Ancestors

Upon the completion of an exhaustive six-year study, Science Men have determined that the first human was a thin and wiry rat-like creature who gobbled insects.

So: not a lot has changed.

One of these ur-humans for many years crawled across the TV screen round these parts. He called himself Cal Worthington, and, in the interest of peddling automobiles, he claimed that if a buggedcustomer was for some reason not satisfied, he would “eat a bug.”

It was always clear to me that this creature liked eating bugs, and was simply searching for any excuse to ingest one.

A photograph of the Worthington being is presented above, pictured with one of his wives, who appears to be undergoing a profoundly bug-like experience.

The official name bestowed upon the Worthingtons by the Science Men is Protungulatum donnae. They first emerged on the earth some 66 million years, after a rude and abusive asteroid who, for reasons that passeth understanding, violently disliked dinosaurs, slammed into the planet, so as to create climactic conditions that would cause all the dinosaurs to pass away. This was as sad as “Puff The Magic Dragon” or “The Unicorn Song.” The dinosaurs deliquesced, becoming petroleum, which enabled the rise of the Worthingtons, who evolved to flog motored vehicles powered by said petroleum.

This is Science.

To ensure their Survival, the Worthingtons evolved into not only humans, but also some 5400 other current species; basically, anybody who has a placenta. The Worthingtons are of the placenta uber alles cohort.

“The findings were not a total surprise,” claims Science Man Maureen A. O’Leary, who is a woman. “But it’s an important discovery because it relies on lots of information from fossils and also molecular data. Other scientists, at least a thousand, some from other countries, are already signing up to use MorphoBank.”

I do not know what “MorphoBank” is, but it sounds Wrong. I believe that it may have something to do with The Matrix. I will obtain a Grant, and commence a Study.

I will not eat a bug.

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4 Responses to “Ancestors”


  1. 1 Alexa February 18, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    isn’t that Courtney Love in the foto?

    i await impatiently your findings from the Study. 😉

  2. 3 Mackenzie September 30, 2014 at 6:10 am

    I know this web site offers quality dependent content and extra
    information, is there any other website which presents such information in quality?


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