Archive for November 13th, 2012

Song Of Solomon

Draw me, we will run after thee.

—Song of Solomon, 1:4

So far as is known, all was well in the marriage of Holly and Daniel Solomon, denizens of Mesa, Arizona. Indeed, these humans had engaged in reproductive rituals, which, as of last week, had rendered Holly six months pregnant.

Things went sour Saturday morning, though, when Daniel Solomon’s failure to cast a ballot in Tuesday’s presidential sweepstakes caused his wife to run amok. After a bout of full-throated screaming, Holly Solomon boarded the family SUV, and then proceeded to grimly chase her husband around a parking lot, finally running him down and pinning him to a curb.

According to a Gilbert police report, the argument started over her husband’s lack of voter participation in the recent election.

Holly Solomon, 28, apparently believed her family was going to face hardship as a result of President Barack Obama’s re-election.

Solomon’s husband, Daniel Solomon, told police his wife “just hated Obama” and was very angry he was re-elected and blamed the President for problems her family is going through.

Holly Solomon had succumbed to the national pastime: whatever it is, it is Obama’s fault. (As recently noted here, the fact that the hot water ran out before I finished my shower Tuesday: this, clearly, the fault of the black man in the White House.)
Witnesses reported a lot of yelling just before Holly got into a Jeep SUV and began chasing her husband through the parking lot near Gilbert and Elliot roads.
“He got out of the car and she was screaming at him. And he started walking away and she started driving in circles around him and she wouldn’t let him go so finally he took off to try to get away and she ran into him,” a caller told a 911 dispatcher.
Daniel reportedly took refuge behind a light pole while Holly drove around the pole several times while continuing to yell at him.
Police said Daniel tried to run away toward Gilbert Road as Holly pursued him in the vehicle.
She eventually struck her husband and he was pinned underneath, between the vehicle and a curb.

There are no indications that Holly Solomon was controlled by drugs or alcohol. Instead, she was motivated by Hate, Fear, and Weirdness.

As this fellow notes, voters in the state of Arizona Tuesday went for Captain Underpants, awarding the state’s 11 electoral votes to The Loser. Daniel Solomon’s ballot was not required, to accomplish this mission. Arizona was not, this cycle, a swing state (though soon it will be), and Daniel Solomon’s vote could have swung nothing.

Or so it would seem. But perhaps Holly Solomon is an adept, wizened in the ways of the butterfly effect. This is where we learn that all is so connected, that the flap of a butterfly’s wings in the Amazon, can be said to result in a hurricane, thousands of miles away. Perhaps Holly Solomon, she somehow Knows, that if only her husband had voted for Captain Underpants, then All Would Have Been Utterly Changed. In January of 2013, Underpants would have dispatched his people to cart everything out of the White House, onto the lawn, there to be burnt, in preparation for White People once again moving into the White House.

If only . . . Daniel Solomon. Had managed to cast his ballot.

But no. He didn’t. And so: four more years.


What Cthulhu Is This

What Cthulhu is this, who, laid to rest
In R’leyh deep, is sleeping?
Whom demons greet, their voices shriek,
While nimrods watch are keeping?

—well-known Christmas song

The black man will no doubt be relieved to hear that he has been demoted, no longer considered the Antichrist, but instead reviled as but a harbinger of the Antichrist.

Yes, while some 24% of the American people believed as recently as 2010 that Barack Obama was for sure the minusJesus, we have now all been informed by one Robert Jeffress, a mentally divergent babbler infesting churches down in Texas, that Obama is here merely to prepare the way for that Much Badder Dude.

In flogging his parishioners to get out to vote, Jeffress said:

I want you to hear me tonight: I am not saying that President Obama is the Antichrist. I am not saying that at all. One reason I know he’s not the Antichrist is the Antichrist is going to have much higher poll numbers when he comes. President Obama is not the Antichrist. But what I am saying is this: the course he is choosing to lead our nation is paving the way for the future reign of the Antichrist.

That’s why, ladies and gentlemen, I believe it is time for Christians to stand up and to push back against this evil that is overtaking our nation, to stand up and push back against these actions that are paving the way for the final world dictator. The best way to push back against unrighteousness is at the ballot box.

Well, that didn’t work out so good. The arresting the attendant of the Antichrist at the ballot box part.

Meanwhile, and just to make absolutely sure that wingnut heads explode, godless hellbenders over in Naples, Italy have taken to festooning their Christmas nativity scenes with Barack Obama figurines. Obama, he gets a crown, and is positioned next to the baby Jesus. While a Captain Underpants figurine is also available, he is depicted with tears streaming down his face. And his ass on backwards.

When I Worked

November 2012
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