Time Warp

Joe Ratzinger, the ex-Nazi who today wears the big hat in the Catholic Church, has written a book in which he ruefully admits that no one really knows when the hell Jesus of Nazareth was truly born. Seems it’s pretty certain the guy was born earlier than commonly assumed, and as a result all the Christ-centered calendars are completely out of whack.

According to Rats, the Wrongness and Confusion began with one Dionysius Exiguus, a dude rudely dubbed “Dennis the Small.”

“The calculation of the beginning of our calendar—based on the birth of Jesus—was made by Dionysius Exiguus, who made a mistake in his calculations by several years,” the Pope writes in the book[.]

“The actual date of Jesus’s birth was several years before.”

Dennis the Small, who was born in Eastern Europe, is credited with being the “inventor” of the modern calendar and the concept of the Anno Domini era.

The monk’s calendar became widely accepted in Europe after it was adopted by the Venerable Bede, the historian-monk, to date the events that he recounted in his Ecclesiastical History of the English People, which he completed in AD 731.

The Bible does not specify a date for the birth of Christ. The monk instead appears to have based his calculations on vague references to Jesus’s age at the start of his ministry and the fact that he was baptised in the reign of the emperor Tiberius.

So nobody knows what year the guy popped up. And all the calendars are Wrong. And meanwhile the December 25 date for Jesus’ birth, is just shit made up, a transparent attempt, there back in the day, to accommodate pagans already accustomed to partying each year on the Winter Solstice.

“There is no reference to when he was born in the Bible—all we know is that he was born in the reign of Herod the Great, who died before 1AD,” [Professor John Barton of Oxford University] told The Daily Telegraph. “It’s been surmised for a very long time that Jesus was born before 1AD—no one knows for sure.”

The idea that Christ was born on Dec 25 also has no basis in historical fact. “We don’t even know which season he was born in. The whole idea of celebrating his birth during the darkest part of the year is probably linked to pagan traditions and the winter solstice.”

Also in his book, Rats snarls that those who claim Jesus was born in Nazareth, which he was, rather than in Bethlehem, as the song would have it, are heretics, who in the good old days would simply have been burnt.

Elsewhere in the tome, the vagina-fearing Ratzinger, worldwide head of Occupy Womb Street, foams at the mouth and rolls on the floor at the notion that Jesus was the product of a pee-pee pumping waves and particles into Mary’s holy of holies.

[He] insists that the doctrine of the virgin birth be taken at face value and that it is an “unequivocal” pillar of Christian belief.

In a section of the book entitled “Virgin Birth – Myth or Historical Truth?”, he reaffirms that Christ was not conceived through sexual intercourse but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The “virgin birth” horseshit was invented in the 2nd Century CE, a couple hundred years after Jesus lay a-molderin’ in the grave, and, like most of the other trappings draped over the guy, it derives from pagan sources.

In his Rat-writ the former Hitler-hewer crossly contends that the angels that attended Jesus’ birth did not sing, but rather spoke, and therefore Christians should bugger off with all the fuggin’ Christmas carols.

He writes that when the gospels refer to the “heavenly host” of angels “praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest”, they in fact spoke the words rather than sang them.

Rats knows that caroling bubbles up from pagan loins, and so he wants it stopped right now.

The Rat-man book is called Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives. With such a title, one might expect that it contains actual verbatim quotes, from the very lips of the young god-man. These can be expected to include:

—”Good milk today, mom. Whatever you’re eating, keep it up.”

—”Frankincense and myrrh, frankincense and myrrh—always frankincense and myrrh. Can’t somebody for once bring some Reese’s Pieces, for chrissake?”

—”I don’t have to listen to you, Joseph. You’re not my real father.”

—”Hey: has anybody invented diapers yet? Maybe a flush toilet?”

And, of course, the immortal:

—”Fuck! I incarnated in this place?”

The Ratzinger tome finally lies that there were no animals present at Jesus’ birth.

[C]ontrary to popular belief, Jesus’s birth was not presided over by oxen, asses, camels or indeed any other beasts.

“There is no mention of animals in the Gospels,” he wrote[.]

Bullshit. What does this guy know? He used to strut around wearing a swastika armband.

Despite what this dope says, it is in truth a well-known Fact that not only were animals all over the dern place, there in the manger, but, furthermore, and because they were so nice that night to the new god-man, he fixed it so that every year, on the night of the anniversary of his birth, all the animals all over the world get to talk in human language, if they feel like it.

Anyone who has ever truly been around animals has witnessed this. I myself have on several occasions provided transcripts.

Maybe if Rats spent more time around animals—not to mention vaginas—he’d have more of a Clue as to what really goes on around this joint.

Maybe he’d even know what time it is.


11 Responses to “Time Warp”

  1. 1 Comrade Red November 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Now if he’d just think about it and maybe talk with a Rabbi, Ol’ Ratty’ll have to admit that the guy was a married-commie-radical-Jewish-carpenter. Very ordinary. Guys like that are a dime a dozen. So, where’s that leave “dachurch”? Without “christ” it’s the church of imperial rome – politics, pederasty, and money in a nifty fascist dress-up in dresses (“robes”) club, one where the peasants actually support the “priest” and have to “confess” – imagine if a state tried to do that!. They celebrate the murder of a tax protester. Sound like fascists? Read some history…

  2. 3 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 24, 2012 at 1:29 am

    “Elsewhere in the tome, the vagina-fearing Ratzinger, worldwide head of Occupy Womb Street, foams at the mouth and rolls on the floor at the notion that Jesus was the product of a pee-pee pumping waves and particles into Mary’s holy of holies.”

    – I’d just like to congratulate you on writing that sentence, because it is truly wonderful.

    So, does that mean that “Dennis” is a name derivative of Dionysius? Because that’s actually kind of cool.

    Well, quite a few things spring from pagan loins. Especially in the catholic faith. He’d kind of have to scrap the whole thing if he wanted to start getting picky about pagan influence.

    ”Fuck! I incarnated in this place?” – Haven’t we all thought this at some point?

    So there were supposedly no animals….in a manger. If I remember bible school correctly, the Jesus-parents were given the manger as a last resort because there were no rooms available. Are we to believe that the innkeepers just booted out all of their animals or just happened to have a manger that contained no animals? Nonsense.

    So animals are gifted with speech on his birthday, whose date we do not and shall not ever know. So that said animal-speech is always a surprise? Not a bad arrangement.

    • 4 bluenred November 24, 2012 at 1:46 am

      I did not know that the True Fact of The Night The Animals Talked was so unknown to so many. I will endeavor to print a full report, some time between now and Christmas.

      When you get into the high-winding Jesuits, those who in the faith feel and know the most much, they will tell you that “Christ knew everything there was to know about being a man.”

      So of course he knew “fuck! I incarnated in this place!” The essential starting-place of here being.

      Thanks for the thanks on the sentence. You’ll be able to do that too, when you’re 56, by, when comes the need, frantically cobbling together a new and improved sentence, arrived at by unearthing the “greatest hits” from four or five old and moldering sentences, fortuitously exhumed, memory pre-dementia willing, inscribed over the previous 30 or 40 years. ; )

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