Archive for November 23rd, 2012

A Maine Thing

I am no longer certain that the people of Maine can claim to be Sane, or even Normal.

First came recent news that a truck rumbled out onto a Maine airport runway, causing a nonplussed plane to crash into it, settle, and burn.

Then, the Maine airways authorities pronounced that the truck had behaved in a way both Sane, and Normal.

Now we hear of the Maine man who pistol-whipped his estranged wife with his pee-pee.

No. I do not make this shit up.

The incident occurred in July, when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his place. He offered her $20 for sex, and when she refused, he took out his penis and struck her with it, according to the prosecution’s version of events, to which he pleaded guilty.

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending. He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.

“This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing[.]

“Not his normal conduct.” This is good to hear. That it is still considered Not Normal, there in Maine, for this man, or any other man, to whip out his pee-pee, and start flagellating with it some ex-pillow companion, simply because she wants to follow online some man from Pakistan.

Increasingly, there really are no additional words, to add to these stories, of the ways and means, of the Americans.


I’m Alive

Another treat; another of the finest films ever made: Peter Weir’s Fearless. Based partially on the journey of United Airlines Flight 232: Dennis Fitch, who helped return that crippled craft to earth: “For the 30 minutes I was up there, I was the most alive I’ve ever been. That is the only way I can describe it to you.”

Time Warp

Joe Ratzinger, the ex-Nazi who today wears the big hat in the Catholic Church, has written a book in which he ruefully admits that no one really knows when the hell Jesus of Nazareth was truly born. Seems it’s pretty certain the guy was born earlier than commonly assumed, and as a result all the Christ-centered calendars are completely out of whack.

According to Rats, the Wrongness and Confusion began with one Dionysius Exiguus, a dude rudely dubbed “Dennis the Small.”

“The calculation of the beginning of our calendar—based on the birth of Jesus—was made by Dionysius Exiguus, who made a mistake in his calculations by several years,” the Pope writes in the book[.]

“The actual date of Jesus’s birth was several years before.”

Dennis the Small, who was born in Eastern Europe, is credited with being the “inventor” of the modern calendar and the concept of the Anno Domini era.

The monk’s calendar became widely accepted in Europe after it was adopted by the Venerable Bede, the historian-monk, to date the events that he recounted in his Ecclesiastical History of the English People, which he completed in AD 731.

The Bible does not specify a date for the birth of Christ. The monk instead appears to have based his calculations on vague references to Jesus’s age at the start of his ministry and the fact that he was baptised in the reign of the emperor Tiberius.

So nobody knows what year the guy popped up. And all the calendars are Wrong. And meanwhile the December 25 date for Jesus’ birth, is just shit made up, a transparent attempt, there back in the day, to accommodate pagans already accustomed to partying each year on the Winter Solstice.

“There is no reference to when he was born in the Bible—all we know is that he was born in the reign of Herod the Great, who died before 1AD,” [Professor John Barton of Oxford University] told The Daily Telegraph. “It’s been surmised for a very long time that Jesus was born before 1AD—no one knows for sure.”

The idea that Christ was born on Dec 25 also has no basis in historical fact. “We don’t even know which season he was born in. The whole idea of celebrating his birth during the darkest part of the year is probably linked to pagan traditions and the winter solstice.”

Also in his book, Rats snarls that those who claim Jesus was born in Nazareth, which he was, rather than in Bethlehem, as the song would have it, are heretics, who in the good old days would simply have been burnt.

Elsewhere in the tome, the vagina-fearing Ratzinger, worldwide head of Occupy Womb Street, foams at the mouth and rolls on the floor at the notion that Jesus was the product of a pee-pee pumping waves and particles into Mary’s holy of holies.

[He] insists that the doctrine of the virgin birth be taken at face value and that it is an “unequivocal” pillar of Christian belief.

In a section of the book entitled “Virgin Birth – Myth or Historical Truth?”, he reaffirms that Christ was not conceived through sexual intercourse but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The “virgin birth” horseshit was invented in the 2nd Century CE, a couple hundred years after Jesus lay a-molderin’ in the grave, and, like most of the other trappings draped over the guy, it derives from pagan sources.

In his Rat-writ the former Hitler-hewer crossly contends that the angels that attended Jesus’ birth did not sing, but rather spoke, and therefore Christians should bugger off with all the fuggin’ Christmas carols.

He writes that when the gospels refer to the “heavenly host” of angels “praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest”, they in fact spoke the words rather than sang them.

Rats knows that caroling bubbles up from pagan loins, and so he wants it stopped right now.

The Rat-man book is called Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives. With such a title, one might expect that it contains actual verbatim quotes, from the very lips of the young god-man. These can be expected to include:

—”Good milk today, mom. Whatever you’re eating, keep it up.”

—”Frankincense and myrrh, frankincense and myrrh—always frankincense and myrrh. Can’t somebody for once bring some Reese’s Pieces, for chrissake?”

—”I don’t have to listen to you, Joseph. You’re not my real father.”

—”Hey: has anybody invented diapers yet? Maybe a flush toilet?”

And, of course, the immortal:

—”Fuck! I incarnated in this place?”

The Ratzinger tome finally lies that there were no animals present at Jesus’ birth.

[C]ontrary to popular belief, Jesus’s birth was not presided over by oxen, asses, camels or indeed any other beasts.

“There is no mention of animals in the Gospels,” he wrote[.]

Bullshit. What does this guy know? He used to strut around wearing a swastika armband.

Despite what this dope says, it is in truth a well-known Fact that not only were animals all over the dern place, there in the manger, but, furthermore, and because they were so nice that night to the new god-man, he fixed it so that every year, on the night of the anniversary of his birth, all the animals all over the world get to talk in human language, if they feel like it.

Anyone who has ever truly been around animals has witnessed this. I myself have on several occasions provided transcripts.

Maybe if Rats spent more time around animals—not to mention vaginas—he’d have more of a Clue as to what really goes on around this joint.

Maybe he’d even know what time it is.

When I Worked

November 2012
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