Shazam

It has long been established by Science Men that the reason for the existence of Texas is to provide a place to contain the full allotment of sand allocated to the North American continent.

You see, back when Slartibartfast and the gang were designerdesigning the planet, it was determined that each area of the earth should contain certain amounts of various resources.

For reasons absolutely unknown to me, it was decided by these Designers that the North American continent must needs a lot of sand.

Thus, Texas.

Big enough, to hold a whole hell of a lot of sand.

Today, countless millennia on, they’re proud of their sand, the humans down there in Texas.

“This is the good stuff,” Jordan said as he fingered the golden-colored sand. “This is what everybody wants.”

Now, I have nothing particularly against sand. It is true that I happen to prefer other features—water, mountains, moss, ala—but that’s, I suppose, just me.
Sand, I guess, like everybody else, has to be some place.
I just wish the Designers had eased up enough on the North American sand quota, so that there didn’t need to be a Texas.
Know that it isn’t the sand on the ground that grieves me.
It’s what happens when the sand gets into the heads of Texans.
Sand is an abrasive; it rubs away stuff. A healthy human brain features many wrinkles: it is in the wrinkles that intelligence resides. But when sand gets into the human head, it abrades away the wrinkles. Leaving the brain smooth. To wit, without intelligence.
And, these days, when a Texan’s brain has been sanded sufficiently smooth, he is sent to Congress
Previously the premier Texas sand-brain was Ron “Rugs” Paul, noted Negro-hater and Hebrew-fearer, well-known for his unswerving allegiance to Occupy Womb Street, and his penchant for engaging in sexual congress with precious metals.
However, an unfortunate smelting accident erased the entirety of Paul’s genitalia, necessitating his retirement from Congress. After serving there so many terms that, when you say the word “America” to someone who doesn’t live in that country, they just laugh.
So now, Paul gone, the chief sand-brain from the great state of Texsand is Louis Gohmert.
A being whom, once non-Americans get a load of him, will not cause them to laugh. But instead to build spaceships. To get clean away.
Gohmert is of that new and ever more demented and depraved form of Republican that cannot even be trusted to correctly pronounce his own name.

Just as John Boehner’s last name is properly pronounced “Boner”—despite his these-days lies that he’s really a “Bey-nur”—Gohmert’s last name is correctly i am he and he are sheep and we are farm animals togetherenunciated “Gomer.”

As in Pyle.

However, as he has begun to establish himself as the sand-brain heir to Rugs Paul, Gohmert has begun to insist that people pronounce the “t.”

Thus, we are these days subjected to the spectacle of baboons like Sean Klannity furiously clacking their mandibles to squeeze out that last consonant.

It is hard to accurately express the full extent of Gohmert’s de-evolution.

Picture, if you will, a mouth-breathing knuckledragger, so skewed and confused that he forever moves bodily below a shroud of sand, only the bristly black hair adorning his knuckles, breaking the surface of the earth.

Or consider that, before Gohmert slouched into Congress to be borne, Texas governor Rick Perry appointed him—as a judge—to the state’s 12th District Court of Appeals.

Perry, of course, a creature who would outstrip, by several light years, in Deep Dumbness, both Rugs Paul, and Louie Gohmert—if he happened to be an actual human being.

But he is not.

Perry is instead, as my colleague and I proved conclusively during the 2012 Republican primaries, a farm animal.

To retain membership in today’s Republican Party, it is required that one fester and fume and fulminate with so much racism that the stigmata of a burning cross periodically appears on one’s forehead.
And so it is with Congressmember Gohmert.
He weeps bitterly over the passage of human slavery, noting that while some may say slavery “was a blot on our existence,” shit is so much worse now: “the trouble is we have never as an entire nation overall been so far away from God’s teaching and so openly rebelling, even from the top, against God’s teachings in the Bible.”
With “even from the top,” Gohmert is of course referring to the black man who has the effrontery to occupy the White House.
And I know the president made the mistake one day of saying he had visited all 57 states, and I’m well aware that there are not 57 states in this country, although there are 57 members of OIC, the Islamic states in the world. Perhaps there was some confusion whether he’d been to all 57 Islamic states as opposed to all 50 U.S. states. But nonetheless, we have an obligation to the 50 American states, not the 57 Muslim, Islamic states. Our oath we took is in this body, in this House. And it’s to the people of America. And it’s not to the Muslim Brotherhood, who may very well take over Egypt and once they do, they are bent upon setting up a caliphate around the world, including the United States. And this administration will been complicit in helping people who wants to destroy our country.
Yeehaw. Sand that brain, Louie!
Because he is a sand-brain, and because he is a racist, Gohmert has determined that the current most effective way to bring the Black Man to heel is to, in this age of the “sequester,” introduce legislation that would prevent President Obama from playing golf.
Reads the Official Legislative Writ of Gohmer Shazam Pyle:
None of the funds made available by a division of this act may be used to transport the president to or from a golf course until public tours of the White House resume.
They just can’t handle it. That a black man is out there scaryplaying golf.
Like Dwight D. Eisenhower basically every damn day did do.
Dwight-dude, he spent so much time out there, he even had a heart attack, out there on the links.
But, this: this is different.
A black man.
What has happened to the country?
In the good ol’ days, no black man ever walked upon a golf course. Less he was a caddie. Or somebody serving mint juleps.
This is why, from the get-go, racists from both the right, and the “left” (hello slinkerwink), have fixated on Obama’s “lazy,” “shiftless” shambling upon the links.
There are lots more words to write, but really, I just don’t now want to write them. So let me just say this: fuck these people. They’re all in “the last throes.” Because racism is over. Just like guns, and cities, and money. And all the rest of the mouth-breathing knuckledragging balderdash.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.
The sequester, meanwhile, has amusingly, if frustratingly, drop-curtained a shroud that completely obscures the eyes of those who wrongly—though of course ever-smugly—consider themselves “progressives.” And who everywhere now commence the St. Vitus Dance, screaming till their lips bleed that the sequester is some sort of spawn of Satan.
Except that, for true anti-war people, the sequester is a heavenly gift.
An unexpected, unanticipated Reality.
In which the serial killers have been deprived of a goodly chunk of money. With which they would otherwise pursue their bliss of stab and shoot and strafe and slit.
True anti-war people, they would embrace this gift. And, from there, work so that these funds will never, under any circumstances, be returned to the serial killers. Work until, alpha and omega, the way it should and shall be—already happened—the serial killer budget has been reduced to $0.
But there are no true anti-war persons in the United States.
There is just sand.
I know this, because I am one. A true anti-war person. Though not of the United States. Or even of this planet.
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15 Responses to “Shazam”


  1. 1 Miep O'Brien March 8, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    This is quite insightful. Yes, we have the reserve currency so we can always print more dollars when we overextend ourselves further, but the only reason we still have the reserve currency is because we’ve terrorized all the oil-producing countries into refraining from cutting us out of the loop. So all this pissing and moaning about austerity and the sequester and arguing about who is to blame for it, such as is going on right now over at Daily Thanatos, is effectively just more military apologism.

    Oh yes, I know, the USA people will suffer, they’ll suffer even more before this all finishes playing out, but cheer up, peoples! Every day that you’re not getting your families murdered and your infrastructure bombed and your land hopelessly poisoned by some horrible rogue nation’s military, is a good day! Chin up!

  2. 2 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 1:58 am

    Also, too; do you know about Motley Moose? It’s a soapblox blog that has attracted a variety of Kossacks including banned people. Brit is one of the founders and he had the temerity to give me props when I was in the process of getting banned.

    There are also Kossacks there who may not like your style, but it’s kind of a mixed bag. Might be a place you could migrate to, to get more eyes and back in touch with some of your friends.

    After all, what are they gonna do? Send you to Viet Nam?

    • 3 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 2:21 am

      Also, Denise Oliver posts there, and mahakali overdrive has an account.

      I went back and read all the last comments on Yasaguri’s post on Daily Thanatos and some at the end were disturbing, but in a good way. As in “I really thought I could trust this blog and now I’m all WTF?” (paraphrased).

      And then there were all the responses to the hidden comments, that was interesting. Once you work out who was posting in the hidden comment threads, you can read all the non-hidden comments below. Apparently someone was using some random blue-something post from pffugee camp to slander you, your absolutely delightful friends seriously got upset about this. And yes, it’s still there. I didn’t know about peeder, I only knew about Laura, who seemed nice but too willing to pay money to let sociopaths abound. I ran into those people when I was schmoozing with Free Speech Zone, and as I’ve already noted, Jack’s Smirking Revenge has moved on from being a blog pariah to being a fireman and emergency responder for NYC.

      I don’t know whether he carries a gun, though you do have a point. Also the feral hog problem is real and near where I live.

      No worries. I always go batshit when people gang up on me. I think you handled it quite well. And fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

      • 4 bluenred March 9, 2013 at 9:18 am

        The pffugee fellow is Moon. A real piece of work. Banned from Kos for grotesque sexual material. Which he also flogged incessantly over on fsz. One of the people who figured in his dementia was me. This was years ago. But I guess he’s continued to carry a torch, all this time. ; )

    • 9 bluenred March 9, 2013 at 9:15 am

      That was good of Brit, to be there when the hounds were after you. : /

      • 10 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 1:56 pm

        I don’t know whether he particularly wrote anything, because I tended to stop reading the comments in the pile-ons. But sometimes just tipping a tip jar can put one at risk.

        I do tend to kind of assume upfront that people don’t like me, Alexa has a point there. This did not develop out of context. Sometimes they surprise me though. goinsouth got himself summarily banned for aggressively calling out kos for banning me. (“Miep Banned, Kos Sucks.”)

        He told me later, posting on my then-blog, that this had been his third (second zombie) account there, and that the pattern of tolerance of racism and misogyny was striking.

        I don’t have the freedom to zombie, I’d stand out like a neon sign in Carlsbad. But after what happened to you I realized that I no longer wanted to. There are still some nice non-brainwashed people there, they must be getting lonely.

        • 11 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm

          comment ratings are the biggest problem. un-freakin-believable. damned if you do, damned if you don’t. if TPTB took away ratings completely, most would just stop posting.

          • 12 Miep O'Brien March 9, 2013 at 2:07 pm

            Well, yes. And when people start having these long furious debates about comment rating, it becomes especially transparent how bizarre the whole thing is, that people will devote that kind of time to these debates, about writing freaking legislation about comment rating.

            Comment rating is useful for one thing only, to communicate that you read the comment. Sort of like saying “hi.”

            BTW, from what I see elsewhere here, you appear to be ill. I’m quite sorry to hear that and wish you a speedy recovery from whatever is ailing you.

    • 14 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 1:59 pm

      MM is a really great blog, lots of very interesting people, no bullies on the playground. they have mos’ definitely got it right there, in terms of not taking ev-ery little thing so damn seriously, and giving people some benefit of the doubt.

  3. 15 alexadiaz27 March 9, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    i always liked Peeder and even though PFF was kind of beneath him (yeah, he knew it), he walked away with his head up. have to give him props for that. he was cool.


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