered Odd. She told me once that when she first took him to Wal-mart, when he was quite young, he walked in the door, took one look around, and promptly threw himself screaming to the floor. Clearly a gifted child with the ability to see Wal-mart for what it really is, an alien extrusion of some evil dimension, he is wasted on Carlsbad.

                He must be over 18 by now. I hope he has Escaped, to somewhere without all these Holes.

                • 18 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 6:24 pm

                  There is no earthly reason for there to be “things moving around down there.”

                  That is how War of the Worlds began. ; /

                  I think the connection between WalMart and sinkholes is worth further exploration. Though I am not going down in any holes.

                  Yes, sounds like that child’s very cells perceived the Wrongness of WalMart. Hopefully he is happier today.

                  • 19 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 6:35 pm

                    Yes, I expect that when the sinkhole collapses so close to this Wal-Mart aberration, there will be a temporary distortion in the spacetime continuum that will result in shoppers being violently expelled from said sinkhole, and the Wal-Mart property collapsing into a black hole. Hopefully there will be photos.

                    I was posting on some blog once where someone asked “if you could ask for one new invention, what would it be?” I immediately replied “Personalized black holes.” Why don’t we have those yet? I bet that slacker Tesla could have invented one.

                    • 20 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 6:58 pm

                      We have already entered that world, but it is one fraught with Danger.

                      For instance, we learned during the 2012 Republican presidential primaries that a supermassive black hole had taken up residence in the head of Rick Perry, where it acted to continuously suck away whatever rational thoughts he might form.

                    • 21 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 7:17 pm

                      Going around with an unshielded black hole is indeed irresponsible. This is the sort of behavior one might expect from Methheads. Eventually they’d take to secreting them in their private parts, resulting in unpleasant Implosions.

                      With great knowledge comes great responsibility. People would have to learn to keep their PBH’s safely away from sensitive areas of their anatomy, as with cell phones. But a responsibly managed PBH is simply a tool. Think of the potential uses…cleaning up litter and pet feces. Room deodorizing. Nuclear waste disposal.

                      Remember – Personalized black holes don’t suck people’s brains out. People suck people’s brains out.

                    • 22 bluenred March 14, 2013 at 8:01 am

                      Meth people already brew their Hitleroid poison in their pants. So I suppose they’d stuff black holes down there too.

                    • 23 Miep O'Brien March 14, 2013 at 9:34 am

                      If it’s possible to fit an entire meth lab in one’s pants, why waste the money on a house? This fellow is clearly ahead of the curve.

                      If this had happened on an airplane, he would have been charged with Terrorism. And all the poor flyers would be subjected to in-line interrogation as to whether they do now, or ever have, manufactured addictive substances inside their underwear. Confusion would ensue, harsh words be exchanged. “What *is* it with you people and underwear?” Indeed.

  4. 26 Miep O'Brien March 11, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    This evening while trolling around Daily Tos, I found a recently published piece by soothsayer delineating the ongoing failure there to Fix Their Statistics, such statistics being inordinately in favor of Aging White Wealthy Men.

    Said Statistics are determined by Spying On Internet Users, not via polls, though this was unclear to some. Much as I detest such Spying, I will freely admit that it likely garners more Accurate Results.

    I spent some time looking at the links, which mostly went back to Black Kos members, many now banned.

    This was Interesting, in a variety of ways. I can see now that I did a big fail in Not Helping to police the Black Kos comment threads, naive me.

    Because of the Arthur Factor. I ran into this particular Arthur when he was hanging around people who were dismayed about the Leakage of That Which Should Have Been Left Underground into the Waters Named By Humans Of Some Stripes as The Gulf of New Mexico.

    Arthur seemed a bit odd, but I seem a bit odd. I try not to judge.

    So imagine my surprise when I discovered just a few hours ago that Blueness was the first person to address Arthur’s need to glorify his racist tendencies, via describing his having been Johnny-On-The-Spot for a stone cold murder of a black child, including such luscious tid-bits as noting that the Poet knew in person what it sounded like when a murderer cracked a child’s skull with a baseball bat. After two days. What, this asshole had people in Black Kos so terrorized that nobody felt comfortable confronting him for two freaking days, when he posted about being an accessory to murder?

    I can’t read hiddens. I’m Banned. But the first comment posted in response to Arthur Poet,, visible to me, after a few days was from Blueness, suggesting that Arthur Poet turn his sorry ass in. Much appreciation ensued, and finally Meteor Blades showed up and apologized for not tending to this sooner, what with having been ill.

    Okay.

    No problem.

    Except that Blueness just got banned for doing the exact same thing, speaking out against racism. He didn’t change. He’s still the same deeply caring person he’s been all along.

    So what’s changed?

    I know, I know. I tend to obsess on stuff. I get yelled at about this from time to time. I don’t care. Rip off the mask, that’s where I’m at, when it comes to lying and oppression.

    Deal.

    • 27 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:25 am

      scoot over, sis. i’m obsessing, too.

      where did you see The Magnificent Soothsayer? i looked all over to see if i could find anything recent but i couldn’t. i missed the Arthur Poet incident entirely, also.

      yes, our blueness (when he’s not being super snotty brat) is an asset to MAMzLandia. the thread from 8 or 9 days ago by Yas has new comments from esteemed writers Brecht and Ono. hopefully someone is reading them besides us.

    • 30 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:29 am

      following up on previous followup, i have found some rather “heinous” opinions, far moreso than any views expressed by mah honeybee, circa 2004. only Brecht and i were there at the time. pondering best use of said material to our interests.

      • 31 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 4:08 pm

        The Arthur Poet thing was heinous as all getout. The guy was going around bragging about how much he’d progressed since the bad old days when he used to participate in hate crimes, with his buddy beating on some poor black kid with a baseball bat, so don’t you be talking to HIM ’bout racism.

        Took FOREVER to get rid of him. This helps explain why the Black Kos people got so pissed off, the guy had been trolling them for some time. It’s hard to feel vulnerable there and not feel like anybody’s got your back. That’s part of how blueness picked up such strong support from some of the black people who are still there, because he was doing the right thing, standing in solidarity. Blueness would make a terrific blog moderator, not that I’d wish such a curse on him 😉

  5. 32 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Started up an account on deviant art. Really appreciate your turning me on to this.

    http://leftoverrain.deviantart.com/journal/

  6. 33 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 1:15 am

    Also. It’s okay if you don’t like me, blueness. I’m used to it.

    Alexa likes me, which constantly amazes me.

    I wish you both well.

    • 34 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:27 am

      how could we not like you, Miep? im-possible!

    • 35 bluenred March 12, 2013 at 11:56 am

      What? Nobody ever said I didn’t like you. This is what in the law we call “assuming facts without evidence.” ; ) I do like you.

      • 36 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 11:09 pm

        Thank you. I don’t mean to be an attention junkie. I’ve had a lot of history with people of both genders whom I cared for, turning on me. When that happens a lot, a person can get worried.

        The possibilities are all difficult. I am a bad person? I tend to only attract bad people? I am habitually offensive and have no idea?

        I think I’ve worked this out to some extent, but I still worry a lot that I’m offending people unknowingly. Because if I was, how would I know?

        It’s crazy-making. Alexa’s support means a lot to me. Thank you for yours as well.

    • 37 poco March 12, 2013 at 7:04 pm

      I like you, too, Miep, though you don’t know me. Like you a lot now that I have met you here.

      Thought I should finally be polite and say howdy.

      • 38 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 7:19 pm

        Oh, I remember you, poco. What a pleasure to see you here.

      • 39 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 8:37 pm

        Also, thanks for being so standup about this whack job on blueness. That’s courageous, I know how social pressure operates. It takes a lot out of one to stand up and speak out.

        There is always a lot of pressure in these sort of situations to blame the victim, to try to reframe the abuse as not being that big a deal, to try to shut people up and say “We must move on from this.”

        To what? More of the same? Worse?

        I would be so happy to see more of blueness’s supporters posting here, if only to say hello. Of course, once you get warned for tipping an innocent comment in a targeted diary, it’s pretty clear all bets are off if you have the temerity to actually talk to that horrible person on his own blog. Who knows what might happen?

        Thank you so much for doing so.

      • 40 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:11 pm

        hola, poco! so happy to see you here. 😉

      • 42 bluenred March 14, 2013 at 8:11 am

        Hi poco. Thanks for being here. ; )

  7. 43 alexadiaz27 March 12, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Alexa likes me, which constantly amazes me.

    why?

  8. 45 mieprowan March 12, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Reblogged this on There Are So Many Things Wrong With This and commented:
    I didn’t personally come up with anything worth being outraged about today, so I’ll just leave this here.

  9. 46 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Found me some good CT ’bout how Sarah Palin isn’t real.

    Ya see, her background was fabricated in five months prior to the election, and everything ya think ya know about her was just made up so people would talk.

    And half of what you are supposed to think she is, is based on somebody else (you will note that I am trying really hard to avoid pingbacks here, and for good reason).

    I learned all these Very Important Things when I tried to google “Palins Starfish.”

    Hints Over.

  10. 47 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    Also..and not directly related, but why not tell these stories when the venue is opened?

    When I was managing the Venice Co-op in 1991 or so, I used to take a long lunch break and go a bit south on Lincoln Boulevard, and visit Kerry Fahey at his record store. Kerry was a wildman, previously associated with Takoma Records.

    He went broke running that place, but he always said he never regretted a moment. Some days when the weather was nice, we’d set up folding chairs on the sidewalk and smoke. You know.

    Kerry was fearless. Once while I was hanging, he fielded some telephone call, and then informed me that when the government called, he always told them that he never answers telephone calls from the government.

    After it finally all went down, he lost the shop and also his house, when he mortgaged it to try to keep the shop, and all was gone – I ran into him clerking at some L.A. liquor store, or something like that.

    He seemed happy. He told me he was spending a lot of free time going out to railroad tracks and watching trains go by.

    Before the failure of his record shop, he once had a girl band play, The Underthings. They got stopped for not having a sound permit. Nice band.

    Quote I remember always from one of their songs:

    “Who needs the curse of bigness?
    Who wants to be a giant in a small land?”

    “Waiting For The End Of The World” is lovely, but the video is gone from youtube, alas.

  11. 48 Miep O'Brien March 12, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Another anecdote…years back, when I was hanging on Daily Kos and Free Speech Zone. Jack’s Smirking Revenge had been hinting about trolling Daily Kos with a “Diary Virgin.”

    This is the guy who is now a certified firefighter and EMT in NYC, mind you, and doing well with all of his tests and certificates. Smart young man and his mother is proud. I know him on Facebook, we kept in touch. Out there saving people’s lives, Dog bless him.

    So anyway, Jack posted a diary entitled “In Which I Come Dressed In White For The Sacrifice.” He posted a ROFL-Copter animated jpeg and threw a few rocks at Obama.

    Predictability ensued. Also Blueness showed up, and commented that he kind of liked this, that this was like troll diaries used to be, with some style.

    And we both watched for a bit, tipped the tip jar, and then went our separate ways, but I always remembered this, because it was such a good example of People Engaging In Disallowed Activities, In A Calm and Accepting Manner.

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