Rue, Britannia

So Prince Charles is having something of a public whine about the fact that he is now old enough to need a walker, yet still he will not be king.

Chuckles’ mother, Elizabeth, Queen of England, is 86, and in the midst of a thus far successful life-extension experiment involving sitting around surrounded by Corgis, sipping sherry, and listening to tunes on the iPod that Barack Obama gave her.

Elizabeth’s mother lived to the age of 101. Her life-extension experiment also involved alcohol. So much so that those who prepared her for burial and laid her to rest reportedly did so in flame-retardant clothing.

Chuck, while recently wandering round Dumfries House, referenced his “reputation for pursuing projects with notorious vigour,” thusly:

“Impatient? Me? What a thing to suggest! Yes of course I am.” He added: “I’ll run out of time soon. I shall have snuffed it if I’m not careful.”

Charles has been something of an Eeyore about his throneless state for quite some time.

In 1992, at a hoedown celebrating his mother’s 40th year on the throne, Charles said to his then father-in-law, the Earl of Spencer: “You are fortunate enough to have succeeded to the title when still young.”

In 2004, receiving congratulations from a soldier on attaining his 56th birthday, Charles observed glumly: “I’m now at the age at which my grandfather died.”

Some have suggested that Elizabeth abdicate, and allow Charles to ascend to the throne.

But why should she? She’s queen.

Others opine that Charles shouldn’t take the throne at all, but should allow son William to follow Elizabeth into the big chair. Chuck’s ex-wife, Diana, held this view. The notion that Charles should just sit in the corner gained new adherents in the national afterglow of William’s recent marriage to Kate Middleton. Of course, that marriage is still young, and Kate has yet to exercise such royal prerogatives as taking a lover, and strolling the streets of Paris with him.

Then there is William’s younger brother Harry, who suffers from a tragic birth defect in which he was born without sense. This causes him to do things like join the British armed forces and be deployed to Afghanistan, while strutting around back on the home-front in a swastika armband.

Previously there was an Issue with the British royal family and Nazis. Edward VIII, king of England during the 1930s, when Nazis were actually active, thought them goosesteppers pretty Kool. This might have presented a problem, when the Nazis commenced goosestepping across Europe, had not Edward in 1936 climbed down off the throne so he could climb atop an American divorcee. This was a no-no at the time. Not Nazis. But placing the royal pee-pee inside a woman the primates of the Church of England deemed “morally unacceptable.”


3 Responses to “Rue, Britannia”

  1. 1 Miep O'Brien November 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    I dunno, maybe Liz would abdicate if she thought any of this progeny would do a better job. I don’t generally keep track of Royalty in other countries – we have enough of that crap going on here. But they do sound like a bunch of whiners. I don’t get the attraction. Is this like being into sports, or the military? Or fashion? Or some combination of the above?

    • 2 bluenred November 25, 2012 at 8:28 pm

      Why would she ever abdicate? It’s the greatest job in the world. She can sit around all day and all night drinking and playing with her dogs, and nobody can tell her to do shit. She lives in a palace and has more money than god. It’s true sometimes she turns on the TV and sees some member of her family running utterly wild, but we all have that problem.

      Since sports, fashion, and the military for centuries all tended to flow out of monarchies, yeah, there is probably a connection.

      Some people think the problem with this particular incarnation of British royals is that they’re German. The country ran out of UK bluebloods in the 18th Century and so had to import royals from Hanover. The first crew couldn’t even speak English, but instead jackbooted around blatting the language of Achtung. So when Harry slaps on a swastika armband, it’s an outburst of atavism.

  2. 3 Miep O'Brien November 25, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    I spend a lot of time hanging around my palace drinking and playing with my pets, and have gotten pretty good at not abiding anyone telling me what to do. But still…there’s something missing. What could it be? Money? I’ve tried that. Just another addiction. Now who was that blues musician who said “Money is what you gotta have in case you don’t die”? Muddy Waters?

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