Heavy Duty

Amazon aficionados are aware that one of the ways the place tries to encourage you to buy stuff is by offering “Super Saver” free shipping.

Somebody at the Wall Street Journal with nothing better to do set out to determine just what sort of extreme-poundage pachyderms Amazon willnuts heave across the land for free.

And so discovered that apparently the weightiest item Amazon will roll to your door is the Cannon Safe CO54 Commander Series Premium 90 Minute Fire Safe. The thing weighs 1672 pounds, and normally the company charges about $700 for shipping.

This is an item that would be purchased—at Amazon for $3486.57—only by somebody with a serious Problem. It stands six feet tall, features a 5.75-inch thick steel door with 13 locking bolts, and can hold up to 48 guns.

Anybody who conceives a need to squirrel away 48 guns requires Treatment.

Which brings us to Glenn Beck, and his people. Horrified that the black man has been returned to the White House, Beck had a breakdown in which he babbled and blithered about George Washington, and weepingly advised his audience to pull their children out of school, and buy farmland and guns. Because the apocalypse is at hand.

So it is indeed fortunate that Amazon will ship for free to these nutters a mammoth Fear Box in which they can secret away their firearms. I suppose they could also stash their root vegetables in there. As well as themselves.


9 Responses to “Heavy Duty”

  1. 1 santera hoochie November 30, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    totally with you on The Fear Box, Glenn Beck, and that whole ‘nother matter about guns. i’m a little uncertain, though (yes, i do have reason, temp just spiked up again): what are your feelings on shopping at Amazon? i think you used to like ’em, no? we get the Prime membership (free two-day shipping on nearly everything) for i think about $60 yearly. this pays for itself within about 2-3 months, especially if a holiday or birthday or gift-giving occasion, happens to be during that time.

    • 2 bluenred November 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

      I am currently in recovery from a serious Amazon jones. When I inevitably relapse, I will then go Prime. ; )

      • 3 santera hoochie November 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

        like, dude, i’m not sellin’ nothin’. just sayin’ with kids and pets, i like, OD on the Prime. if you have an Amazon jones, and i do, too, it’s a hard habit to break because they have like, 1-click, and cloud and no limit on your ship-to address book. so much easier than going out to shop.

        • 4 bluenred November 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

          I went through a period where I purchased over the intertubes more books than Thomas Jefferson donated to start the Library of Congress. I am trying to refrain from such behaviors. You are tempting me. ; )

          • 5 santera hoochie November 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

            i don’t get any kick-back. just attesting to the power of the Amazon jones. do you know the cloud thingy (i resisted it for months) holds more music than any device made by the late Steve Jobs in mp3 players? how i ever lived without a cloud?

            • 6 bluenred November 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

              The only clouds I know about are the ones I shout at about “mic,” and the ones that have been dumping rain for the past four days.

  2. 7 Comrade Red November 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Guns, “weapons”, as Castro wrote, well, their time is past. Like any special tool, there’s a use, naturally, that critter that sneaks into the hen-house – well, oughtn’t he have a talk with Farmer Brown’s .22? And re-uniting Fe with 02 is the ultimate goal of any old .38, but if the need for guns is great, then locking them up seems kinda dumb… Of course, the need is imaginary. That’s the point. At one time guns made folks more or less equal. Now they make us unequal. So their time is past.

    • 8 bluenred November 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      If somebody gets into the hen-house, it’s because you didn’t build it well enough.

      • 9 Comrade Red November 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

        Well, it’s metaphor – but, as tom waits put it, there’s always some killin’ to be done ’round the farm. Honestly, I have had to kill animals with a gun. It’s very disagreeable. It often does indicate a moral error, but not, I think, always. My poor old pal Phaedrus, 15 years old, he had a stroke. Was I to ruin his last day with a long trip to the vet? And shall we listen to the coyote killing the hens and simply say, aw gee, I should outta had built a better hen house? And the day the coyote came to dinner and the dogs all ganged up on the poor guy – should I let the dogs fight it out – we know the outcome! – or shall I end the affair? I see the best “use” for guns as rusting in the closet. Nobody wins a gunfight. But stuff happens. Timshel.

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When I Worked

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