This Is A Stickup

The term “concealed carry,” it has developed a whole new meaning, now that a woman has been found to have lugged around a loaded revolver stuffed up her vagina.

Jennifer Delancy and Christie Harris were blithely, though blearily, weaving along the roads of these United States, when local gendarmes what's up?determined it might be a wise idea to pull them over.

In the course of the ensuing traffic stop, it was discovered that both women had rap sheets longer than god, and that one had an active warrant out for her arrest.

Meanwhile, drug dogs deployed, and sniffing round these two women, were going absolutely batshit.

It was decided to transport the two women to the local pokey.

“On the way there, one of them tells the officer she has a[] hypodermic needle in her shoe, and they remove that,” Pontotoc County District Attorney Chris Ross said. “The other one said she had to go to the bathroom.”

“The other one”—a.k.a. Ms. Harris—was, it was discovered during booking, harboring “something strange” within her corporeal container.

“The officer observed the handle of a revolver sticking out from inside her body,” Ross said.

Court records state it was a “wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area.”

A further search brought forth “[b]ags of drugs [] secreted in Harris’s rectum.”


Crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, a pistol and a loaded clip of bullets were found inside the vehicle.

During the ride to jail, Harris “stated several times that she needed to go to the bathroom,” said police.

Officer Kathy Unbewust conducted a strip search of Harris, despite the latter’s objections.

Unbewust said that she observed a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vaginal area. The concealed weapon contained “three live rounds inside and one spent shell.”

“It would seem to be a very dangerous place to carry a loaded firearm,” Ross said. “If it goes off it’s only going one place.”

As might have been predicted—with something like 100% accuracy—Harris is a methamphetamine person.

For, not only does meth convince a person that it is Absolutely Imperative to completely dismantle one’s car at 3:00 in the morning, so too does it command that ramming objects strange and unnatural up the glory hole is nothing but Right and Meet.

Oklahoma has previously been identified on this blog as the veritable vortex of the emerging national penchant for brewing methamphetamine in the aisles of the local WalMart.

Now, apparently, Oklahoma is also on the absolute cutting edge of The Need to squirrel away vast quantities of meth, accompanied by firearms, up the holy of holies.

As has been here heretofore observed, the Oklahoma state motto is currently Labor Omnia Vincit— or, “Labor Conquers All Things.” I believe—I say again—it is time to change that motto. To something like E Pluribus Dumbfuck. Or, “Meth Labs R Us.”


14 Responses to “This Is A Stickup”

  1. 1 Miep O'Brien March 8, 2013 at 6:00 am

    There is a fair amount of meth down here as well, what with there being little to do at night except attend one of the four bars or sixty-five churches. But New Mexico is a permissive open carry state, while in Oklahoma one is required to acquire a license, so we have not, to my knowledge, had any reports of people carrying weapons in such unusual ways.

    From this I can only conclude that all states should have permissive open carry, because, think of the poor tweakers. We are putting them at risk with all this nonsense about licenses and permits. When meth-heads can’t carry guns, then only non-meth-heads will carry guns, and you know where *that* leads.

  2. 2 bluenred March 8, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    So long as there are requirements that meth be subjected to “open carry.” Users must be required to tape their supplies of the substance to their foreheads. That way we will Know, and so can get well away from such people.

    • 3 Miep O'Brien March 8, 2013 at 1:11 pm

      It would likely be simpler to have government subsidies for forehead tattooing. The humans in question would then DIY, which would eliminate the need for an enforcement budget, and it would save on tape, which would be environmentally friendly.

  3. 4 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 2:54 am

    seen these Purty in Pink guns yet?

    from article i linked to:

    Spend a few minutes scrolling through the websites of gun dealers and you might be forgiven for thinking America is a nation of Gayle Trotters: women using the language of feminism to demand the “right to choose to defend ourselves,” as the gun-rights activist put it in her Senate testimony last week. Three of the top six U.S. gun-makers — Smith & Wesson, Remington, and Sig Sauer — have pages or products dedicated to the prospective female gun owner, offering smaller lightweight models, shorter trigger pulls, and grips designed for smaller hands. There are rifle cartridges designed to reduce recoil, holsters designed to fit between a woman’s décolletage, and high-end concealed-carry purses. There’s a lot of pink: pink camouflage gun cases and pink Pumpmaster Air Rifles and pink tipped bullets and pink assault rifles.

    maybe it’s just me, but that’s not the way we ladies like to accessorize, unless of course, you’ve been trolled by NRA and gun manufacturers and actually believe they did this in the interest of your look.

    • 5 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 3:26 am

      No, no you don’t get it. Wimmin having to deal with endless male assault leads to new evolution! We grow genital weapons!

      Seriously, you just check in about a hundred and fifty thousand years from now. That stuff you read about about female ejaculation? Gonna evolve, gonna be voluntary..and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

      And with any luck, those whatevers will remember that High Goddess Miep said it first, so after I die I will always be important even if I forget to arrange to have my carcass fed to some adorable tree.

      • 6 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 1:43 pm

        so lemme get this straight, Miep. lowly wimmens are to have The Power at some future time? oh, such possibilities. starting a list of what i’m gonna do with my New Appendage.

    • 7 bluenred March 9, 2013 at 9:10 am

      The gunnies frequently ejaculate about the pink killing machines.

      They are really embarrassing, those people.

      • 8 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 1:49 pm

        recently, in my confined state, i met a woman (now keep in mind, in Texas, this is not uncommon) married to a militia dude, like OathKeepers. we were getting platelets at the same time.

        she told me at length how her many, many children (ages in months to teen years) ALL know how to “defend our freedumb” and are prepared to do so at any time. i told her that was some sick shit. her super-witty comeback line was that “as a Hispanic,” i cannot possibly understand patriotism. :/

        • 9 bluenred March 9, 2013 at 2:45 pm

          Ye gods. My first thought, because I am Bad, was to yank out her tubes. : /

          No doubt, “as a moron,” this woman is unaware of the fact that Texas was part of Hispania a lot longer than it’s been yoked to the US.

          Also because I am Bad, I am tempted to suggest that the best way she and her brood may “defend our freedumb” is to gather round in a circular firing party. : /

          • 10 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 3:28 pm

            the grand, sweeping generalizations do work a person’s nerves. i’ve never been to Mexico except on vacation as a kid. i know nada about Mexican culture.

            i just let it go these days. i’m tired of trying to ‘splain to white peoples that Cuban Americans are not Hispanic and saying it ain’t gonna make it happen.

        • 13 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 3:11 pm

          She is in for an unpleasant surprise when the burgeoning Hispanic population in Texas swings the vote Democratic. From some of the stuff I’ve read, this falls in the category of “already happened.” As in, everything is in the works, it just hasn’t played out yet.

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