Gobblelypse Now

“The horror. The horror.”

—Colonel Kurtz

When I was four years old, and therefore far more in touch with what is really going on than I am now, I received a vision that potato chips had grown tired of being consumed in mass quantities, and were therefore plotting Rebellion.

I prepared an illustrated handbook documenting this revolt. I believe the creatures eventually sprouted hands, and employed such weapons as machine-guns and gas-powered balloons.

If memory serves, they ultimately prevailed over the United States Marine Corps—no great feat, anyone can do that, as succeeding decades have amply demonstrated—and retired in peace and serenity to some far island.

I should now note that, some decades on, I have recently received Word from a worker in a potato-chip factory who reports that the chips in his care are becoming unusually restive.

Writes he:

I’ve seen some weird-looking chips, and also “bad” chips, that I’ve tried to throw away, but who resist such efforts.

So: be prepared. If the things soon come boiling out of the bags, bristling with Bad Intentions, don’t say you weren’t warned.

Knowing that centuries of human abuse of the animal, mineral, and vegetable kingdoms will someday, and probably soon, result in even the potato chips taking up arms, I was not at all surprised to learn that, as the American humans enter onto Thanksgiving Day, turkeys in Brookline, Massachusetts have gone totally wild, besieging humans on the streets, in vehicles, even in their homes.

“They were attacking the vehicle,” Karen Halvorson said outside her home in the Aspinwall Hill neighborhood.

After getting in her truck, a neighbor came and ran the birds off but it didn’t stop there.

“Then, the turkeys came and started attacking my front door,” she said.

A second run-in came a few weeks ago as she walked nearby.

“I looked back and three of them charged me,” she explained.

She moved to the center of the street to avoid the animals, but it wasn’t enough.

“The turkey flew in my face and scratched my neck,” she said.

Halvorson’s husband has prepared many piles of stout sticks, scattered about the neighborhood, which can be used in combat against the rampaging hordes.

“At least we can throw a stick at them and run into the house,” said Halvorson.

The beasts do not respect even the children.

“Some people are going to work, and they’ve been chased by turkeys,” said Brookline Animal Control Officer Pierre Verrier.

He spends nearly every morning trying to keep the animals away from students at Brookline High School.

“Sometimes I even take a tennis racket to try and shoo them out,” he said.

Humans who attempt to photograph the wishbone terrorists can expect to be attacked maniacally.

Whatever you do, don’t feed them or try to take a picture.

“There was a gentleman who took a picture with a flash and they flew right into his face.”

The humans are now scheduling “meetings,” in which they hope to settle on solutions for grappling with the Menace.

A frustrated Karen Halvorson is now working with Brookline town leaders to organize a meeting about the problem. Neighbors need guidance and an opportunity to vent, she said.

“I can’t believe we’re living this way,” she said. Town Selectman Nancy Daly is helping coordinate the  gathering which she said will likely be held December 6. She wants anyone who has had a run-in with a turkey to attend and tell their story.

A similar meeting was held last week in Newton, where aggressive turkey reports are on the rise as well.

Too late. As anyone who has watched the Alfred Hitchcock documentary The Birds well knows, when once these fine feathered folks decide they’ve had enough: it’s over.

One of the dudes just defeated Captain Underpants. Just sayin’.


11 Responses to “Gobblelypse Now”

  1. 1 Miep O'Brien November 22, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    I ran into some fun Thanksgiving stuff today online, such as the YouTube Addam’s Family segment where Wednesday and her gang of brown-skinned children and other outcasts troll the school Thanksgiving play. Turkeys Gone Wild is right up there at the top, too. Much appreciated and shared.

  2. 2 Miep O'Brien November 22, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    “All you have to do is pretend you’re a bigger turkey and flap your arms.” Like with bears, ya know? http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12002999591014/wild-turkeys-accost-man-and-son-in-brookline/

    • 3 bluenred November 22, 2012 at 8:48 pm

      Might work for a while, but I have a feeling something is up with the animals. Read today that a deer in Texas busted into somebody’s car and ate their cigarettes.

      • 4 Miep O'Brien November 22, 2012 at 9:19 pm

        That’s what I hate about deer. If they’d just ask, I’d be happy to share my tobacco, if I had tobacco. / Hell, all I do anymore is let stray non-humans take over my life. They seem to be approximately as expensive as humans, and much less quarrelsome. Also infinitely more snuggly. And they stay out of my dreams. This is all good.

        • 5 bluenred November 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

          I have noticed on some morns that in the night occurred Disturbances among the butts in the ashtray out on the kitchen porch. I had assumed this was the work of raccoons. But now the deer are also Suspect.

  3. 6 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 24, 2012 at 2:53 am


    I’m sure these potatoes are being closely watched by your Inside Man and that you shall be alerted if any Wrongness were to crop up, through your Contact.

    Turkeys just get to run wild in Massachusetts? Clearly. I feel bad for these people. I remember what it was like, at age five, to be Menaced by a herd of chickens whenever I went outside. I hope that Peace is made soon.

    ….that image of the turkey with the nuke. Where on earth did you find such a thing?

    • 7 bluenred November 24, 2012 at 4:42 am

      I believe that it is probable that turkeys are running amok everywhere.

      it is just that, so far, only Massachusetts has been Brave enough to report it.

      Just as it was that, in 1972, Massachusetts was the only state Brave enough to vote for George McGovern.

      The image of the nuke-turkey came from the googles. There is nothing that one may not find there. Given sufficient patience, diligence, brain damage.

      ; )

  4. 10 Elva November 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Do you still have the potato chip story that you wrote when you were 4 years old?

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